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[late30s]

Hello, wow, there are others out there who are normal and have feelings!! I have been looking over the recent posts on here and now, how can I put it, I thought my life was bad! I don't want to benefit from other people's misery but I had recently given up on allowing myself to have emotions and have turned into a bit of a robot. Basically we've been trying to finish a house build and so all talk of "having a life" has been banned from our house....it's hell. Never again will I embark on housey things, if it means living in a flat with my two kids, then that's what I'll do to get my freedom back. Me and DH (mmm need to get used to this) have discussed separating after the house build is finished. I think, hang on, why suffer the stress of being on a building site, never having a penny to spend, not having a social life, only to be told (and it feels a bit like being told) at the end of it, that we're going to sell the house and separate. Problem for me though is that, I am a forgiving person, I have forgiven previous disappointments and agreed to try again several times.....only to find myself thinking the same thoughts, "I don't love him" and "he doesn't make me happy", do I need to grow up and accept that this is all part of being a responsible parent for the sake of our boys, or should I really be listening to these thoughts? Any comments welcomed....

I'd be paying heed to the thoughts you are having particularly if the same keeps cropping up from time to time.

Presumably your H has come up with all sorts of schemes before now and you've gone along with what turns out to be yet another disapointment or hare brained scheme?.

The boys won't thank you for staying in an unhappy relationship (and as adults would likely call you a daft cow for staying for their so called benefit because it did not do them any good!).

What are you BOTH teaching them about relationships here?. Think about that at some length. Better for you and your H to be apart and happier (children certainly know when parents are at each others throats) than to be together and miserable as a result.

Thanks for your frank and to the point response AttilaTheMeerkat, what I failed to tell you is that we're currently living in France, because of previous (how did you guess? yes hare brained schemes) we moved out here 3 years ago. Actually I would like to think that I've adapted pretty well, have got the kids sorted at school, speak a reasonable level of French, have a part-time English teaching job and so on, H has also worked really hard getting us into a nice house - so it's not all bad. What I can't help thinking is, if we separate and move again will I be giving up everything we've worked for? H can be an arse, but then, so can I? takes two doesn't it? Anyway, the prospect of being a single parent in a foreign country feels even less appealling than the current situation. My brain tells me to stick it out until the boys are at a more independent age, and my heart tells me to find a real love.....what can I say? You seem to be quite informed about kids and their responses, have you been through something similar?? p.s. thanks for taking an interest, nice to have someone listening for a change.

Hi late, just wanted to add - I'm in France too, and getting anything done on a house is much much different from in the UK.

We didn't build, rather bought a 50s house that hadn't been touched since it was built. It hasn't been easy, especially as the majority don't seem particularly conscientious regarding quality. We found it extremely stressful, and we had been together for 30 years when we arrived.

I realise from your post that money is tight, but is there any chance of you getting away from it for a day now and again? Go for a walk, have a cheap ouvrier menu for ?11 and ban all talk of the house, plumbing, electrics, drains etc. Where I live, in theory it's only 1/4l per head, but the bar owner seems to judge it by your face when you walk in. We've had nearly 2 litres of red between us, now and again - must have been when it was really tough.

Take care, and it won't last for ever - it just seems like it.

ah,thanks TB, that makes things seem a little better. I will try and put some of your advice into practise - either that or we'll be winging our way back to Angleterre separately in the New Year!

I'm glad that what I said helped, it's easy to feel so alone. Do you post on here ? There are regional forums so you might find some people near you, and apart from a (thankfully) few who are agressive and spout crap, there is quite a lot of help about building under the various sections.

Where abouts are you? I'm down in the SW, and having read 'a year in provence' would have given anything for plumbers as good as the ones he found.

Are you involved in the building physically? I signed on a year ago, and though I don't get any cash, I've been given help with French through the Greta although mine isn't too bad, and also help with trying to find a job by doing aptitude tests etc. If you do have the time, it does get you out, even if for 1 day a week, and you meet other people.

However much your oh may be your soulmate, when you're together 24/7, they can be the easiest person in the world to hate sometimes, and it's easy to forget why you're there.

How old are your ds? Our dd was just 9 when we arrived, and I went to the agm of the equivalent of the pta and was 'told' I was going to be on the committee. It was quite good fun, and the meetings did my French quite a lot of good. Not only that, but one of the secretaries has put out feelers for me regarding opportunities for teaching English/helping children who are having problems with it at school.

If you want to pm me to ask any more questions, please do - I'd be glad to help if I can.

Thanks again TB, we are in the South also, near Montelimar - home of Nougat. Funny that you mention Greta, I did some work for them last year which turned out to be hell....they were extremely bossy and there was a minefield of form filling and paperwork to complete. Yes I do get the impression that some people on here are very much of the "pack up your troubles and run" brigade - but things aren't always as simple as that, esp. when all the money is tied up in the house and our children are settled at school - just upping and leaving would certainly not help, and besides, where would we go? I had a dream last night, which seemed to jolt me out of my rather cynical state of mind, long story short, I found myself in all sorts of vulnerable situations, the fear was palpable and my OH was always asleep on the bed in each situation.....bizarre. Anyway, it made me realise that life here aint so bad, we're secure, I know that I am loved, and yes we've been going through an enourmous amount of change and upheaval and I'm not the only one finding it tough, OH is knackered, which my dream very clearly demonstrated. There was a bit of kissing and making up today, and things feel a lot lighter....for now...In terms of getting out and socialising, I do feel that we've picked a bit of a dead village, the mums are very nice, but all extremely private, I think it's a French thing....so yes, I miss having a cuppa tea and a natter. Another thing is that obviously when you aint got much money,you can't just go home when you feel homesick. I haven't been back to England now, since February and I desperately miss my Mum. Anyway, we've planned to go for Christmas and hopefully next year will see us alleviated of some of our financial obligations. The other thing, you might know about this, is that we applied for CAF money for our kids well over a year ago now, and they keep saying that it's being processed, but I've heard nothing since....so, for now we don't get a bean from either the French or English governments....do you know of any benefits that we are entitled to here en France. Thanks for being there, you must tell me more about you.......

Hi -sorry that your Greta were a pita, it was the secretary at mine that suggested sending my cv to the other lycées in the town for the possibility of teaching English/helping with homework etc. She is really kind - however the admin person is a complete cow.

How big is the place you live? Our village has just tipped the 1000 mark at the last census, and there are cards in the Spar and the Mairie for 'soutien scolaire'. You can do this sort of work under the cheque emploi system, just have to register with your bank. The people pay you, and then your cotisations are taken out of their bank account. For some things, they can claim a credit d'impot, so they get some of it back. Might be worth it, as they are getting very big on learning English.

We've been back about once a year, although not since April last year. We've not been this year 'cos it's been a tough one financially - and the latest is that the impots are demanding the repayment of nearly ?4k in credit d'impots because of the way an invoice has been done. Grrrr! It's the same plumber that didn't put anti-freeze in the heat pump system that can't do the invoice properly to satisfy the tax people.

Thinking again about the CAF - there is an assistante sociale that comes to the Mairie, normally once a week. It might be an idea to go and see them, and see if they can give the CAF a bit of a nudge. The other approach, might be to go and see the CAF once a week if it's not too far, and see if you can't wear them down. Have you applied for a bourse from the school? I seem to remember we got a form when dd was in CM1, but didn't sent it off, 'cos stupidly I didn't understand what a bourse was. I do now and fill them all in. This year we have had a college bourse, a departmental one, the allocation rentrée scolaire, and our dept the Correze has decided to give every family ?300 if their dc are interne as otherwise they have all the dormitories empty.

By the way, my dh is early retired and I am in my 50s. We have 1 dd who was 13 at the week end. We also have 2 cats, but no hamsters any more, thank goodness.

On the social front, our village is a bit 'closed', too. I think it's a bit the way the French are. I've sort of made friends with one person - she's lived in Limoges, and thinks they are all a bit backward here!

I do think that there is a difference between the people who come to France independently, and those who come over with jobs. I think that the independent route is the tough one, in that you have to organise everything yourself, whereas if the move is with a job, a lot of the admin-y things, if not done for you, then at least there is probably a bit of help.

Any other questions, please ask, and I'll help if I can.

Hello again TB, am enjoying your helpful posts. funny that you say the admin woman at Greta is a complete cow, it was the admin woman that finally finished me off last year. I am ok in terms of work as I have some teaching with a language school and go into the Nuclear Power Plant to teach the staff as part of their DIF (assuming you know this). Out of interest, how long have you been here? What keeps you here? How do you survive the tough moments? On an up note, me and OH are getting on much better now after my "it aint all that bad" dream. TBH I think i might suffer with bouts of depression, I went rapidly down hill after our family left in the Summer - it seems that I swing from BIG Highs, to all time Lows, this might have something to do with feeling isolated - plus I am the only girl in a family of boys - I've had to forego "what Katy did next" on telly for the football, but as I have you to type a little message too, I don't mind. We are living in a small village called Marsanne, not far from Montelimar.....this will most certainly identify me! Anyway, keep posting and I will follow your advice about the CAF - just sometimes feel like you're flogging a dead horse. So sorry to hear about your tax bill, the French are really on the ball when it comes to this subject, I've noticed, however that they seem a lot less willing to enable you to get into work to pay the bloody things!

We will have been here 4 years at the end of November. As to what keeps us here, well, it's easy, it's money. Having bought our house, and spent nearly the same again on restauration we couldn't afford to go back. We bought in Jan 2007, at the top of the market, so if we sold, at the very least, we would lose about ?80k, and so couldn't get back into the uk market.
As for the tough moments, I think we just grit our teeth, drink too much, eat too much crap and keep going.

However, we had very tough times in the uk, so not much has changed on that front. Having said that, some of the toughest have been caused by being hard up - all our income is in £, so when the pound has only been worth ?1.05, as opposed to ?1.54 when we first moved, we have found it very tight. The most sensible thing we did was to keep uk credit cards - and our overdraft limit, which fortunately we haven't had to use.

Our village has most of the day to day essentials - a Spar with a huge wine section, a credit agricole open 2 and half days a week, though it was 5 1/2 when we came, a groupama, bar/presse, butcher, baker, salaison maker, retirement home, kine/chiropodist, dentist, vet, doctor, pharmacy and, of course, a hairdresser even though it's only half the size of the town we left in Cheshire. Super U and Ecomarché are about 12 km away, and we're only about 20km north of Brive, which with Malemort, has pretty much everything.

As I said in an earlier post, I'm looking for work, but my rather unpleasant conseilli`ere at pole emploi thinks that I won't have any luck while I've not been on both an FLE and an accountancy course, although the only difference with the uk seems to be the dreaded 'plan comptable'. I started that course last week - 7 hours of book-keeping every Friday, but I must have a warped mind, as it was quite enjoyable!