am i being irrational about residency ?

[armbow]

first off, I know that a father of his children has the right to 50/50 parenting and I have in no way ever stopped my h coming to spend time with the dcs as i know how much they love him.

i talk about him positively in front of my 2 young children because i know how much they love him (despite of it sticking in my throat as he walked out on his family)

the thing is he had an affair and is still with this woman 3 months on - he introduced her for the first time today and the children came home with presents from her and i am in pieces.

i have no idea how to cope with this part of the break up. When my h left (just over 3 months ago) i loved him dearly and it was very very hard for me at first. over time i have learnt to live without him and my life is getting better, thank god. the children and i are settling into our new house and things are going ok.

then boom today i feel as though she has moved in on my family and i feel anxious and panicky that maybe h will start to fight for more access or even worse residency, she has a ready made family on a plate and i will lose my babies.

rationally i know that this is very far fetched but i have this stomach gripping fear - please help me with advice on how the hell to cope with this fear i don't know what to do.

(h sees them about twice a week at the moment but has not yet had them over night as is staying with a mate)

i have been a sahm for most of my children's lives (they are 2 and 4) and I have recently started to work from home so i can make ends meet now that i am on my own.

This guy really is a piece of work AB ,if he had been a gentleman and made a clean break etc etc then fair enough 3 mths is a gap you could deal with but ffs ,all the emotional bullshit you have had to deal with and all his bloody moods swings ,i would just say this is completely innappropriate allround.Hope the move went well.See your sol if ur worried but he will have to go to court for residency and tbh i dont think the partner will be interested in 50 /50 proper hardcore childcare,tears, poo and snot .The presents are just to bribe little children and ease their own guilt.

hi patience, this has knocked me for six big time.

he has never told me he wants the children to live with him - he has always said he feels that a child's place is with his mother but the presents have really unnerved me.

and when you hear your dcs talking and telling you about ow it is like a knife through the heart.

Still sounds to me like buying their affections ,dont want to be the bad guys in this but so uncaring re ur feelings ,I know we are all meant to just get on with it and be stable and amicable but ffs we are left to pick up the emotional pieces that these selfish blokes leave behind and keep the kids happy and well balanced whilst these tossers are oblivious to the carnage caused and then swan in with some remote control car or big box of fucking lego like they are fucking Santa Claus .Big hugs to you mate ,this too will pass ,they are your beautiful babies and ur maternal instincts are kicking in.Stay cool ,just a nasty shock but it will mellow out x

Armbow, I remember these feelings so well. My DD was 2.5 at the time and the thought of another woman being with her really hurt. It does pass with time. My DD is almost 18 now and we are extremely close, despite the fact she went to live with her dad and stepmum when she was 14 - that hurt. (I soon realised I was no competition for the good looking boy next door!)

The way I coped with it was I would rather she was welcomed in her father's new home than resented, not welcome or disliked.

You will always be their mum - no-one can ever take that away from you. It is highly unlikely he will want the children to live with him, he wouldn't be free then would he?

I feel your pain 100%. I am struggling now with exactly the same emotions - he left six weeks ago, they have seen her once and it didn't go well. At that point we agreed to put it on hold (they know her and prior to this were extremely fond of her which complicates matters considerably).

I have a book about children post divorce - it is very clear that the longer you delay introducing the partner, the better, as children need to get used to one thing at a time. I think even though they have now met her, it wouldn't be a bad idea to ask that the next meeting is postponed for a few months to give them time to adjust. They need to get used to the idea of him not being around before they get used to the idea of him having another partner.

At this age, they don't understand that adult love is different to the love parents have for their children. One comes and goes, the other never changes. My daughter is 5, and is struggling to understand how if Daddy now loves someone else other than me, he can still love her. It's very hard at this age to explain that they are different, and that's why introducing another partner at this point isn't the best idea. However, I've been put under considerable pressure, and caved in, which I now very much regret.

Like you I am sick at the thought of her ever tucking them up in bed at night, and I really really struggle with the idea of her being anywhere near them. I despise her, and hate what she has done but I know there isn't much I can do about that in the long run. And that for me is one of the hardest things.

I don't have much to offer in the way of help, except to say that I have seen a counsellor a few times, and this is one of the things we have talked about at length. Her view is that there is a reason that the stepmother is traditionally seen as the villain in fairy tales. Not because they are inherently evil, but because children can and do make the distinction between their mother and someone who isn't their mother. So however good the relationship that they have with this woman is now or in the future, she will never replace you.

In the long run, it will be better for the children if they have a good relationship with their father. And that does mean spending time with him and her. So I am trying very very hard to be reasonable and grown up even though it is killing me, and make myself realise that eventually it probably is for the best that they spend time there.

I would also add that a good friend of mine has stepchildren. The ex wife of her partner is completely crazy, and a dreadful mother - that's pretty much a fact. My friend has a good relationship with her step daughter and step son BUT she says there is no question that they love their mother in a completely different way. And that's even with all their mother's faults, whilst my friend is an eminently reasonable and nice person. So try to take some comfort from that

That's a very sweeping statement Dittany. It's not always the case at all, but sometimes it is. My DD's stepmother has respect for me and for my DD.

I felt the very same thing, not helped by watching former friend for years prising her second husbands children from his first marriage away from their mother, and delighting in winning them as she had won him, from the woman, she hated her...

I fought it, not sure if it was the right thing, she was a weirdo also with the kids when she met them!

He chose her over the children, with what happened in the end, I think it was probably for the best, it still hurt them, ah well she has a swollen head she got a man to leave his wife and choose her over his children for her, making up for the father she had that did the same to her.... she married her father in effect right the way through....sometimes as they say be carefull what you wish for.... they are still together from what I know, I wonder if they both think it was worth it all in the end!

Some women swallow it, I take my hat off to them as it would be a bitter life I could not live! I never had an issue with ex seeing the kids it was her, and he took us to court for a year and a half over her in family court, it ended due to his lies with an order for no contact!

i seem to remember reading on here tbh that 50/50 splits are being encouraged now by the courts. ??

you are of course right dittany - i did and still do the bulk of the childcare so i would expect that to remain the case going forward.

stillcrying and karmann - thank you for your responses, the whole situation makes me fee so insecure i love my children with all my heart.

i suppose what i am trying to gain from this thread is an understanding of what could happen - forewarned being forearmed and all that.

i have spoke to a solicitor who has said that it would be very unlikely for h to challenge residency - perhaps i am worrying over nothing.

Dittany:
Funny how that's always the case isn't it.

Dittany:
I didn't say it's always the case though.

Really?

yes when we were in court, cafcass were for loads of contact as was I, ex did not want it, he just wanted it as and when it suited his social life and to force an odd bod on the kids... If you split due to not getting on and agree you need to be apart and have respect for one another, I think half half childcare is a wonderfull idea, sadly when someone cheats and stays with ow, they scapegoat exwife and are often holding on to the bitterness longer than she the victim does... and it makes it very hard to trust bitter selfish liars which is what cheats are... so i would not think that unless she is off the scene and he and you have had a period of not speakingm then both want to get along for the kids and for both of you to let go of bitterness and him to stop blaming you etc.... to let things settle there is a chance of getting along and doing half half parenting! then if he or you get a new partner things can be wobbled again as you deal with the new partners issues and demands... oh what a difficult situation....

Armbow, you're bound to feel insecure at the momen,t but worrying about something that is so unlikely to happen won't help. Trust me, it won't happen.

You love your children with all your heart, as they do you, and your ex has already told you their place is with their mother. It's not going to happen.

dittany,

i don't think he would but then again i once thought he would never have an affair.

he has always said that children should be with their mother, and so far he has stuck to that way of thinking.

crossed posts karmann. thank you, i love them so very much.

i really hope i am worrying over nothing, i have had no reason to suspect otherwise. tonight has made me wobble.

mummiehunnie - h does rearrange visits quite alot in order to fit in with his social plans.

the way to keep residency is to not work, and build loads of links for the children in your life ie nursery and social activities... keep your life stable! If you just give contact with him alone for a bit and for it to not be overnight that will help you. If he has loads of contact it will be good for him, but if you keep contact away he will want the kids more... Also if he is like my ex he will want to have kids only when it suits him, so he will want nights out and hangover sleep in's so will probably go for it, they also hate you getting boyfriends so will love you not being free to go out... if he and she have loads of contact then they will be very attractive to court as a couple to have more time with the children....it is scary and as your children are so young you are very vounerable I am sorry to say as they have no say in it,mine were much older and had a say, even then they were not always listened to.. although in the end the older one was!

armbow, i tried with all my might to get regular contact, he was such a selfish pig he would not agree to it, drop off early pick up late, cancel at last minute not see them for months etc... it was all about him.... he also had the cheek to get babysitters he barley saw the kids.... and then would be drunk and sleep away from them and leave them with strangers... made me feel sick! it was all about ow and him

Armbow, your last sentence confirms what I said. He rearranges visits to fit in with his social plans. There is no way on this earth he will take them away from you. It's natural to feel the way you do but it's not going to happen.

thank you dittany - i will take a look at that.

they were not listened to but were heard by cafcass... my oldest was a couple of months away from being ten, she was brought to contact by me, and would not go with him as he would argue with them and not treat them well when he had them, no food, no attention etc, so she would refuse to go, younger dd would go... the orders were just for her then for a while, until he kept not showing up and lied, he said it was me, I had photographic evidence to show we were ther ane he was not, he was so ashamed he would not go to court and withdrew his application, so no order for contact and he totally rejected the kids...

sometimes when the ow goes insane about how much maintenance he has to pay and works out how much better off they would be if they had the kids half the time, they go for it... and dump kids on various family members during their half of the time, watch out for that one, I know of someone that happened to!