I think I've become too good at coping and have become in the process a bit of a crap friend?

[Janos]

So, I've had a bit of a crappy day - not earth shattering but not nice - and am feeling thoroughly sorry for myself (posted elsewhere about it, won't rehash).

Right now I am really feeling kind of lonely and this has got me thinking a bit, because there's no-one close by I could call that would just come round and be there.

I have a couple of good friends, people I have a laugh and a nice time with but no-one up here I am especially close to.

I'm kind of a quiet, self contained person and thinking about it all I have just got used to coping on my own, and have maybe gone a bit hermitty and antsocial and perhaps am guilty of pushing people away, without meaning to. I realised the other day, for example, I had forgotten the simple pleasure of a good night out!

I'm not miserable or depressed but...all this (just today)has made me think I need to do something, stop hiding away and being Ms self sufficient but what?

Even as I type I am thinking get a grip but the truth is I am scared stiff! Of what I don't know. How ridiculous, eh?

Not at all i know th\t i have withdrawn from people as i try to cope with things.

Hi Janos. I have had a crap day too. Sometimes you just have a day like that. Here's a big hug! Tomorrow will be better (actually it's Monday and I have to go to work, so probably not!).x

And, you know what, I really wouldn't blame anyone who read that back and thought 'what a load of self indulgent twaddle'!

I'm thinking it myself.

Ha ha very true SulkySullenDame.

My social life is so damn boring I actually look forward to work, how sad is that?

Not at all. We all do the 'what the fuck am i doing' thing now and again. Maybe you need to do something a bit different next week? New toddler group (if the kids are wee)? New sports centre for a swim?...

In fact i have also noticed that my posts have changed as well Heres to a better week next week!

Not that I ever swim

Not twaddle - or self-indulgent, where else are you going to think about this sort of stuff out loud?

I'm generally a coper - get on with things on my own, don't ask for much help outside my family.

I watch other people and they seem to be build/cement relationships by helping each other out, doing each other little favours. It's not something that comes easy to me.

I make offers to help, but am rarely taken up on them and I never seem to have enough friendship 'capital' in the bank to be able to ask for help myself.

Wish I knew how it all works for other people.

Thank you :)

I'm a bit limited getting out and about cos I'm an LP. DS has just started primary school and I work school hours.

Perhaps I need to get a bit better at asking people for help?

Thinking on, I also split up with someone a while back (think several months) and have just allowed myself to acknowledge that actually, I was very sad and hurt by what happened and I've been feeling that quite a bit recently too. A bit sort of 'Oops here comes an actual FEELING oh no push it away QUICK' kind of thing.

Now I am really waffling .

I am a bit like you describe - I am rubbish at asking for help. I think that when you have children it is easy to become so involved, its so difficult to make a life for yourself away from them.

It is important though I think. DH and I have agreed to try to have a child-free weekend once a year, we have so far managed 1 - and dd is nearly 3 - but it was fantastic to reconnect. I also aim for a night out with friends at least every couple of months - has actually been about a year now, because my youngest is 10 weeks and pregnancy just floors me.. but I intend to start getting out there soon, is worth the effort.

Is there anyone you can call - I phoned a good friend who I see very rarely yesterday, made me remember I do have friends, even if I dont' get to see them often and they can't just pop round they are there, was nice.

Don't know if any of that helps?

Yes piprabbit that makes sense to me. I feel like that too.

I hate to impose and could not bear it if people thought I was being needy or demanding.

I am not good at reaching out.

Yes, wonderstuff it does, thank you.

I think of myself as being self sufficient and independent minded. But I wonder if that comes over to others as stand offish and uninterested?

So what do you want to change? What help would be really nice?

Have been there Janos. Was on my own for years with dd1. I managed fine on my own, never asking anyone for help, but sometimes really resented being the only one. When my dd started primary (she's now in 2nd year in high school which i think is year 8?) I was the youngest Mum in the playground and I felt so isolated and shy (was 23). I went back to uni while working p.t., met loads of friends and eventually got the job I waned. Taht was the period in my life where I took control and steered my life in the direction I wanted it to go in...

What do I want to change, wonderstuff, good question!

I feel I have become stuck in a rut and need to change but not sure how to do that.

What help do I need? Again, I am not sure.

I really do need to think properly about this.

Sulky, you make a very good point too. I am just plodding along atm.

I need to do more.

You have made a start by posting tonight! I'm off to bed, but good luck... x

Thank you Sulky. I need to get some sleep too.

Thank you everyone, lots of food for thought (but not just thinking, doing as well!)