Eating myself up

[XHD]

Been with DP for over a year now
He lives in another country and we see each other every other weekend
Anyway it was alway said that I would move the kids and I back to the U.k to his home etc (600miles from where I am from originally)
Then at the beginning of the year he said he wanted to move over here as the kids were settled in school here and this is what they know and he liked it here

His ex-dw got her settlement a few months ago and he was convinced she would move away towards her parents so he would only get to see his DS every other weekend instead of twice aweek as he does now
Seemed pretty straight forward and he has talked about it none stop about moving here

Anyway she hasnt moved away and is buying local to where she is NOW He has then done a u-turn and said he wont be moving over becuase he wants to be near his DS
which I understand but I am so pissed off now as I feel she has dicated to us where we live etc etc

So to be with him I have to uproot my kids country,school and away from there dad to a place that NONE of us now

I said I would move back but near my home town but that would still mean 400 miles away from his ds

He is refusing to move anywhere NOW all `cos his exdw had decided where she wants to live

She does`Nt know about us as she will kick off and could make things difficult with DP when dropping ds off at a different time when he wants to flys over here

I feel I am being selfish
then I feel I should give it up and walk away as it seems to be HIS/EX-dw way or the highway

Well, what do you expect? He has children and they live where they live. Do you think his ex should move somewhere else to be convenient to YOU?

He's doing the right thing for his children by not moving away from them. What you choose to do with your own children is likewise your own decision. He has made his choice and I would suggest that you need to do what is best for you and your children and if that means that you can't be with this person, then perhaps you just have to accept that this relationship is not going to work.

Spot on, Squitten, the children must come first. He is doing the honourable thing.

I agree with Squitten.

Also, try not to see this as his ex dictating anything - you say she doesn't even know about you, to feel it's 'it's her way or the highway' isn't really rational. He is putting his DC first and you must too.
Maybe it will have to be a longer term long-distance relationship? If you want more, maybe you will have to look elsewhere?

I think what makes this hard for the OP is that her DP had said he would move to be with her and then changed his mind - he may have good reason but the OP had built her hopes and plans around this and now has to re-adjust. Also she didn't ask him to move near her - he decided BY HIMSELF that he wanted to do that and now he has decided BY HIMSELF that he doesn't. Unfortunately any step-mums on here will tell you that that is what you have to look forward to if you get involved with someone with children from a previous relationship. You will rarely have your feelings taken into consideration and decisions affecting you will be taken without any discussion with you at all.
I'm not saying he is wrong for wanting to be with his DC but I can understand why this is hard for the OP. Her DP is saying that if she loves him and wants to be with him it has to be on his terms. No compromise and no surprises there...

glass you summoned it up and I know what you mean by being looked over as a person when it comes to step kids

I do get that his DS is his first proirty

I never asked him to move here HE suggested it
So for months that was the plan NOW it`s not and I need to decide what to do next

Thanks for all your posts

XHD, your children should be your first priority. I'm sure your DP will understand.

XHD, in your OP you say-

"Anyway it was alway said that I would move the kids and I back to the U.k to his home etc (600miles from where I am from originally)..."

So, he has made a U turn but only back to the original plan?

At some point you must have foreseen the original plan working, presumably?

Now you are saying to him that you will move to the UK as originally planned but elsewhere, 400 miles away from your DP?

You have both changed stances, you both have valid reasons for changing your minds. There's no place for blame but maybe both of you feel mislead?

Sorry I didnt mean 400 miles I meant 600 Yes I said I would move back to the U.k to his county (where I am from is 600miles) and I thought I could do it UNTIL he said about coming here which seemed to make so much sense he would see his DS every other weeknd etc etc <strong>BUT</strong> then his exdw informed him she was saying in the area and that was the end of him saying about moving here I KNOW she ahd every right to live where she wants BUT I dont see why he has done a u-turn
surely he must of thought what it meant when he said about moving here re his DS ???
He even talked about what his DS would like doing here if he was to come here at weekends or school holidays

now the u-turn
Just wished he had thought it through before he mentioned it to me at the beginning of the year
Feel I would be taking my kids away from everythingthey know