Toxic sister - can I tell you about it as I can't rant at her?

[bambinobambino]

I have a sister who hasn't spoken to me for nearly 5 years.

Brief background, she had always been the volatile one in the family (4 siblings), always flying off the handle and throwing tantrums, never apologised, never made amends as 'she was just saying how she felt and doesn't care what people think'

My father died about 12 years ago and after he died she went off on one a little over money, accused my mother of keeping some money that should have been meant for us. We obviously all backed Mum as it was her husband and therefore her money! But my sister said a lot of hurtful things to lots of people.

My mother died about 6 years ago. My sister (who never got on with my brother) caused major problems as my brother was executor and she refused to deal with him. Sent solicitors letters about him taking too much furniture etc etc. Relations broke down. She then found out that my mother had given my brother quite a large sum of money. Me and my other sister knew about it but Mum asked us not to tell her as she knew how she would react and couldn't face the inevitable scene.

My sister accused us all of stealing from her. I made an effort to keep in touch with her as I didn't want her to cut herself off from everyone.

When my first baby was born I told her about him. She phone and sent a card. However she found out when he was 5 weeks old that I had visited my other sister and not her. Actually my other sister had picked me up and taken me to her house (as I'd had a section) - I didn't tell her as they hadn't spoken for 2 years so didn't exactly think she'd pop round! She screamed and raged down the phone at me that I was fucking scum and that my parents would be ashamed of me. That we were all thieves etc etc.

Fast forward 5 years and I have moved back to my old home town. She drives past me occasionally but we have never spoken.

However, my brother was in a cafe on Saturday and, whilst he was at the counter, the waitress went over to the friend he was with.

It turns out the waitress was my niece, who is now 17. She hasn't seen my brother since she was 10. Apparently she told my brother's friend that he was not to be trusted, that he was a liar and a thief. When my brother returned to his table she called him a scumbag and flounced off.

I'm so angry about the whole thing. So angry that she can have such hatred towards all of us which is so unjustified (especially towards me and my sister), and that she can make her children feel such hatred, even though they now barely know us.

She doesn't keep in touch with any of my Mum and Dad's friends and is often rude to them. However, she will tell anyone that will listen that we all stole from her.

I've ranted on long enough now, I doubt you've got this far but thank you if you have!

I read it :)

Sounds like a very difficult situation :(, glad you were able to have a rant!

I have an aunt who is just like this. No advice to give except, ignore her and feel free to rant when you need it.

families - who needs them???

I feel for you. Was wondering if you were me until you got to the bit about what happened after your parents died.

My sister cut me off nine years ago, but at least I haven't had to contend with her bad-mouthing me to all and sundry (as far as I know).

I imagine people know her for what she is if she's constantly spilling over like this; you and your brother know you've done the right thing.

Thank you.

I feel better

I also read what you had to say........and i don't know what to say in reply.....it's so awful that a young girl should feel able to say these things about her uncle.....and you....maybe you can somehow let your neice know the truth about her family......by letter ...why is your brother the focus of her unhappiness

And she is a silly girl,to be ranting at a customer,......who may or may not be her Uncle.......she may well loose her job .....

Thanks Moral, she is a silly girl. I have thought that maybe things will change as they get older but, to be honest, I don't think they will.

If I'm honest, she has always been a spiteful child. It's not her fault, she has just always been brought up to believe that she is always right.

The best example I have to describe my sister is when my niece was in Year 1, she had a falling out with a friend on hers. My niece was quite an aggressive child and could be quite nasty to other children (her cousins for example) so I can see how it happened. Her friend's mother said something to her in the playground about how upset her daughter was by her behaviour. The situation escalated and my sister complained to the school (who told my sister that actually her daughter was often aggressive), then accused the school of bullying, sent the mother a solicitor's letter telling her not to approach my niece again, had a huge row with the mother in the playground and my niece moved school 6 months later and referred to her friends mother as 'that cow'

All her children have the same attitude.

I know I'm ranting now but I just want to shake her and tell her that the rest of the world cannot always be in the wrong.

I know no-one who knows us will believe her as everyone knows what she is like and most people have either had a run in with her or her husband at some point.

I just want my Mum and Dad to come back and give her a clip round the ear!

It's right what they say " Freinds are the family we choose for ourselves".

I may write that down and pin it to the fridge!

i think people will know the truth like someone has already said she prob does this outside the family ie kicking off and her slightly deranged outlook on life wil probably always bubble over.....as long as i can remember my sister was negative towards me (most polite term i could think of)a bit strange when i look back cos she was the golden child and i was a bit of a disappointment to my parents,didnt lie or cheat like the rest of the family oh and lets not forget our dad was proud of my sis cos she was popular with the men cos she is the female version of him,and both are married....mini rant over

bambino

You have my sympathies; your sister certainly sounds like a narcissist. They always think that they are right and everyone else around them is wrong and or not worthy of them.

Sorry that you have such a toxic sister.

Remember that she is like that with everyone so no one will believe any lies that she tells about you.

It gets worse (well not really).

Was talking to me (nice, normal) sister tonight and she said that what my niece actually told my brother's friend was that my Dad was dying of cancer and my brother took all of this money. .

Given that my Mum outlived him for 6 years, he would have had a job! My niece clearly believed all of this - it's just such a shame that my sister has filled them all so full of spite.

I feel better about it now though. Ranting on here has helped and actually, if she has to twist the truth so much to justify the situation to her own children then there really isn't much to be done.

She also rang my aunt (who is the only member of the family she still speaks to) and told her that they have so much money neither of them have to work and they don't know how to spend it all (they have lots of buy to let properties now). My aunt was so upset. She is nearly 70 and is still working as a cleaner. She has never had anything her whole life and has suffered with all manner of health problems.

See, I'm ranting again!

Your toxic sister sounds exactly like mine so I give you my heartfelt sympathies. Embrace the nice members of your family and leave her to her revel in her bitterness.