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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I overreacting?

12 replies

oldflametrouble · 11/10/2010 22:03

Just want to have a sounding on this..
an ex ( we were engaged a long time back) has recently split from his 2nd wife- she dumped him after a short marriage .

he lives miles away but we have always kept in touch.

I have been offering him support by email since she left and he has made very caring comments about what he feels for me etc etc. and suggested we might met up sometime as friends ( we have done this before.) But I wasn't coming on strong as I felt it was too soon.

I felt something was up as his emails have been less full of angst and he now tells me he has met someone- it's only 8 weeks since he moved out of the house he had with his wife. he isn't sure about it and in fact he feels quite detached from her, even though on paper she ticks boxes.

I sent him a very short email saying I wasn't going to say anything..though of course he knows what I think. He has a history of getting involved too soon then breaking things off, and his email about it all simply reinforced all of that- he is not comfortable with it, but doesn't seem to be able to help himself. I said he hadn't wasted time.

He replied rather curtly this is why he doesn't tell me anything and he already has a mother. ( who happens to have made the same comment(s) as me.)

Would that hurt you?

I feel really hurt. Maybe he meant it as a joke, but he has kept this new woman quiet- he must have started dating 2-3 weeks after he moved into his own place, and during that time I have been asking if he was okay etc etc. and offering support.

I admit my heart is still involved a bit, and I feel a bit jealous. But I also feel a fool- all along he was with someone and I was emailing him as if he was sitting at home crying into his beer.

I have sent a curt reply saying if that's how he feels about me ( ie like another mother, and unable to tell me anything due to me passing comment )- fine.

Am I over reacting? I know I can!

OP posts:
BitOfFunderthepatio · 11/10/2010 22:06

He clearly no longer sees you as a romantic prospect, and you have wasted your energy on him, as you clearly do.

Let him stew in his own juice.

oldflametrouble · 11/10/2010 22:09

he was seeing me as some kind of prospect as a few weeks back he was asking if I'd meet him,, and muttering about weekends away... .... and I said okay.

OP posts:
BitOfFunderthepatio · 11/10/2010 22:16

So you think he has moved with indecent haste into another relationship, but it would have been fine if it had been with you? Confused

buttonmoon78 · 11/10/2010 22:35

It sounds like you had a narrow escape previously and an even narrower one now.

He is not grown up enough to sustain a meaningful relationship by the sounds of it and you need to forget him and move on.

Harsh possibly, but true. Bitoffun says it all really.

oldflametrouble · 11/10/2010 23:03

No- it wouldn't have been all right BOF- that's why I have not really pursued it. I was being a friend.

OP posts:
ScaryFucker · 11/10/2010 23:44

love, you are full of contradictions...do you realise that ?

Footlong · 12/10/2010 01:16

oldflame - You are perfectly justified in how you have responded, just steer clear for awhile... oh and ignore ScaryFuckers comment.

BitOfFunderthepatio · 12/10/2010 02:39

I was going to ask you if you had to get up extra early in the morning to think up such idiotic comments, Footlong, but then I checked my watch...

Footlong · 12/10/2010 03:03

You have a digital I bet....

3thumbedwitch · 12/10/2010 05:18

No I don't think you are over-reacting - it's been a bit of a blow to your - is "hopes" too strong a word? He might have meant it as a joke but still, no woman like being likened to a bloke's mother (IME).

I agree with BoF though - narrow escape, both times.

Who broke off your engagement, as a matter of interest? I'm thinking it was him...

ScaryFucker · 12/10/2010 08:22

footlong...is there any particular reason you picked out my post ?

LoopyLoops · 12/10/2010 08:27

I'm sorry, but I think his reply was perfectly reasonable. "you haven't wasted time" is very passive aggressive, and shows him that you think he's rushed into it. "of course he knows what I think" indicates that you've told him this at least once before. I don't blame him for being curt with you, and you need to back away, or he will really resent you.

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