Can you really forget??

[Marie84]

I've been with my partner for 6 years we have 3 children together,after having our youngest things just started going down hill. After nearly 2 years of misery i decided to leave. We were apart for a few months when we decided to give it another go and its been amazing!! But after a few days he told me he'd been seeing someone when we were apart and he'd slept with her. I'm obviously glad he told me and i want to just forget about it and get on with our lives together. But i cant stop thinking about it and it makes me feel so sick. I know we werent together but i feel so cheated.
Has anyone else been in the same situation and have some advice???

Perhaps you would benefit from seeing a relationship counsellor?

I understand that it must be horrendously difficult to get your head round, but try to remember that he didn't chest on you, and also, he told you about it, which means that he obviously doesn't want any secrets between you.
I think it would have been a lot worse for you if he had kept it quiet and you had found out somewhere along the line.
You can get through this, and it might even make you stronger, but you might need the help of someone else to guide you.
HTH

cheat on you I mean!

I have not been in that situation but I think ManiDeadi is right and you need to talk to someone about it, if is making you feel 'sick'. You had separated, presumably you both thought that was the end of the relationship? It wasn't a trial separation where you both agreed that neither would date/have sex with anyone else?

tbh I can't see what he has done 'wrong' but if it is making you feel so bad, you have to confront it, I think.

We hadn't really spoke about seeing anyone else i just thought as he wanted us to get back together he wouldn't. I think its made worse by the fact that i know the girl.
I know it wasnt cheating its just hard not to think about him with someone else when i couldnt even think about being with someone else.
I think maybe speaking to someone would help,thank you :)

I think the danger here is judging someone else by your perspective. If you didn't sleep with someone else because the very thought would make you feel sick, you were too upset, etc, etc, that is fair enough, that is how YOU felt.

But maybe he felt equally sad, lost and wounded, but his remedy was to seek physical closeness from someone else?

A lot of people can treat sex as just a physical urge, whereas for others it is just as much an emotional act.

You weren't in a relationship at the time and maybe he just has different attitudes and ways of coping. Provided it was safe sex, I would try to forget it and move on, with help if you need it.

So you think i'm being silly and just need to forget about it??
Some days i think dont be silly he hasnt done anything wrong just forget about it and then other days it gets me really down and worry its her he wants not me and is with me because of the children!
My minds doing overtime!!!!

I don't think anyone said you were being silly Marie.
I agree with Spero - I think men in general tend to view sex as a more physical urge, but also agree that perhaps he did feel very hurt and sad and he may have done it for all manner of reasons. You say you left him - perhaps he saw it as a way of soothing his battered confidence, to take his mind off it etc. You know the old saying - if you want to get over someone, get under someone else!
None of this means that he wasn't thinking about you and missing you every minute of every day while you were apart.
Why not give Relate a call - they should be able to help you.
I don't think you should just leave it, or it will eat you up for a long time - you need to sit down and calmly tell your partner how you feel.

i'm in exactly the same position and it is so hard. On one hand i'm thinking we weren't together and didn't know if we would get back together but on the other i'm thinking how quick did he move on and sleep with someone else? I haven't got any good advice I'm afraid but just wanted you to know you're not the only one feeling like it. I have good days where I don't think of it at all and then bad days where I'm convinced he's going to leave me for her (even tho I know she now has a boyfriend). I think the fact that my confidence has been completely shattered by this is what is causing my mind to work overtime and this takes time to recover. If you need to chat just let me know.

Of course you are not being 'silly'!!!

To think that is to be contemptous of what you are feeling and dismiss it as unimportant - which I really hope you didn't get the impression I was doing.

It's not 'silly' to feel hurt, I am sure I would in the circumstances. But it would be very sad to let your feelings about this overwhelm the possibility that you could make the relationship work from here on.

You are not 'silly' but I think you have to work on trying to contain your feelings and recognise that he may not feel the same way about this brief sexual encounter that you do.

I don't think it is helpful to call feelings 'right' or 'wrong' - you are feeling them and this should be acknowledged. But feelings can get in the way of you getting the outcome in life you would like.

But of course you are not 'silly'. What a horrible, dismissive word. If you are 'silly' then I, and thousands of other women are just plain stupid as we have all been there, feeling emotions of pain and hurt that might have been managed better if we had been able to think more clearly or got help when we needed it.

This is purely my own experience, but I think it's very difficult to "go back" on a relationship, where the problems were so great that you split. Some people do manage it, but it's tough.

Are the long-term problems still there, and just momentarily hidden?