help should i leave him?

[Candy25]

I have been with my boyfriend for just over 2 years. I have 2 small children who love him and they have become close.
he will play for hours with them. when it's just us things couldn't be better, he has a son too who comes we see quite often.

The problem is he can turn nasty quickly, he doesn't like spending time with my friends. or family.

He says it because he is in the army and doesn't know how to act round "civilian" he also says he's dad was never around when his mum's mates were.

He has just started to try with my friends even though they are so different to him.

we have had quite a few argument about this over our 2 years. he's been nasty to my friends.he's never been physic always nasty by texts or verbal. sometimes he has been drinking but not always.

It all came to a head this weekend, ( he had been to the pub) we had a big argument and he said quite a few nasty thing in front of my children 10 and 4 years old. then the nasty texts started.

I ended the relationship

but the next day he's texted me to say how sorry he is and he is going to get help and how he knows what he said is unforgivable. he says he now knows he has a big problem and he is going to get help for it. he says he's head sick, and is going for help.

should I believe him?

I'm confused we have been hear before and I want to believe things will change but can they?

Leave

Run Away!!!!!!!!!! Sounds like he may have dangerous controlling tendencies.

Anyone who can't be nice to your friends or family, should sound loud warning bells. You say everything's good when it's just the two of you - well, do you WANT that kind of life? Do you want to be with someone who can turn nasty very quickly? You'd be walking on eggshells the rest of your life.

If you want him that much, tell him that you want him to get help, to show you he's getting help, but not to contact you until he's been under some sort of counselling/therapy for several months. Then try 'dating' again.

Read this page

See how many of the boxes he ticks.

If he is serious about being sorry, and serious about getting help, I would be expecting him to have made an appointment with, for example, his GP, by the end of today. At the GP he will be able to ask for help to handle his behaviours. Otherwise his apologies are pretty useless.

I'm afraid Tanee is right, this is not an easy fix and if it is fixable it will take months of therapy for him. As T says, you need to leave him for those six months - only then will he understand that he needs to get help.

If you go back again...you've been here before right?.... you know what will happen.

Thank you.

The article has ticked a few boxes.
He does need help I'm sure of that. He has promised to get it.

He can be so nice and is really good with the kids i do love him just not the nasty side of him.

when he has got help eg after a few months then reconsider.

thing is = nasty people dont tend to be nasty all the time - thats why we get involved. they also show a nice side.

"he is going to get help " - well when he shows this in action then you can talk.

being nice does not make up for the nasty.

'He can be so nice and is really good with the kids'

Candy, have you read what you wrote? because later you wrote this -

'he said quite a few nasty thing in front of my children 10 and 4 years old.'

Sorry, but he's not really good with the kids if he says nasty things to their mother in front of them.

If you want any change in his behaviour you need to tell him that this time a "promise to get help" is not enough.

If he is serious about his relationship with you, his respect for you, his love for your children (innocents in all this feckery) he will get help today, not tomorrow, not next week.

But he won't, he can walk all over you, once again. And he knows it.

Nothing will change until YOU do.

When I read your thread title, I thought "yes you should". On reading the post, I stand by that.

Candy, I know how hard it is to get your head around the idea that Mr. Nasty is the real him. After all, that's not the man you fell in love with is it?

Thing is, nasty people would never get a partner to take it all out on, if they were nasty from the get-go. It's bait. Before you start thinking "but he's a really sweet person, it's just that he's been hurt" ... that may well be true. But it doesn't change the facts. If he were to get therapy & really engage with it, you wouldn't see a real character change after a few months: it would be several years. The bleak truth is, it'll be easier for him to keep on 'training' you or to find a fresh victim.

Have a good read of the "lovely things" thread on here. Then have a long think.