Death in the family - delicate situation

[reallydontknow]

Hi - long time lurker of the boards but first time poster, this has happened too late for me to really let it out to anyone else and I just hope I can get some answers/support here?

I'm 18 and have been at uni a month now, my mum's a single parent and I have been really worried about how she's coping on her own (lots of long/teary conversations already!) but up until now I know that her friends will be there for her.

Only a few hours ago I got a facebook message from someone who turned out to be my uncle asking for mums contact details as it was an emergency. I checked the name and details he'd given me with Mum on the phone and it turns out to be right. So my uncle rang my mum up, and has unfortunately passed on the news that their dad has died.

Mum has decided not to attend the funeral but will support and keep in touch with her brother if he needs that, mainly because her dad (and my granddad, but he left them long before I was born) was a very abusive man from what I've been told. Me and my mum are the black sheep of the family, I have never really known most of them except my gran and the man she remarried (who i knew as 'granddad'). Not even my gran talks to us now. I've only met a couple of my uncles when I was very young and don't remember them now.

With the news I don't know how mum is coping at home, I know she finds contact with her family really hard because of everything in the past. She has just moved into another village away from most of her friends and whilst I know they would support her all the way (it isnt a long journey), she doesn't like expressing this kind of stuff to anyone (not even me really).

I'm wondering if going home for a day or so to see how she is would be a good idea, or if i'm going to make it worse for her. I just don't want her sat upset on her own having to deal with sudden new contact with this family she's never felt welcome in and especially her dad dying when he was not a pleasant person towards her (understatement really). Is there anything I could do?

Sorry this is so long and probably doesnt make much sense but it's so fresh and I just don't know what I can do. I don't know how I feel about everything myself and I can't imagine how much harder it is for her.

I'm very sorry for your loss (in so many ways) and for that of your mother. When is the funeral? Would you be able to go with your mother, to support her? I'm not sure that taking time out of University is the best thing for you, right at the moment.

You sound lovely to be so concerned about your mum

I'm sure she'd love to have you visit for the day. Or how about contacting one or two of her friends and just asking if they could pop by or call? (as you say she might be unlikely to let them know she's feeling down - if indeed she is)

Oh god, I really feel for you in this situation.

Starting university is such an unsettled and crazy time in your life as it is. This is such bad timing and it's no wonder you feel confused and unsure what to do.

I'd suggest the best thing you can do is just be there for her to talk to on the end of the phone, and pop back for a visit when you can. From your post it sounds like you care about your mum very much so I'm sure you will help her deal with this, even from afar.

Thankyou for the responses all of you, it does mean a lot :)

I have told Mum if she changes her mind and decides to go to the funeral I will go with her for support, mainly because she wouldn't have anyone else except the family who she hasn't been a real part of for most of both our lives.

I think contacting her friends sounds good Falling, thankyou I didn't think of that - I know many of them would be great for her to talk to (another adult rather than me, IYSWIM?). They've all helped each other through very hard times in the past.

Mum would hate me to miss any of Uni i know - it's a big thing for her that i've got the opportunity - so I will have a better conversation with her tomorrow about everything to see how she's feeling and if she wants/needs me to come down I do have days off (arty subject!) and I'm not the other end of the country.

It's just such a shock when we've never heard anything about him since he left - didn't even know where he was living. Again ladies I really appreciate the advice :)

She should be really proud of having brought up up to be such a lovely person.

I second all the suggestions in this and I would make time to see her even if she stays resolute in not wanting to attend the funeral (and I can understand why she would).

Do send her little texts every day. My dd1 (13) does that, especially if she's away from home and I love it more than I can tell her. Just knowing that you are in the thoughts of your baby (as you all remain in your mother's eyes) is so comforting.

I wish you all the best at Uni. It's a great time that will open up so many doors for you.

I've talked to her today and she's really desperate that I don't leave Uni this week - we're going to arrange a visit up here instead so at least I will get to see how she is and talk things out in person over a nice dinner or something (was going to do this last week but schedule clashes all round) - she's used the 'don't fuss over me' thing so definitely keeping the stiff upper lip I expected.

I've asked that she keep in touch with who I know to be her closest friends and have rang a couple of them to ask if they've seen her today and to keep a lookout for her over the next few days whilst the arrangements and solicitor issues are sorted through, I found those bits to be the most painful when my grandma on the other side of the family died a few years ago.

Sending lots of texts just to keep her informed and make sure she's alright as you said buttonmoon - she does appreciate those. Obviously since this is the first time I've been living away from home it's very odd not being downstairs from her to give her a cuddle or just sit and watch telly together. We've been very close since I was about 15 and stopped being as much of a teenage pain.

Thankyou for all your best wishes again - it's really helping me sort everything out in my own head and means an awful lot at this time. :)

oh what terrible timing. My Dh and his mum have a similar relationhsip, his father died when he was very young, and given my DH's father fell out with all his family when he married my MIL (they asked him to chose, my DH's Father chose my MIL) whenever there is bad news or bad timing it is just DH and his mum.

I second what others have said here about getting her friends to rally round, spending time on the phone and texting, but one other thing DH tried to do especially when his mum is in one of her stiff upper lip moments is send something to cheer his mum up, flowers, a photo, anything unexpected really. It just gives his mum a lift to know that he is thinking of her. Perhaps worth a thought?

My DS has just gone away to uni, and it's tough seeing our little ones fly the nest - but it would be a lot tougher if you hadn't got this opportunity - so well done you - I know you're making your mum really proud.

You've done exactly the right thing - let her friends know, you're keeping in touch with her and making arrangements to get together that won't disturb your studies.

I hope my daughter would be as caring and thoughtful as you.

Get your mum to buy you a cuddly throw for your room, and when you fancy a cuddle, that'll be a stand-in until you see her again.