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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have a crush - need to offload

26 replies

mummybookworm · 11/10/2010 23:08

I have a crush on a man at work. He walked in to my office last week to talk to me (work related) and I blushed (for which I am still giggling and cringing!). I have worked at our place of employment for the last 7 years and have always found him attractive. We have generally always acknowledged one another upon crossing each others paths (we do this probably less than once a month due to the various departments in our place of emp). I honestly detected a twinkle in his eye last week. I have no idea if he is married/divorced. He is on Facebook. I haven't even clicked on his name as if he can find out I can do this and then turns out to be married, I am going to be mortified. Help! Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

womblesgirl · 11/10/2010 23:20

Next time you speak to him see if he wears a wedding ring. If he does then leave it be if not then start asking him how he is and build up the conversation every time you see him. You could even chat about something like X Factor as will be on for the next couple of months. You can build some rapport that way about non work related issues and then start to ask about his home life and what he is into etc.

I am also not sure if people can tell if you have looked at thier profiles on Facebook so I would just look. If you are feeling very brave just send a friend request. I have loads of people from work as my friends, both male and female and my husband does not think anything of it because they are colleagues, so if he is married his wife would not think anything of you making friends with him.

That's what I would do. I hope it helps

seeyoukay · 11/10/2010 23:25

Just ask him what he did at the weekend. If he responds with "took the kids, wife and 2 Labradors down the park" you'll know he's taken.

tallwivglasses · 11/10/2010 23:36

What seeyoukay said. But watch out for contradictory body-language!

I'd say wait a bit before doing the friend request.

Hope he's available!

Original poster

mummybookworm · 11/10/2010 23:54

Thanks. He didn't have a wedding ring on the other day (although that could be for hygiene reasons as we work in healthcare). I will see what happens next time we bump into one another.

OP posts:

hellymelly · 12/10/2010 00:00

I don't think you can tell if people check out your facebook page-get a friend to check yours and then you will know.Crushes are great aren't they? I am happily married,but I do remember crushes!Good luck.

DollyTwat · 12/10/2010 00:11

I have a massive crush on my Thai masseur and I was going to ask him out. But I did a little mild stalking on fb and he is married. So I've saved myself the embarrassment of being turned down.

Still have a crush though.

PumpkinBrain · 12/10/2010 00:14

if some searches you and tries to access your profile they suggested as a friend.

flibertygibet · 12/10/2010 09:32

oh my god Pumpkin is that true? I have facebooked stalked so many people....hope I am not rumbled....

FrogInAJacuzzi · 12/10/2010 09:42

flibert The official reply to these type of questions is that applications cannot track profile views for users who simply visit another person's profile. Facebook has made this technically impossible.

I think we're safe - I do this as well.

PumpkinBrain · 12/10/2010 09:42

well its the only way that some of the people who have been suggested for me to be add as friends could have appeared on that list. They are not friends of friends.

madonnawhore · 12/10/2010 10:29

Frog is that true? I hope so! I fb stalked my latest crush the other day and he is only a friend of a friend of my friend. Oh fuck. Embarrassing if he can tell.

madonnawhore · 12/10/2010 10:32

PS Sorry OP, didn't mean to hijack. Having crushes is great, especially at work because it makes the day so much more interesting!

That's why fb is so good, because it's easier to tell whether someone's married so you don't start barking up the wrong tree (that's why I was doing my own, ahem, 'research' this weekend).

PumpkinBrain · 12/10/2010 10:35

Madonnawhore friends of friends are randomly suggested anyway so even if you had you'd be safe.

FrogInAJacuzzi · 12/10/2010 10:39

madonna Being a paranoid security freak, I checked this out some time ago. The definitive answer is on Facebook Help itself in answer to the question "Can I see who has been viewing my profile?"

"No, Facebook does not provide a functionality that enables you to track who is viewing your profile, or parts of your profile, such as your photos. Third party applications also cannot provide this functionality. Applications that claim to give you this ability will be removed from Facebook for violating policy. You can report applications that provide untrustworthy experiences by following the instructions outlined here."

From what I've seen, applications that claim to provide this functionality are scams. They also get closed down pretty quickly by fb.

madonnawhore · 12/10/2010 10:48

Phew! Thanks ladies.

talleyrand · 12/10/2010 16:06

despite what FB say, I have a suspicion that if you facebook-stalk someone (ie make repeated visits) then it will make it more likely for you to come up as a friend suggestions.

friend suggestions are based on a number of things - shared friends, shared f-of-fr, shared workplace, schools, events, groups and so on, Many things.

I can't prove it, but I suspect that profile views are in that mix. So while one profile certainly won't make you come up, twenty-five might.

As a cover, you could list anything you do have in common on your profile (eg work) so that if a friend-suggestion is made, you can point at that as being the reason.

BUT - why is it embarrassing to fancy someone who is married?

madonnawhore · 12/10/2010 16:12

Not embarrassing to fancy someone who's married, but embarrassing to be busted fb stalking someone who's married!

talleyrand · 12/10/2010 16:27

i don't see it.
yes, it's embarrassing to be busted stalking anyone, married or not. by which I mean repeatedly visting and following their life.

but simply looking up a profile is just normal. I routinely look up the FB profile of new people I meet (work or otherwise) and google them as well just out of curiosity, and to find out who they are and so on - doesn't everyone?

madonnawhore · 12/10/2010 16:37

Yep you are right. I certainly haven't been rifling through his bins or anything like that. Just wanted to see whether he was already taken or fair game. And, you know, that he wasn't a murderer or a member of the BNP or anything.

MaudOHara · 12/10/2010 21:35

You could always set yourself up a fictional facebook account for stalking purposes which is what a friend and I did to snoop on her husband

talleyrand · 13/10/2010 11:14

did you manage to become facebook-friends with your victim? how much effort did you have to spend creating an identity?

did you impersonate a real person, or was it a fictitious one. Did your made up identity have many friends?

Original poster

mummybookworm · 14/10/2010 21:49

Wowsers, thanks for all the responses. Didn't think to create a new profile. I think I will do that and just have a nose! Thanks all. Only seen him once this week and that was from afar. It's quite cool (although frustrating) having this secret little crush. I have been dreaming about him all week and how we will get together (haha) as long as it isn't married or in a relationship!

OP posts:

Original poster

mummybookworm · 14/10/2010 22:08

Hmm, just did the new profile on fb, his settings are locked right down, so have no confirmation if he is married, but he has 3 friends that appear to be wife and kids. Oh well. It is only a silly crush!

OP posts:

greeneyes747 · 16/10/2010 00:36

Oh mummybookworm, I know just how you feel. I have a crush on someone at work, I only see him once a week and I SO look forward to those days...

I was devastated when a fortnight ago he casually mentioned his GIRLFRIEND..how dare he!!!

Although I was crushed at the time I decided that it wouldn't spoil my Crush-from-afar-fantasy and I still think about him all the time. What's the harm? Actually the day he told me about his gf, we stayed back in work together (had something to discuss) and ended up talking for an hour and a half and got locked in the building.. the alarm went off, oops.

I have had so many guilty thoughts about how it could have been different, it's so much fun. I don't think you should let the potential wife get in the way of your imagination! Just enjoy it for what it is - a crush. Doesn't mean anything else (unfortunately)

kittya · 16/10/2010 00:41

Do not set up a fictional facebook account!!! Please dont, I know that its not allowed and there is ways of them finding out.

Clicking on someones profile will not come up so use your own. Dont bloody put their name in your status by mistake though! In other words, dont do it when you are drunk!

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