Genuine advice needed - please be kind

[eToTheiPi]

Have posted in AIBU and was flamed for being a doormat. Long story short, went away with dd for a few days incl going into hospital (am 39 weeks pg) and came home to kitchen a mess and no washing done.

Now I understand that this is all my fault for accepting things but wanted advice on how to change from being said doormat?

DH rarely does the "day to day" chores including food shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing etc, even when we were working full time with a dd. He expects to do even less now that I am on Maternity leave. He has aways bathed our dd as I wanted to give him a "job" that was his a)to bond with her and b) to give me 5 mins peace to cook tea.

We have been together 17 years and lived together for 12. I always feel that I've been a disappointment to my parents and to him - I'm not the most tidy but I do try, but sometimes when he leaves everything at his beam end it's hard to get motivated. I have found fly lady and try to keep my sink shiny!!!

I'm already teary and emotional but it is time to bring up with him what I'm feeling, my question is - how do I go about it? Please if you just want to call me a doormat again, don't. I know I'm lucky, some of the stories on here are horrific and although I've only joined MN recently I like the straight forward, no nonsense advice given.

Sorry for long post and thank you for reading.

Elephants that article is fantastic - they should be teaching it in school.

But how sad that many men still go around in the same way described by the writer in 1970. Are men becoming less liberated? Are women becoming less liberated? From my admittedly quite small group of female friends and acquaintances, it seems that most have problems or issues of this sort. Most just say that they couldn't be arsed fighting and arguing all the time about "why haven't the dishes been done" when they've already had a full day working/taking care of children. Arguing is emotionally draining, and I for one haven't got enough energy to be doing it on a daily basis.

Glad you like it Frog. It might be worth becoming a teacher just to bring that into the classroom! :o

I think in all honesty that things are changing but soo slowly because most men aren't going to correct this injustice themselves, and women are too tired half the time to do anything about it.

You can't make someone act like a decent adult, when it comes down to it. You can just try to choose the good ones, and refuse to put up with this crap.

What a great article. I have bookmarked it and am considering printing it to leave lying around carelessly......

Well we had the chat. I explained as calmly as I could my view, cue him snapping and talking over me so I walked away to calm down. Half an hour later I went back in and asked him to listen to me and not talk over me please.

I suggested that we shared, i.e. I will do all the shopping and laundry, he can do bins and grass and diy etc. Whoever cooks, the other clears away and cleans up kitchen. Then it's up to both of us to keep the house tidy and we will get a cleaner.

Feel alot better, hope this works! Keep fingers crossed and thank you all again

Well done for standing your ground.

What about tidying & bathroom stuff? I'm never quite sure how the men manage to bag once-or-twice-a-week jobs: bins, grass etc. And once-in-a-while jobs - DIY. While women get the daily grind: shopping, cooking, cleaning, tidying, toilet-cleaning, hoovering/sweeping.

Have you heard about the spare-time audit thing that someone on here (AnyFucker? SGB?) always advises?

You work out what your daily commitments are. So for DH at the moment it's work, plus commute, for you it's childcare I presume if your on ML. You work out the ratio of housework so that each person is left with the same amount of spare time at the end of the day. Not going to work for you atm because of needing more rest etc, but might be useful in the future esp when you're back at work.

" it's up to both of us to keep the house tidy " - who do you think will be doing this?

And who is doing the hoovering? (clue - not you)

I think you need to sort out every main job really, otherwise you KNOW it will default back to you.

I try to swish and swipe in the bathrooms, fly lady again so they aren't ever a problem and if we get the cleaner then hopefully that will lessen for me. I told him that although his job is exhausting, being at home all day with a demanding 3 year old and a baby is also exhausting - dd was on top form tonight for the hour he was here before bed so I think he can see this.

I've not heard of the spare time audit so would love to hear about that.

We both have to tidy - I am good at ensuring dd tidies after herself and have said no garage until dishwasher is on and stuff tidied away. We shall wait and see....

No idea what swish and swipe means but if it works for you then great :o

Sounds like you are taking back some self-esteem and assertiveness about this, which is great.

Love the no garage rule :)

How did he react to all this?

Surprisingly ok after the storming out, coming back calmly session. Don't feel stressed going to bed with a filthy kitchen it's tidy now and I do think having a cleaner in once a week or fortnight will make sure he's not ashamed by having an untidy house. Fingers crossed !

How's it working out now, eTo?

Not going to be remotely useful on the housework front, I'm just coming on to say I like your user name, e! Aren't you the 'most beautiful formula in mathematics', or something? Or are you just feeling a bit negative right now?

What is fly lady?

Sorry to post and run - been into hospital twice again but still nothing - very fed up and want baby here now!!

House is looking much cleaner - DH is trying harder although there's always more to be done, he's moaning less about being asked as well, bit much to hope he can see what needs doing but it's a start!

strawberry17 Fly Lady is an American (lovey dovey) web site to try and get you on top of your house, there's some sensible advice and never underestimate how good a shiny sink makes you feel!

Lancelottie that was my intention of the name - both meanings! However am feeling the negative one now!!!!

EvilAntsAndMiasmas thank you for asking about me on the other post - couldn't find this one so assumed it had gone!! Also thank you for the advice and for thinking of me x

Ah that's ok, eTo, I can't help worrying about the lady about to give birth still having to hassle her silly husband to pick up after himself!

Really hope the baby comes soon and best of luck with it all :)

Come back and let me know how it went :o

DH and i sat down and wrote out all the things we each did. 3 columns, one for him, one for me one for 'joint' tasks.

half way through the exercise, DH was already starting to get it. after all, when one column is like 3 times the freaking length of all the others, its pretty bloody clear that things had to change!

it was a good way to clearly illustrate the uneven distribution of tasks and took alot of the emotion out of it.

(disclaimer: i had already been on strike for over a month so i recon DH was pretty open to suggestions by then...this may not work for everyone!)

Am sorry to leave it so long,

Had DD2, 10 days late, 2 and a half days of labour (back to back so agony), epidural, induction drip, forceps which failed so another emcs under general anaesthetic... traumatic to say the least. Came back home after 2 days as hospital was so busy and understaffed. Very poorly for a while and only just about now back on my feet (ish).

Having alot of help from my mother who has been fab, and DH has really had to step up, sometimes even with a smile on his face! He has been brilliant with DD1 as it's a time of huge change for her and he's been nappy changing all the time before he went back to work as our changing table is upstairs so is easier for him to get on the floor than me!

Thank you again for your concern, especially ElephantsAndMiasmas