My mother

[BookcaseFullofBooks]

Okay, it's too complicated to explain but my mother leaves me feeling like this: on a regular basis.

Does anyone elses mother do/say things that make you feel like screaming and pulling your hair out, however well intentioned?

Oh yes and I am sure you are not alone. My mother often plays the guilt trip on me and she moans alot.

Rx

Mine too

Oh dear, looks like it's just us three!
I must say, after calming down since I started this thread, I feel very guilty for feeling so angry upwards her. Par for the course with our relationship.

That should be towards!

Not at all ,I don't think I'm overstating when I say I dislike my mother .
But I visit her every day ,and pretend that I don't .
But not good for my mental health ...

yup, I'm with you.

Me too.

Everything l do for her is out of "duty" not because l care.

Oh, no, there are loads of us. I've posted on here about my mum driving me mad (and I've got a thread in AIBU at the moment about her and my dad), and lots of people are in the same situation.

I do think close family can be the worst for knowing exactly how to push your buttons/refusing to compromise.

gingeroots - I know what you mean. When I think of the amount of time I've spent in therapy trying to unravel the dysfunction, my mind boggles.

Doha- I think it's a sense of duty that keeps me having a relationship with her. I tried to disown her once but felt so guilty about it.

LRP - I'll have a read of your thread. Button-pushing a speciality. My mother martyrs herself which I find particularly frustrating.

My mother pushes my buttons until I react, then says I am self indulgent.

Ouch saltyair! They just seem oblivious to what they are doing don't they.

I have got to a fairly zen like state where I just am only in contact occasionally, and when I am I keep it brief and skin deep.

She isn't oblivious, she just doesn't like me very much, at least, not when we communicate on a level which is any more than superficial. I am too ready to be open about issues. Whish, to be fair, sometimes I have done to piss her off!!

Bookcase, I can imagine that's frustrating! Judging by MN stories acting the martyr is a really successful way of manipulating people, sadly.

It is also very much tied into all the expectations we have about how we're supposed to love our mothers unconditionally, especially if they're martyrs. It's so common to hear people say their parents were wonderful and 'made so many sacrifices for us' - that's the model of parent-child relationships that some parents take advantage of.

You have to do what you can to protect yourself saltyair. I tried to disown my mum but felt so guilty about it that I'm now back in contact but it's by no means a healthy relationship - too much water has gone under the bridge. I've had to give up raising issues with her because she just doesn't or won't understand.

She can be very manipulative LRP. I think it can be a real burden to feel that you have to love your mother simply because she brought you in to the world. It's almost as if that's all they have to do to receive respect but it takes more than physiology to be a mother.

After some therapy l have learned to disengage from my mum.
She is a glass half empty person and revels in other peoples misfortunes.
I can now recognise her controlling behaviour and her reasons for it but hard as l try l can't forgive her for some of her actions during my childhood/teenage and now adult life.
But she is now very old- and very bitter-and despite her barbed comments and her obvious preference of my DS (who hardly gives her the time of day) l keep in touch and visit weekly.
I made a promise to myself that l would not treat my DC's in the same way.
I am what l am not thanks to my mother but despite of my mother..

My Dad drives me insane all the time! Too many things to reel off here. Agree about the sense of duty.

I had my son (first born) this year and made a decision not to waste anymore of my precious time allowing myself to obsess about my dad and get upset by him. I simply accept that is the way he is always going to be i just nod along whilst thinking of something else and think no more about him or the situation and see him as little as possible which is once a week at the moment.

I know lots of peolple who feel like this so you are far from alone!

My mother is relentlessly negative and anxious - for which she has my sympathy .

I actually think she'd benefit from treatment for that ( and meanwhile I'll try and accept that my tendency to share these traits is my problem and nothing to do with a life time of indoctrination in taking pleasure in nothing and always actively seeking the down side in everything ).

It's the patronising , the manipulation ( and sometimes I think the misery is a form of manipulation )the having to have everything her own way ,inability to compromise ,and the unfailing nasty opinion of everyone that I find hard to cope with .

But more than anything it's the close involvement on a daily basis that I now have with her ( she's very old ) and the neccesity to swallow all my dislike of her ,that's doing my head in .

My mother is relentlessly negative and anxious - for which she has my sympathy .
I actually think she'd benefit from treatment for that ( and meanwhile I'll try and accept that my tendency to share these traits is my problem and nothing to do with a life time of indoctrination in taking pleasure in nothing and always actively seeking the down side in everything ).
It's the patronising , the manipulation ( and sometimes I think the misery is a form of manipulation )the having to have everything her own way ,inability to compromise ,and the unfailing nasty opinion of everyone that I find hard to cope with .
But more than anything it's the close involvement on a daily basis that I now have with her ( she's very old ) and the neccesity to swallow all my dislike of her ,that's doing my head in .

Doha I can't forgive my mum either, for what happened in my childhood and I agree that I am who I am despite her parenting.

gingeroots I struggle to spend time with mine but if I don't I get a terrible feeling of guilt. On the other hand, I sometimes end up snapping at her when we spend too long together, which also leaves me feeling guilty.
This obligation to spend time with our parent(s) despite our feelings is interesting but intensely frustrating.
I think part of it for me is that I pity her. I can see her for who she is and I feel sad for her.

We live with my mother since my father died last year, she is 78. My DH and I are being worn into the ground by her laziness, attention seeking behaviour and general unpleasantness. She refuses to make any effort to do anything for herself. We have now made the decision to move out to protect our relationship and sanity. Just need to sell our house and we will be off, can't wait.