can a relationship work if there is no spark?

[CherryMonstersUnderTheBed]

opinions please

new relationship or old?

IME no. Although I think maybe it depends on your age and life stage, but when I was in my mid twenties I had a brief relationship with my best male friend and it didn't work out.

On paper it was great - he's attractive, clever, funny, cares about me, the perfect guy really but there was just no chemistry. After a couple of months I began to miss that butterflies in my stomach feeling that you get when you're first falling for someone and realised with sadness that I'd never have that with him.

Personally, it won't work for me if I don't want to screw their brains out. That's obviously not the only criteria for a good relationship, but it is important to fancy your partner I think.

NB: I should add that I'm only talking about in the beginning when you're first getting together. If you've been together years and the spark is waning, then I'm sure other wiser posters than myself will have some good advice as to how to rekindle.

Yes, I suppose. But my God it would be dull.

You can't start a fire without a spark...

But presuming you are asking if it is possible for a relationship to work if there was never a spark in the first place:

Based on a small amount of personal experience, yes I think it can work. However, it takes a very committed kind of a couple, who are also possibly very religious to sustain the relationship through difficult times.

Saying that though, it is far, FAR better to start off with a spark, as that will carry you through difficult times too, and it is MUCH more fun. :)

No - its just friendship without the spark isn't it?

No.

As dogfish said, "It may differ for people in arranged marriages with a strong sense of social duty" - yes, these are the examples where I have seen the 'lack of spark' working. My mother (very devout catholic) never hid that she didn't marry for love, and remained married for 19 years through better and worse until my dad died. Their marriage was, however, an immovable fact rather than a developing relationship. Her own parents met via a matchmaker and stuck together through thick and thin. A Bangladeshi work colleague of mine also married via a matchmaker and loves her husband.

There are plenty examples of this working, which is why I naively thought it might work for me with my first H, as he ticked quite a few boxes. It didn't work though, maybe it could have if he were a kinder, less selfish person. My dh now is an entirely different matter - definitely mega sparks/chemistry - far, far better relationship in so very many ways.

dp split with me today because he said he didnt feel a spark. had been together 3 months, i def felt a spark and thought things were perfect. am gutted!

Why would you want a relationship if there is no spark. You mean settling don't you?

like i said, i felt a spark. i just wondered if it can work

Cherry - I am sorry to hear that...it is not nice to know that you don't 'spark up' someone - especially if you still fancy them. I have been there too in the past.

But there will be someone who will get a spark from you and vice and versa, and you are better off with him than your recent man. So, in time it will be better all round.

Cherry, I'm so sorry.

Oh how rubbish Cherry :(

Really feel sad for you. Just because you feel it doesn't mean the other person does, sadly. Or it might be that he is talking bollocks and has run away because he's found someone else, or an ex has become single, or he just doesn't want a girlfriend. Either way, you need to accept it, and realise that going out with someone who is crazy about you is a LOT more fun.

You don't need him x

Or he might be gay of course! :o

Yes if you mean there is no spark at the start. DH was my best friend and I wasn't attracted to him at all. One night we ended up in bed and it turned out he was fantastic in the sack [grin[. However I was still unsure about giving things a go as I didn't have that butterflies feeling. But he was so perfect for me I thought why not? As I fell in love with him the spark suddenly appeared!

If there is never a spark then it is just friendship.

thanks nikki, thats what i wanted. i was beginning to fall for him, but he reckons there has been no spark for about 6 weeks from his side. presumably it was there to begin with, but idk. i am really devastated as i thought things were going perfectly. i can only think that the spark went shortly after my nan died, 9 weeks ago. i thought that it would be understandable my being low after that, but not sure if thats what it was

Cherry. Me again! One very important thing which people kept telling me but I never believed : There are plenty more fish in the sea....

This IS true. It really is. I didn't believe when I was so hurt by rejection. But now I do. If I had believed it, I would have been more philosophical and able to move on faster. Don't blame yourself for not being loveable enough, or for the fact that you were upset about your gran...

WHoever will love you, will love you no matter what.
Have a look round dating sites...just to have a 'look see'. Something like Classic Fm or the Times newspaper or Telegraph..Not 'in your face stuff'. There will be people who will catch your attention, not enough to contact, but enough to think - Oh, they're out there too!

It's is upsetting when you get ditched, but there are more exciting things waiting to happen.

hi london. thanks for the reassuring words. i thought this might be the one, he is only the 2nd bloke i have ever been with who didnt turn out violent and abusive. it was lovely, and the problem is, in the area i live in there are not that many nice men, especially ones willing to take on an almost 30 year old mum of four, 2 with special needs. tried internet dating, on the free sites, but got idiots only interested in one thing,and cant afford to do the subscription ones

Cherry - Sounds as if you have only STARTED fishing in the right pool! Don't give up yet. And don't dare think that nice blokes are the exception...there are lots of them more. I know it's hard to believe!
I have four children too...so I know it's a lot to bring with you to a relationship, but there will be guys who won't mind, and will love you for all the bits of who you are.

this is the thing- he didnt mind my having four kids, they love him to bits, and he has two of his own who he has shared custody of. i just know if i have the energy for it anymore

Even a small spark is not enough. You need a blazing furnace!

see i thought that a spark could develop- you know, like it sometimes does with babies, one day you just wake up and realise they are everything to you