Parents - aibu? (can't face AIBU section!)

[ravenousbugblatterbeast]

I am just about ready to explode, or at least dribble with despair... Please help me see if I'm being unreasonable...!

Back-story, I have very hands-off parents, they live 200 miles away, I left home at 18 and never went back, and I don't feel we were particularly close ever. I see my parents once or twice a year, we drive to them once a year, they never visit us "for the sake of it", just pop in for a couple of hours max when they're driving past for a mini-break. Their choice, fine, and in the past they made it clear that for whatever reason they weren't particularly keen on DH ("I suppose congratulations are in order" was the immortal phrase when I went, alone, to break the news about us getting married (in our late 20s, owning a house, both with jobs etc...)) DS is first and only grandchild, but they're just not interested, send money for birthdays, no thought of presents. Again, fine, their choice, and maybe they're keeping at arms length so they don't get too hurt by seeing so little of him.

We went for a flying visit in August, as my grandmother is ill, we made the 3hr drive down, stayed from Saturday midday until Sunday morning, saw my parents for a couple of hours (after they said they had to go to a dog show to look at dogs during the day). The visit went well, so I said we'd try and get back there in half term, even if DS and I went by train alone. Mum even rang and checked when half term was when they were thinking of booking a holiday to make sure it didn't clash.

Fast forward to yesterday, I rang to check it would be ok to go down from Thurs through Sunday. "Just you two isn't it" said mum, No, DH has got a couple of extra days holiday due to Xmas office closure so he'll be coming too. Cue audible cats-bum face, snippy responses, and virtually booting me off the phone. Obviously DH now doesn't want to go down at all, I still feel a bit obliged to go down, as my grandmother still isn't well and won't get any better, the city is nice, DS'll love the museums and the Castle, so it would be cutting off nose to spite face time not to go at all, but it'll be walking on eggshells the entire time and umpiring between the passive aggressive camps of parents and DH.

I think I'm being objective in saying that my parents are only happy if everything's on their own terms - eg. when we last went down, we couldn't travel on Friday eve as planned because I had work, and was told "Is it worth bothering to come at all" by my dad. Or am I being oversensitive?

What's upset/annoyed me most is that I was so surprised and pleased that mum was making arrangements to fit with us going down, but now it seems we're not particularly welcome.

Gah!

YANBU! My situation is different but I'll bore you with it anyway . My mother-in-law lives abroad and we usually make the trip once a year so that my DS can see his Granny who he absolutely adores. She on the other hand always has an excuse reason ready as to why she can't come here (a flight of an hour and a half), her shoulder is hurting her so can't sit on a plane, she's not feeling well, she can't afford it (we offer to pay)etc. She flew twice last year for holidays with her friends BTW. Last year we visited (we don't stay with her, but in a guest apartment in the same village), and it becomes very clear very quickly that she has a threshold as far as spending time with us/DS is concerned - she promised twice to come down and see DS in the evening for card games etc. and didn't turn up, didn't let us know, didn't answer texts. DS in tears, so disappointed. Then she lost her temper with him when he whined a bit about not being able to do something he wanted to do and to be honest, I could've punched her! She doesn't deserve him as a grandson as far as I'm concerned but he loves her to bits so I have no choice but to grit my teeth and make an effort with her. DP and her get on "OK" but she does piss him after a while and he has stopped trying to make excuses for her. I guess I had to decide that I needed to lower my expectations of what I wanted from her, as a mother-in-law, and as a granny, and make a decision to accept her the way she is, for the sake of DS and DP. At least we don't have to see her too often, but when she won't make an effort with DS and he cries when he sees a waterfall on TV because it reminds him of where she lives and makes him miss her, I get very emotional and want to shaker her and say "look what a fantastic little grandson you've got!". Phew, that's better. Sorry to rant on, not much help I know .

Thanks, it must be so much worse when DS wants to see her - I feel so sorry for you and him.

Our situation's less emotionally fraught, to the extent that I have to refer to my parents by their first names to DS, as they won't be called Granny and Grandad, or any variation on that..

We're still going to visit but now DH is sulking big time.. I emailed my dad "chirpily", just checking arrangements, and he said they were a bit disappointed as they don't get to see much of DS and I when DH is with us. This isn't true - when we went down last time they decided at the last minute to go to a dog show so they could only see us in the evening (which was fine, we got to visit my grandmother and DH's friend who lives in the same city). Also my father has been retired for 4 years and has never come to see me and DS eg during school hols when DH wouldn't be around, if he's that bothered..

I was a bit taken aback at this, so said that they were being daft, of course they'd see us, and maybe they could come with DS and I to a museum or whatever while DH went to see his friend again. Obviously that isn't particularly assertive, but quite frankly it seems like a fairly normal thing to do, not to be constantly joined at the hip, even if my family are undeserving of the attention.

So now DH is in a sulk, saying he's been excluded (which he has, for a few hours) and that if his parents had said the same he'd have refused to agree to meet without me. Well his parents aren't dysfunctional, manipulative gits, lucky old him, I've told him I'm trying to get through this visit and then we won't go down again for a long time, or I'll go by myself to see my grandmother. (I'm not particularly close to her either, but we're just not a close family, for various reasons, and I feel I ought to go and see her). But I've had the silent treatment (interspersed with the odd argument)from DH for almost 24hrs now.

To be honest, I had planned to go down by train with DS during half term week so DH wouldn't have to go, and so he wouldn't "miss" us too much as he'd be at work 8:30-6pm (he's a bit clingy and controlling, but that's whole other thread), he took it on himself to discover 2 extra days holiday, and to suggest that he comes down with us, rather than take it in a different part of the half term hol when we'll be home.

I know I've been slightly unreasonable, but I'm caught right in the middle. Have I really "wronged" DH that much??

Yes, you have, I'm afraid.
Your parents are completely unreasonable and you ought really to tell them - calmly, but firmly - that you, DH and DS are a family and that is how they will have to accept you.
This time, you should leave DS at home with DH and make a flying visit to see your grandmother.

Your DH needs is being a bit unreasonable. He needs to try harder to understand the situation and work with you to try and make a difficult situation a bit more manageable for all of you.

You can't change your bonkers parents, but he can try and behave normally, can't he?

In the same situation, my DH would be delighted to be given a free pass for a few hours to go to the pub/ movies/ whatever.

Your parents are asking you to choose them over your husband. The only reasonable answer is to tell them you and your family (dh and ds) come as a unit, and if dh isn't welcome then none of you will be going.

If anyone invited me somewhere but said dh wasn't welcome I'd tell them where to sod.

And if dh was invited somewhere and I wasn't welcome I'd be terribly hurt if he didn;t stand up for me.

Like many children of such parents you are now caught in the FOG - fear, obligation, guilt.

You state yourself that your parents are dysfunctional manipulative gits so why do you keep seeking their approval all the time?. They are not interested in visiting you. Do not give them such power; all this passive aggressive stuff that both your parents and your H display is about power and control.

I would also suggest that if you go and see your Nan you make arrangements independent of your parents and stay in a nearby hotel.

Do not put up with your DH sulking; this is childish behaviour and emotionally draining on you. I would tell him actually to shape up or ship out; you do not need your son to be taught such damaging lessons on relationships. Seems he also has issues as well if you describe him as "clingy and controlling". If he is controlling then such men are also angry men as well; you have yet another issue to deal with here apart from your parents.

I would suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward and "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

I think you are a bit out of order actually - your parents for whatever reason dont actually care that much about you - dont make any effort and he gets sidelined.

I feel a bit sorry for him - why dont they like him, whats the problem exactly?

Has he given them reason to not like him?

I wonder if your parents have picked up that your dh is (in your words) a bit clingy and controlling.

They were looking forward to a visit of just you and ds. Now dh seems to almost deliberately have gone out of his way to come with.

I actually don't think your parents are being that unreasonable but I think you are stuck between 2 controlling forces, your parents and dh! Sounds like a nightmare for you!

He is being childish to respond by sulking rather than adult conversation, but I do understand why he is upset. Who is more important to you, your loving DH or your parents who frankly don't appear to give a shit?

Given your history, I would choose DH every time.

It would be all of us, or none of us.