Self destruct mode

[itsallmadness]

Feel like I'm on a self destruct mission.

DH had an affair with my friend for 3 years. He insisted he didn't want to be with her and promised me no contact. But over the last two years i know that they have been in contact.

I asked him to leave and he refused saying that a divorce would make our life a misery - he can't afford two houses. Im a SAHM and the children would be devastated. I agree with these things and perhaps my happiness isn't as important as the DCs. A split would mean a change in lifestyle and the DC will be affect by this hugely.

I also can't deal with people who were and still are mutual friends. For those who know about the affair, why have they supported a woman who keeps trying to destroy my marriage, my family? For those who don't know what happened all I can feel is that they really don't know how she has helped (with DH of course) to destroy to marriage.

The OW is using one of our friends to contact my DH but I don't know if this friend knows that or if he knows about the affair and is allowing it. Should i say something and risk looking stupid?

I feel stuck, I want to tell friends what she has done but at the same time I know I will lose respect and dignity.

Just venting!! Need to go

I have nothing very helpful to say to you, except to tell you that your happiness is as important as your DCs, how can they be happy if you are not?

You seem very ashamed, I think you need to remind yourself that your DH's affair was not your fault.

It's much worse to be stuck with someone you don't want to be with than to be on your own with your children. Take it from one who knows.

Take care of yourself.

Go away on holidays to your parents for two weeks. Cite stress and a near mental breakdown. Leave him to do the childcare, take time of work etc.

He needs to be forced to change his tune and attitude towards you and to see exactly how demanding it is to keep a home with small children going. He's holding his OW in pedestal mode. He needs to realise that life with her and the children is an awful lot more complicated than he can ever imagine, and then some.

Oh, and he also needs to stop blackmailing you. He's the one causing the unhappiness, not the children. HIM.

Poor you. This sounds like an intolerable situation. Are you sure your DH is still in contact with the OW? You must remember that your dc's happiness depends on your happiness and state of mind. Obviously they would be upset by a split, but having a mum who is trying to cope with emotional abuse and lack of respect from her DH is not good for them either. This situation will be putting you under an unacceptable amount of stress which, if it goes on, could seriously damage your mental and physical health. That is not good for your children.

I'm still struggling to come to terms with my own DH's infidelity and am finding that almost impossible. His was a single sexual encounter and some stupid texts over a period of weeks and he is moving heaven and earth to put things right. I can't begin to imagine how awful this must be for you. I can't see how any couple could recover from an affair if the guilty party wasn't being completely honest and moving heaven and earth to demonstrate their absolute commitment to their partner.

As for friends, well, some of mine behaved most oddly. One, who I'd always thought of as a really close friend and a shoulder to cry on couldn't be seen for dust when I told her what I was going through. Made me wonder if she'd been having an affair with dh as well!

Do you think your dh wants to save your marriage or does he just want to avoid the expense of setting up his own household?

I think dh can't bear to be without the dc. He doesn't want to be with OW but perhaps still has some feelings for her. He doesn't want to break the image of 'family'.

On the surface I appear quite happy and at home when dh is not around I am actually happy with the kids. He has completely broken my trust and has taken me for granted I know. But he just can't see why I can't forgive him and give our marriage another go (for the third time!)

I am not sure if dh is still in contact, I had some calls yesterday, where the caller kept hanging up, I am 95% sure it was ow. She has been relentless in destroying my family. If I was to ask DH whether she has been in contact with ow, how will i know if he is telling me the truth? He ha lied in the past.

DH is blackmailing me and I really do want to be without him but i don't have the strength to fight for the children/house etc. I know that a divorce may make me happier but I also know that it will destoy my childrens' happiness. They adore their father, he is a good dad and he does his fair share of the housework. Apart from the affair, he is not a bad father. I know this sounds awful but believe me, many women would love him to be their husband!

As for friends, its just another blow. I can't get round my head why people would act like this. I want to let some mutual friends know what she (ow) has done, just so they understand what I am going through. OW has told so many lies and I can't even set people straight.

I feel so torn and on the edge.

Venting. Thank you for listening...

no, I wouldn't want him for my husband

he is a cheat and a liar

cheating on the mother of his children and expecting her to put-up and shut-up does not a good father make

do you want him to stay with you out of love for his children ? Could you stomach the humiliation ? He is still their father whatever happens

this will sound harsh, but you are valuing nice possessions and a bit of money to play around with above your pride...I don't like the idea of how that looks, tbh

ok for some women, they will turn a blind eye to serial affairs to keep the nice house and the illusion of the perfect family life (even though the whole town secretly feels sorry for her)

they can even convince themselves they are still no.1 to their husband if he can manage to keep his sordid cock-dipping off his own doorstep

but your husband couldn't even manage to afford you that consideration ...it doesn't bode well

so, what do you want to do ? He isn't going to make a decision, not while you allow him to bask in the cosy fires of family life and don't ask too many questions about what he is doing when away from you

so I will say again, only a woman who is willing to tolerate an open marriage (not necessarily wrong, if both parties get to enjoy the "open-ness"), or one whose self-respect is in the toilet would want your bloke as a husband

perhaps you could suggest an open marriage to him...sauce for the goose and all that

SF - everything you said is right but it really is about protecting the children. I love them too much to hurt them, I feel my existence is only for them. I can do without a lovely house and possessions but I would be taking that away from the dcs. Why should they suffer?

DH claims that he would forgive me if I had an affair although I'm not too sure but I know he would not kick me out.

I am definitely not turning a blind eye as it was always me that has found out that they had remained in contact or occasionally met up. Believe it or not OW doesn't even live in the country any more but has still managed to cause destruction. I don't think it was a physical affair, it was emotional which is worse.

DH keeps telling me that he only loves me not her and I know it can't be true. He wants things to go back to the way the were before the affair but i know it can't and he doesn't seem to understand.

OW meanwhile is still with her dh and dcs. She has destroyed my marriage whilst she lives the glamourous high life. She never showed any remorse, continued to have parties and managed to get mutual friends to side with her. Her Dh knows but forgives her each time.

I am stuck and feel like i'm going to crack, I can't stomach the humiliation and its not cosy at home, we hardly talk.

I just can't do this to the kids. It breaks my heart to destroy their happy childhood (11 and 12).

love, the OW didn't destroy your marriage...your husband did that

you are not destroying their happy childhood...he did that

do you think they would want you to live with such unhappiness for their sakes ??

too much pressure, for them...your existence is only for them ? That sounds crazy, tbh

the grown-up children from homes where mummy was an unhappy wreck almost invariably say, with hindsight, they wish their parents had split up and pursued their own individual happiness

I am not sure what you want from this thread

Do you want someone to tell you it is OK to stay with your husband. Of course it is OK, if that is what you want and you have your eyes wide open. But don't do it only for the children...you might find they do not thank you for it in later life

and your self-esteem will suffer further

pursue your own happiness, the rest will follow

have you sought individual counselling ?

you sound like you are on the edge, and need some RL ears to listen x

in around 5-10 years time your children are going to up and leave you to pursue their own life

please think about that

Went there last year with DH, did not find them helpful at all. I wanted them to somehow 'dig' dh for the truth of why he did certain things during and after the affair but the counsellor just hovered over the edges. Saw someone on my own too but she said she couldn't really help!

try another counsellor, on your own

some are better than others

Samaritans ? they are a fab listening ear. Your Op was a bit scary, tbh. You have a lot of anger (understandably), most of it misdirected and corrosive.

Throwing yourself into "living only for the kids" isn't the answer, either.

How can your children be happy when you are so sad? You sound totally worn down with thinking about everyone else save yourself.

Do not accept this crap from your H. If oyu do, you are setting a bad example for your children. You and they deserve better.

SF - i know my kids are going to leave home and i'll have nothing.

TBH I think I just want to vent as I can't do so any where else. I just want to let out my problems because otherwise it would drive me mad.

My parents have no idea what has been going on, so i'm building the courage to speak to them first (they have so much to deal with in the past few years that this would just top it for them)

Thanks for 'listening' though I really do appreciate your advice and support.

that is good of you to say, because tbh, I am not saying anything you want to hear

I urge you to confide in your parents. I am sure they would feel worse if they thought you were protecting them, to your own detriment

you need some support in RL

LC - you are right but as much as i have read about why couples divorce and why a woman should leave a cheating partner, I have equally read about those children who wished that their parents had stayed together. I have seen so many children go off the rails when their parents split up, I really don't want that for them.

SF - I think I am angry and corrosive hence the self destruct mode. I know my DH destroyed the marriage but OW was a friend once and as a married woman I really don't understand why she doesn't walk away from DH. If she showed no interest then he wouldn't have to keep going back and even if DH showed interest she could turn her back on him. I have told DH that he is free to go and be with her but he doesn't want to.

I understand your anger, honestly

but I still feel it is misdirected

Thanks SF and LC - I know i haven't resolved anything but feel like i've off-loaded and someone is listening/understanding.

hey, how could you possibly resolve everything after a few exchanges with a bunch of strangers ?

stick around, read the boards, come back and post whenever you need it (don't expect to hear fluffy "there-theres" though, you will get challenged if people think your thinking is skewed)

there is a brilliant poster called WhenWillIFeelNormal, have a search for her words of wisdom

and lots of others who are out of the other side of this...some who stayed and some who couldn't make it work

good luck x