DSiL moving in - how wd you deal with?

[ScarlettButler]

DSiL has lost her job and has asked if she can move in to our spare room so she can rent out her place (she'd pay us some rent too which wd help). I get on with her ok as it is but am a bit of a hermit and like my own space, and am worried about how me DP and DC will cope with someone else living here.

Has anyone had any similar experiences? Any suggestions for ground rules? Am I worrying unnecessarily and have people had good expereinces?

My BIL lives at home with his parents and they are an abject example of how not to do this.

You are right to have concerns and if you have misgivings now I would say no as you do not have the room.

I would think long and hard about all this before she moves in with you because this arrangement can go so very, very wrong and very quickly as well. It could well end up souring your relationship with her completely.

Do you actually have the room for this extra person?. If not it is okay to say no now. If you like your own space you will feel like you have been invaded by an interloper.
You ALL need to sit down long before she moves in to establish proper ground rules (do not do this just before or when she arrives!). Your DP must play his part here in this and cannot leave it all to you to sort out. You all need to establish who does what and what is expected from each other in terms of behaviour. Honest and frank communication between you all now is essential. If none of this can be achieved at this stage then she would actually be better off living elsewhere.

How does she get along with your children?.

Does she actually like children?. Would she help at all with the DC?.

What about her social life, could she be out till all hours?. How responsible a person is she?.

She absolutely cannot freeload off you, she needs to pay a set amount of rent on a monthly basis. This should take into account all utility usage, internet, food etc. Does she have specific food preferences; again such issues can cause problems. Does she hog the bathroom, how many bathrooms do you have?.

She also needs to NOW give you a firm leaving date: if she cannot or will not provide one this is further cause for concern and I would not take her in. I would not take her into your home at all if she cannot provide a leaving date.

As you can see there is an awful lot to think about here.

I also like my own space and have had people living with us for a few months at a time. Have to say, I hated it and would only do it again if we could separate the house, so that they had their own lounge and kitchen.

I never felt I could relax and watch TV by myself. I felt I should offer to make a drink, or something, when all I wanted to do was crash on the sofa for 2 minutes.

One "lodger" would bang doors throughout the night, waking the whole family.
He paid me to do his washing etc. , but it annoyed me totally that he would put clean, ironed, unworn clothes in for washing, because he could not be bothered to put them away!
He did not respect the family and I repeatedly had to tell him that as I expected my DCs to eat at the table, I did not want him stood up in the kitchen eating his breakfast.

He was the last one we had. We had a few before this who were OK and respected the family, got on well etc. but to be honest I was always happy when they moved on.

If you like your space you need ground rules right from the start.
Are you around during the day, but does she work?

Proceed with caution, I'd say!!!

oh I've just typed a long reply and lost it!

Basically, I'd say be careful, you need a fixed leave date, and be aware if she's renting out her place, that will be a minimum of 6 months, so you're looking at having her live with you for a minimum of 7 months. Can you cope with that?

I'd also suggest drawing up a contract as you would with a stranger being a lodger/paying guest. There's a rent a room scheme where you can charge a certain amount without having to pay tax on it, might be worth looking into what that is.

Ground rules should be discussed before she even puts her place on the rental market, so you don't feel pressured into taking her when you don't want to. Again, I'd draw them up to make it clear she's a housemate/lodger, not a guest you're going to run round after

From people I know who have had young family move in with them, the biggest sticking points tend to be washing/ironing; food (are you going to cook for her, or will she do her own? Will she clean up her mess before you need to cook for the DCs, will you be able to make space in your kitchen & fridge so she can store her food separately etc); and overnight guests. Nothing ruins a friendship like having to hear noisy sex at 3am when you've got to be up for work in the morning....

Hello all thank you for such good advice.
Attila, she is a responsible and kind person who I don't think would be having wild parties and she does adore DC which is good. I think DP and I wd give up our room and move into the guest room as our room has the world's smallest en suite - but wd at least solve the bathroom problem.
However my main concerns are a) as Attila points out, DP can't see any probs and so it's kind of being left up to me to (as it feels like) make problems by saying "but what if..." He - understandably - wants to help out his sister. Is v kind of him but I also feel (selfishly) that it's much easier for him to say as he isn't the one who entertains SiL and MiL so much when they come round but goes off to play computer games etc.
b) I think it's v different having someone stay overnight as she quite often does (as she's single and doesn't like going home by herself). I'm worried that a bit like Positive I won't be able to relax in front of telly - or that I'll be trying to be an exhausting Good Mum all the time insted of slobbing around watching CBeebies with DC.

c) She's very chatty. All DP's family are. I find it quite overwhelming sometimes. How rude would it be just to hide in my bedroom?
d) what if she doesn't find a job in 6 months - how can I turn round and say - sorry time's up...I couldn't

Think really carefully about this. Lots of good advice above. I had my DSiL living with us for nine months. It was very long. My advice is:

If you can bear it, let her have your room and own bathroom - it will make a difference. Does she have a tv? Make sure there is one in her room. You should not feel like you have to hide in your room.

Sort out money issues before she moves in. My DSiL paid NOTHING into the house the whole time she was there, although she did buy us the odd lunch and coffee. She didn't buy any food for sharing but ate our bread etc, and drank milk/cola etc that we had bought, ditto butter, washing up powder etc etc. She did buy stuff that she wanted but none of it was stuff we liked. It really drove me mad at the end.

What are you going to do about meals? I ended up cooking for her loads and she rarely reciprocated.

Make it clear you are the parent, my DSiL didn't say much any time she repremanded my child I was fuming.

You MUST have an end date. DSiL was supposed to be with us for six months and it ended up being nine, those last three months were veeerrrryyyy long!

Basically ground rules and pay her way!

Good Luck!

Dear god no.

I just couldn't.

Eliza70 thank you for telling your story! you hit the nail on the head...re DC. She's very good with DC but it's different playing with her for an afternoon. I think I will find it difficult if she tells DC off - I too will fume.
Will think about telly in bedroom as an option - not sure I can afford to buy both that and a chair though.
Meals - the idea would be she would share ours, but part of the rent wd go towards food bill.
I think she is happy to pay rent and will - so that is not my primary concern. It's having three of us suddenly become four.
She really is a nice person, if rather intense and talkative. I am just a rather private person I think.
All DP's family can get shouty when they have an argument and I'm not good at shoutiness at all so that worries me.

God don't start me on the ongoing family feuding I had to listen to! Also be aware that having her living there might mean you see other members of your DHs family more than normal too. My DBiL was round all the time cause he thought he was missing out on something.

Don't worry about getting a chair for her room but get the TV.

Meals: she will share, but who will cook???

Babysitting: will she babysit occasionally? DSiL said she would do this but in reality it was about three times.

Also if she is single... what about overnight guests? What if she gets a boyf while living with you?

How old is your DC? Will they be able to make noise early at the weekends or will you all be creeping about while she sleeps off a hangover.

Looking back, I don't know how I put up with it...

I was that SIL for a while. It's quite difficult to find the balance between friend & lodger. I'm assuming you're all fairly close, so "lodger rules" might feel weirdly fake to all of you. I would certainly recommend having a serious, 3-way talk about everything: she's probably worrying as much as you are!

What my two did right:
~ Told me quite plainly when they needed me out of the way.
~ Asked me quite clearly to buck up if I wasn't doing my share of tasks.
~ Clarified who was to do what laundry, washing-up, etc.
~ Clarified (repeatedly) their childcare rules. I stopped being indulgent aunty & became more like a supplementary parent.

We shared housework, weekly shopping, etc, as we always had during shorter visits.

What they did wrong:
~ Involved me in their marital difference. This is okay when you're only around for the wekend. Not so good when the whole damn thing plays out in your presence. It caused tension.

Although it wasn't perfect - there was often a bit of resentment swimming around, about one thing or another - we did it twice, for about four months each time, so it must have worked okay :)

Communication, as ever, is key.

'differences' and 'weekend', obv

ItsGhoulAgain - thanks for putting forward the other viewpoint - very helpful
I'm very keen NOT to involve her in any arguments - to be fair when she has been round before during a domestic she has very sweetly tried to help by taking my side - which has made it worse - DP feels cornered and I feel frustrated as then I can't say my side without it escalating!
I feel we have to say that no intervention in arguments - but other than DP and I retiring to bedroom to hiss argument across room at each other not sure how works in practice...How did you get it to work?
I think we have to sit down and say: this is when we need privacy - and also sometimes just for me, DP and DC to be together as a little family. It feels very weird and unfriendly to say this but may be better in long run
Ditto washing, cooking etc. Like all families we have rather weird systems that work for us but may be strange to an outsider...
I also MUST impress on DP this all needs to be done and sorted as he is being v laid back.
Eliza70 - I am trying NOT to dwell on the fact this inevitably means MiL will be round more often
DC is 18 months. DSiL has been fine with her getting up early when visiting...not so sure when it's not a novelty any more....

Mostly, I tried to keep it at 'weekend' level. I'd stick my oar in when asked, but when tempers started to flare I retired to chain-smoke in the conservatory

Their housekeeping standards were different from mine but tbh I went the flow & did it their way (better) than I do at home. My own room was filthy by their standards. The rest of the house was as normal for them :)

We all know tots get up early & want attention! It does mean you can have a bit of a lie-in if she's doing the early morning stuff sometimes

Does she have the option of renting out a room in her house so that she can get some income and still live there?

I would be v.v.reluctant, but I am quite a private person and even object to visitors turning up when I'm not expecting them :)

If she does come, then get something agreed in writing about how much rent she will pay you and get her to set up a standing order with the bank so that you aren't having to ask for the money each month.

I don't really see that she would have any grounds to object to your DD making noise in the mornings, she is choosing to come and live with you so she should be prepared to accept things as they are.

I am not saying be inhospitable, and certainly I would plan to eat together but come to an arrangement about sharing the cooking. Maybe you could have a separate kitty for takeaway nights so that there is no bad feeling about who has paid more times than the other?

Alibaba - great idea re kitty and takeaway nights!
Her flat is 1 bed so she couldn't really stay there and rent out. She'll find it easier to keep afloat financially by renting out her place and paying us rent if you see what I mean - she'd be able to charge more rent on her place than we could charge her.I don't mean also that she would complan massively about DC first thing in the morning - she just looked a bit shellshocked a couple of weeks ago when DC kicked off at 5.30am and she didn't get back to sleep!
ItsGhoul - we don't have a conservatory. Will have to offer her Wendy house in garden instead to retire to during arguments....

I like the takeaway idea, too!

It is a good idea to cover your 'family' nights and I think you should discuss this with her. Presumably she has got a life, so don't forget she'll be off doing her own stuff. With us, the togetherness thing worked out just as it does in a family - or a flatshare. You know, the afternoon phone call about who'll be home for dinner and could you pick up some fresh bread on your way back? Before you decide to go all rigid about who does what on which nights, remember you're more likely to have a free babysitter if you're flexible ...

It was more or less painless. The main things, imo, are the household basics and your relationship stuff. That can take a bit of sensitivity but, hopefully, you like each other enough to sort those things out as needed. One idea I would copy from some other friends of mine is the family "conference". It's an excellent habit to get your DCs into, as well - appoint one evening a week (maybe takeaway night, or Sunday pub afternoon?) for grievance-airing, plans-sharing, problem-solving and child-praising session.