Is there anything that can help low libido in women?

[MaybeTomorrow]

I have name-changed for this post as I'm regularly on MN - although more a reader than a writer...

DH and I have been married for 2 years, together for 6 and have a 15 month old DD who we both worship..

For the last year things have been bad. I had to go back to work when DD was only 4 months old, full-time as I'm the higher earner (poor DH works so hard but money down here is rubbish). I work 5 days over 4 (Mon-Thurs) so I have a long weekend with my baby girl. A few months ago I had a late diagnosis of PND, which, I'm sure, stems back to work and how much I hate my job. Unfortunately the money is good so I can't afford to leave and get something locally as we wouldn't be able to pay the mortgage.

My DH loves me so much and when we do have sex, he makes all the effort, always makes sure that he looks after me first. But for me, I really don't want to do it. And it's now crunch time.

With the PND my DH has bent over backwards to make things easier, even starting permanent early shifts (5am-2pm) so that he can pick our DD up every day and cook the dinner. He helps with the housework (and probably does it better than me ) and walks the dogs. I love and appreciate him so much, but I know I don't tell him enough and that's something that has to change.

But the main problem is the physical side. Over the last year I've worked out that it is definitely hormonal. Before that I'd always blamed 'the pill' for the lack of libido, but I haven't been on the pill since having my DD. I can now pinpoint every month when I'm going to feel 'up for it' (the week before ovulation) and I was also wanting a lot when I was PG.

We really want to start again, we don't even cuddle or hold hands anymore. Again, that has to change. But I'm already worrying that he will think that it's going to lead to sex. But why do I feel like that? When we do have sex, it's always Ok - so why do I worry?

We talked last night and as much as he loves me so much and I love him, we know we can't carry on like this. Something needs to change. He wants sex a lot more and wants me to be more adventurous (which worries me aswell - I've never been adventurous...) otherwise we will fall apart.

Can anyone offer any advice on how to move forward but also, is there anything hormonal that a GP can provide?

Thanks.

It sounds like you've been through a lot. It also sounds like your relationship is essentially strong and positive, and that's a good thing.

I don't think there are any hormonal or chemical fixes. I think therapy can often help with these things.

What are you doing about the PND?

Often, when one partner wants sex more than the other, it becomes a stressful issue. If you feel like he always wants sex more than you do, that can make you want sex less, not more. Some couples find that having set days of the week where one partner can initiate, and others where it is up to the other partner, can reduce this stress.

Have you not had sex at all in the last year? If so, maybe sensate focus would help?

did`nt want this go unanswered

1/ good for you and your DH for realising that you both need to sort this out
You both have COMMUNICATION which is sooooo easy to lose
You both want to make it work so thats a BIG positive (its not all doom and gloom)
2/STOP beating yourself up for the way you feel about SEX..your putting yourself under pressure and that will lead nowhere
3/maybe go and see a gp and explain how you feel........
4/Intimacy is not just sex its alot of other things
communication
compromise
respect
etc etc
You seem to have that with your dh and that is a good starting block

All the best

Thank you so much for your responses.

NotQuiteCockney, I think you're right about the therapy. I am currently having counselling for the PND and haven't mentioned this to her... Maybe I should.

We have had sex, twice last week in fact, and as 'averagely normal'(whatever that is...) as that may sound, the previous time was about two months before that. So it's happened a few times, but not many and usually on a specific week when I suddenly feel up for it!

It's a good point that you make about initiation. I've never initiated sex (with anyone, even before DH), I'm just not at all confident in the bedroom, never have been. Have no idea why!

Niftyblue, thank you for what you've said. When I look at it in the context of just sex, you're right, we have so much more to our relationship, but I think because of the lack of physical stuff, it's impacted all the other areas. But these are definitely pointers to focus on, so thank you.

Low libido is a normal side-effect of depression - so fixing the PND might well help.

MaybeTomorrow-I had DS 3 months ago and haven't had sex since. I understand what you're feeling about low libido except unlike you, before DH I always had a really high libido (some ex's commented I have a 'male approach' to sex). DH is wonderful and sounds a lot like your DH in the support and love stakes. I love him fully and appreciate him too (I make sure I regularly tell him)but, somehow although I want him sexually, I can never make that last 'step' to get to sex.

We spoke about our 'lack of' the other day as we're both aware that we're usually tired, have a screaming baby or a 9 year old who's about to come in etc and DH said it's fine as he knows it'll come back when we're both feeling more lively. I'm not saying I'm not still worried, but I think he's right.

Our sex life definitely went downhill when we got married and had a 7 year old about to walk in all the time....

So, don't panic it's the end as I'm sure it'll come back when everything else has improved. DH pointed out it's hard to be relaxed and 'physical' when your house is a tip and there's a baby around. Depressing as it seems, I think he's right!!

Off to tidy...

Some good advice here already - and it's great that your H is doing his share of housework, childcare etc and not sulking and moaning (as putting pressure on someone with a low libido invariably reduces their libido even more).
You might also find it helpful to read some erotic literature - Xcite Books do anthologies of short stories which are predominantly aimed at women and many of which are written by women; this is a good way of finding out new things you might like to try and indeed getting you in a sexy mood.
Watching porn can do this, too - check out Petra Joy films for DVDs which are aimed at women, non-exploitative etc.
Good luck.

A huge proportion of women with young children go through this, it's so common and I can personally relate to the only being up for sex around ovulation scenario, that was me for the whole of my 30's.
Intimacy and physical touch/closeness is much more important than sex, you'll probably find that the more physical you are with him, the more sexual you'll feel in any case.
It's what you said about him wanting you to be more adventurous that made me raise my eyebrows slightly - one sure way of removing your libido is feeling that you have to be a performing monkey where sex is concerned, you could try reading something like "superhot sex" by Tracey Cox for a little inspiration and to see if anything a little more adventurous takes your fancy but the worst thing in the world would be to make yourself try something that turns you off or doesn't excite you ( even just a little).
Do you know what he means by you being "more adventurous"? What is normal for one person is viewed as wildly kinky by someone else, he could just want you to take the lead now and again or try a couple of new positions, if he hasn't specified what he would like then you could be imagining all sorts of kinky things that aren't necessarily what he has in mind at all! Start low key and if he has requests for something different, make sure you get what you need as well.

My DH had to wait 20 years for me to get adventurous , but it had to happen gradually and naturally - if he's have pushed me or sulked etc. I would have gone completely the other way - it was only in my 40's that I gained real sexual confidence but I had real body / self image issues even though my DH fancied me when I was 2 stones heavier, once I'd lost weight my confidence bloomed.
A good sex life takes years to evolve if it's going to stay fresh and exciting long term.

Having watched a couple of Petra joy films, I have to say say I found them faintly ridiculous, but if watching a woman getting oral from an angel floats your boat, then you'll enjoy it.

Your relationship sounds wonderful, but take it from me, sex is the glue in relationships. I know because we are now divorcing because DH is just not interested and it all went downhill from there...no sex leads to no intimacy which is what really makes a marriage work. It sounds like you know this already.

Try the website literotica.com. Or read Nancy Friday....she compiled a load of womens' fantasies...always gets me going! If that doesn't work for you, try wearing some sexy undies all day...I know it sounds cliched but just wearing sexy underwear can get you feeling more in the mood, not to mention your DH will love it. And if you don't already do this, try and make more effort with your appearance during the day...a bit more slap and clothes that you feel great in. The better you feel, the more likely you are to feel like sex.

What does DH mean by adventurous? Has he told you? Do you think you could get a little outfit...lovehoney have them. You might not feel comfortable. But role playing can take you out of yourself, and you can also have a bit of a laugh with DH which is important too....can't take sex too seriously!

You're not happy in your job and you had PND so it's not surprising you're not getting home buzzing and ready to go. Don't beat yourself up too much. I know this sounds very Stepford wives, but sometimes if you just force yourself to have sex, you will be so glad you did. I loved when I did that and the next day I would feel extra close to DH. The more you do it...the more you want it. Send a few suggestive texts. When he sends one back, you might be surprised by your reaction. I've had texts that have had me tingling all over and dying to get home!

If all that fails....another cliche, but go away without kids for a weekend if you can afford it. A change of scenery can make a massive difference.

And if all that fails, go get tested at the GP. Some people are low in testosterone (women need it too to feel sexual) and you may be prescribed some.

Good luck...it's so lovely to hear of happy relationships. Work hard to keep it going. And why aren't you cuddling/holding hands if you love each other? Give him a little cuddle now and again....get that intimacy back. It's so worth it!!! I hate that my relationship has failed because of it. But my DH does not want to change :-(

You ladies have been so amazing - thank you so much for all your suggestions and input. It's amazing how 'alone' you can feel during these things and just assume that you're the only one who's ever been through it.

I already have some books, used to love them, so I'll start reading them again. I work from home and because I work 7am-5pm so that I can have a Friday off, I don't even get chance for a shower until after DD is in bed at night - before DD it was always the first thing I did in the morning. I have to get her up at 6am and to the CM for 6.45am to be able to start work. But I do it because I absolutely live for my Fridays with my baby girl.

Fizzfiend, I'm so sorry about your situation and I hope that you're getting through it Ok. Time for me to make some changes I think. DH has definitely done all he can so I have to take those steps. I may well show him these responses and see what he says. If only so that he realises that what I'm going through is not the most unusual thing in the world!

Thank you again ladies.

xxx

Just a thought, are you on antidepressants? I know from my own experience that they can have a terrible effect on libido.

had low libido after releasing sex wasnt as mind blowing as portayed in all those films.

Sex doesnt alter my relationship with my husband I never feel anymore closer or better with him.

I think some people are also lucky to have luxury quality time together to enjoy each others company, it never happens here.

I think in alot of relationships sex is just done as a chore - quick and lets get it over with - keeps hubby from straying. Think god constructed me to be good in the kitchen not good in the bed.

Far too many ladies magazines making out all us women are the same and have the same sex drive, organisms everywhere and no matter what happens in life we'll always want it and the older the better. Once we've had the kids its all back to normal like we have time to add this to the list at the end of the day.

you have had a lot of good advice. I would also suggest avoiding medical /hormonal intake. If you have a small child and work its very likely you're knackered. You need to get some rest - and then when you have had some rest, get some exercise. Natural highs from that will make you feel more positive and hopefully, more inclined towards enthusiastic intimacy. Its the only thing that's helped me, out of a similar situation.

Thanks again ladies. X