please help me with jealousy...

[cocopear]

....its ruining my relationship.

I have been with dp nearly 4 years and we are engaged. we have an 18 MO dd and i have a 5 YO ds from a prev marriage. i am 30 and he is 10 years older.

I have had this problem pretty much ever since the start. i am crazy about him and aside from my jealousy problem our relationship is great, he is a great dad and partner and is crazy about me too. he is gorgeous as well. And he has no idea of the extent of how I feel, I just daren't tell him because I am embarassed and worry he will think I am crazy. :(

I think far too much about his exes, obsess about whether they were better looking than me, whether they had better bodies, were better in bed etc etc.....we recently had our first holiday as a couple and I even let it ruin my holiday a bit because i was wondering whether it was "better" or "worse" than holidays he has had with exes.

He was married before and has a 15 YO dd and 2 step-kids (they are 18 and 22), I am even jealous that I wasn't the first girl he took on with kids. Also his dd with his ex was planned and ours was more of a "happy accident" which really grates on me. I am even jealous that XW had a natural birth (I had a planned cs) and I wonder whether his DD's birth was more "special" than our DD's birth because of that (even though i WANTED a c/s) ...I wonder if she was more special than our DD because she was his firstborn. I also hate my body after having DC, even though I'm only a size 10, I have loads of stretchmarks and a saggy tummy, no matter how much I diet and exercise, so i even stress about really superficial things like whether his XW had a better body compared to me. I even figured out when he got engaged to his ex and worked out that he got engaged quicker with her than he proposed to me, which also makes me jealous. omg I am actually embarassed as I type this.

I hate feeling like this, its eating me up and I know its completely out of hand and abnormal, I wish I could just forget about it. its not his fault he has a past, i just wish i could deal with it. I know I have really low self esteem, even though he always tells me he thinks I am gorgeous and makes it clear how much he loves and fancies me. He also has often told me in the past that he has never been this happy and in love with anyone until me so why am I feeling like this, why can't I just take his word for it? and how can I get over my jealousy? I know I am pathetic and insecure, I hate myself. this is really rambling I know but I just wanted to get everything down before I changed my mind and didnt post. :(

Are you me? i chose to suck mine up and don't make a big deal out of it, nothing we can do about the past i'm afraid.

No advice but wanted to know your not the only one to feel like this.

Cocopear, you must keep reminding yourself that if you don't control the way you feel you will ruin this wonderful relationship you have. You will give out negative signals & end up pushing your dp away. You must start to see yourself as attractive & lovable otherwise how can you expect anyone else to? He's not with any of his ex's, he's with YOU & he clearly has his reasons for being there. If anything, his ex's should feel jealous of you if he's as great as you say he is!. It's futile to constantly keep comparing your lives together to his past. If his other relationships were so great, why did they end? Start acting more confident even if you don't feel it & eventually you will start to believe your own publicity!

Cocopear, you must keep reminding yourself that if you don't control the way you feel you will ruin this wonderful relationship you have. You will give out negative signals & end up pushing your dp away. You must start to see yourself as attractive & lovable otherwise how can you expect anyone else to? He's not with any of his ex's, he's with YOU & he clearly has his reasons for being there. If anything, his ex's should feel jealous of you if he's as great as you say he is!. It's futile to constantly keep comparing your lives together to his past. If his other relationships were so great, why did they end? Start acting more confident even if you don't feel it & eventually you will start to believe your own publicity!

thesunshines - glad it isn't just me

didgeridoo - thank you, i know i need to control it, and i know i need to have more confidence and self-belief, i just don't know how to :(

How about you just stop thinking about this?

I think the problem is less self-belief than obsessive thought patterns.

You are spending way too much time thinking, comparing, looking for signs if his past to dwell on.

He used to love someone else enough to marry her, to plan a child with her, to be a stepdad to her kids. You have always known that, and now you're engaged and have a child of your own it's too late for this to be a dealbreaker.

I think any attempt to think your way through this (he loves me more, he is with me now) is just feeding the problem, which is that this non-issue is taking up too much (any?) part of your mental space.

From now on just push the thoughts away, don't think them, don't dwell on them. They are ridiculous, unworthy of your time.

If you can break thd pattern of thinking one day you will think of his past life and not feel jealous of it.

He sounds like a very nice man btw

I spent a little time with a counsellor a long while ago over similar issues, although more focused on one thing in particular and less severe than what you are describing.

My counsellor gave me a useful technique that might help you to get control of your feelings. Basically, every time that you feel yourself getting jealous or thinking about this stuff, you should visualise a box in your mind. Put your jealous thoughts and feelings inside the box and close it. Then, once a day, allow yourself to mentally unpack the box and look at what has been bothering you. It sounds stupid but the point of it is to stop these thoughts from taking over your mind all the time whilst still allowing yourself an opportunity to acknowledge them, preferably after you have had time to rationalise them properly and can see them for what they really are.

Might not work for you but worth a try perhaps!

thanks skidoodly :) thats a very good idea...i wish it was as easy as it sounds, i also agree that my thoughts have become obsessive, i spend way too much time thinking about everything i said in my OP.

the strange thing was, when we were first together, it actualy didnt bother me that he had been married etc. i had so much more confidence.

He told me in the early days of our relationship (when we were talking about our past relationships) that he was young and naive when he met XW, never really wanted marriage, she was the one pushing for it etc. he said he only ended up moving her and her kids in because she was in a difficult living situation. he said that if they hadn't moved in together, the relationship would naturally have fizzled out. but once he moved her in he says he felt responsible for her and her kids and didnt want to leave them in a bad situation. but all i can see is the "fairytale" on the surface which (in my eyes) looks like a whirlwind romance and quick marriage and babies :(

Their marriage ended badly about a year before we met. they had several miserable years together where they ended up in loads of debt because she refused to get a job and kept spending. she treated him badly and made him feel worthless, putting him down all the time and goading him that he didnt earn enough for the lifestyle she wanted. she also didnt like him seeing his friends, playing football or going out, yet she didnt want to go out with him either. He said they had nothing in common. He was depressed and even suicidal at some points whilst he was with her and felt like his life was over. he said the only good things were the kids. when he left her, he houseshared with friends until we met and moved in together. He says when he moved out, he had a new lease of life and finally felt free and that he had a chance to start again and find happiness.

so, reading all that, why can't i stop these feeling and just believe everything he has told me and believe that our relationship is the best for both of us?

are you me OP? i have similar jealousy "issues" too :(

sorry, no real advice but watching thread with interest.

Don't you think it is more romantic to wait until the right time to settle down?

Oh never mind, it's not about that, is it?

More agonising over this stuff = compounding the issue

Look, it's 12th October today. From now until 12th April every time these thoughts come into your head think about something nice in the future (next holiday, next baby, whatever) instead of dwelling on ancient history.

If you still have this same problem after the clocks have changed and changed back again and you have really tried not to give thus stuff any headspace, then someone else might have a better idea.

Listen, I also feel your real issue is your self-worth and I agree the imaginary box is a very useful way to handle obsessive thoughts. You have to spend some time on mentally constructing this box - make it very beautiful! I've also got a set of Peruvian worry dolls - still use them sometimes. You tell one doll each of worries (there are ten), then pu them to bed in their box until the next day

Having said that, cocopear, could you expand on this? the strange thing was, when we were first together, it actualy didnt bother me that he had been married etc. i had so much more confidence. What happened, do you think?

itsghoul and spidookley speak sense OP!

Whenever I've dealt with someone who feels this level of jealousy, there have always been other issues going on below the surface and elsewhere in their life.

Are you someone who has difficulty making and keeping friendships with women? Are you someone who places enormous value on how you look and how other women look, in comparison to you? Do you compare your daughter's beauty to other female children?

You've also got "birth jealousy" and say you had a planned, wanted CS. Why was that? Could that be connected with not wanting your DP to see you in childbirth and your fears about him not desiring you as a result, or misinformed fears that sex would be less enjoyable...for him?

I also wonder about your insecurity about your DP and where this stems from. Does he compare you unfavourably to his ex-wife in terms of her age, her appearance? What is his relationship with his teenage DD and his stepDCs? In fact, what is his relationship like with his exW?

Does your DP do or say things that fuel your jealousy or superiority i.e. make derogatory remarks about other women, especially their appearance? Does he categorise women and make judgements about them? Has he ever told you that he thinks other women are just jealous of you? Has he ever left one relationship for another?

I'm also interested that you're not talking to him about any of this, which implies a dissonance in the image you would like him to have of you (the cool confident woman perhaps) and the reality.

These are not questions you have to answer, but I'd be surprised if some or all of this wasn't happening, in which case there are a lot of issues that need unravelling with a trained therapist.

Hi Wwifn - Sorry I haven't been back to answer your questions, I was really poorly last week and didn't come online much. But they are really interesting and have made me think and I will do my best to answer them.

-Re, friendships with other women. I don't have any problems now, but growing up I was badly bullied by girls at school and found it hard to make friends. I also found that when I started work women didn't like me much and I struggled to make friends or even get on with women in the workplace.

-Re, my looks. Again, this stems back from growing up I think. I was an ugly duckling at school but when I left I seemed to grow into my looks I guess and suddenly started getting noticed by men and fot the first time in my life I was "pretty". I spent my 20's really enjoying the attention TBH but now I am 30 I am aware that my looks are not going to last much longer. and no, I would never compare my DD's "beauty" to other children.

-Re my planned Caesarean. I have a diagnosed psychological fear of childbirth and both DC were born by CS because of this. And yes, some of this is because I was afraid of my partners seeing me give birth and what they might think of me :( and also due to a fear of being out of control and fear of tearing, stitches etc.

-Re DP's ex. DP doesn't compare me to her -as such- at all, but he often says I am the "most beautiful" girl he has been out with, and that ours is the "best" relationship he has ever had, but he doesnt compare me directly to any of his ex partners.

-Re DP's attitude towards other women. He doesn't say anything derogatory about them, not looks wise anyway. not sure what you mean by "categorise" women?

-Re his relationship with his DD / stepkids / ex. he is on civil speaking terms when necessary with his ex and sees and speaks to his DD regularly. He has no contact with his stepsons through mutual agreement I think, they were/are very close to their bio dad and DP was never a "dad" to them as such so when him and XW split up AFAIK neither party (ie DP and stepkids) wanted contact. so thats OK although as I said in my OP the break up initially was very acrimonious. but DP didn't leave XW for anyone else, he didn't even date anyone until he met me.

It would be great to hear your thoughts on the above! Although I haven't been thinking about it much as I had a pretty bad health scare last week (am ok now though) and it has kind of put things in perspective for me a bit.

Just another - you are not the only 1 to feel this way! The box idea is a really good one, and does work, mostly.

Cocopear - I have PMd you.

pm'd you back wwifn

and thanks busylizzie :)