Parental responsibility/court/access...aaarrgghhhh!!!

[worriedwendy10]

Hi, long story short... suffered domestic violence from the ex, he didn't see the kids for a bit then started up again. Changed his mind for a bit then wanted to see them again, blah blah. This went on for a few months then his true colours come out so i stopped him again. Went to mediation and agreed on 1x weekly visits, its now been 3 months he's been seeing them again and i got a text message saying his current girlfriend had "smashed his face in" (his words not mine) so he didn't want the kids to see him. When i asked why he said "she was bladdered and went psycho" of course he did nothing to her!! I told him she was to have no contact with the kids while they see him, if they want a violent relationship thats their call but i'm not subjecting the kids to that especially when thats why i got away from him. He kicked off then few days later said they'd split up. The kids were with him today and my daughter told me his girlfriend was there and they spent the whole day together!! I now want to go to court, he has no respect for my wishes or knows what is in the best interests of the kids and i'd rather die than let my kids witness any sort of aftermath of their twisted relationship. Do i take him to court or does he take me? Does the maintenance stop if he has no contact? How much does all this cost?
Thankfully he doesn't know where i live (cos of DV history) and i can easily change my mobile so the nasty texts and phone calls won't happen again, just want whats best for my babies but not too sure about all the legal stuff. HELP!!!

prh47bridge I'm following this thread as its kind of similar to my situation. Would the courts really allow unsupervised access if there is drug use involved too?

Sorry your going through this Wendy, I understand how hard it is when you want to protect your kids but seem powerless to do so!

dizietsma , not baggage, personal experince of courts, contact and violence. There is little point in telling the op it's all going to go the way she wants it to, that woman's aid and the lawyers can fix it, it sadly doesn't work that way, it is meant to be what is best for the children, and the ocurts decide that, not the mother. Bizarre I know.

Do find some manners, there's a love.

freedomfrom - It is difficult to predict the courts but in broad terms it depends on whether the drug usage is seen as a threat to the children's safety. Where drugs are involved the court may order drugs testing in conjunction with either supervised or unsupervised contact.

Talking generally rather than about the specifics of this case, it also depends on the evidence that drug abuse is actually taking place. It is not unknown for parents to try to manipulate the courts by making false allegations of drug abuse.

I agree with dizietsma, I wouldn't have put it quite as harshly but the OP sounds very worried and concerned, I do certainly think your posts aren't phrased very senstively or kindly to someone who is deeply worried, even to me they seem almost attacking when you begun them yesterday. Your posts are likely to dash any hope she had and make her feel hopeless in an already difficult situation. She needs good advice that is realistic but it does need to be sympathetic and phrased sensitively. She has been through such a difficult time, I do think she deserves that much. Your posts do seem to be based on one situation you have seen that wasn't ideal but it was also very different from the OPs, she threatened to kill herself and the children by driving into a tree for starters.

I certainly wasn't trying to make the OP feel that everything would go the way she feels, I only wanted to direct her to people who could help and also refer her to a good solicitor. But your posts have clearly upset the OP and I think more sensitivity is required in such a painful situation. I'm not saying we should all pretend it will go the way she wants, just more consideration. Anyway I do not want to hi-jack the thread or stop the OP from receiving the advice she needs so I will leave it there.

Wendy I hope you're ok today and you come back to this thread again later.

thanks prh47bridge would they also take into account the affect those drugs were having on a persons mental state, even if they didnt smoke around the DC (in my XP case its weed use daily for 20 years, and cases of paranoia, Emotional Abuse etc so similar to OP) or would it all be a matter of getting evidence?

Sorry wendy for hijaking, but hope these questions may help you too with your situation!

freedomfrom - Mental state would certainly be looked at when considering if the drug usage threatened the children's safety. So paranoia, for example, may justify supervised contact. But it would be a matter of getting evidence to show that drug abuse is going on and that it is having an adverse effect on the parent's mental state which may place the children in danger.

It is unfortunate for parents who have genuine concerns that so many make false allegations. The courts therefore have to treat allegations with a certain amount of caution. They can't afford to ignore such allegations and they don't need absolute proof, but they generally won't order supervision, drugs tests or whatever on the say so of one parent.

Thanks prh47bridge I have quite a few emails referring to 'smoking' and a few text where you can see strange mental beliefs - paranoia so hope that will be enough for them to look into it at least.

OP let us know how you get on with this all!

Hi Ladies, thank you so much for all your advice (most of it helpful, some of it upsetting). Just wanted to say i've taken advice and although it wasn't what i wanted to hear its all good. Its not nice to hear i can't protect my babies from any issues that may be taking place elsewhere but the good thing is that he has minimum contact, so hopefully they won't witness anything they shouldn't. Stupid to think i can wrap them up in cotton wool i suppose, unfortunately its a bad world out there and apart from keeping them locked up with me, there's not much i can do. Thank you again for your support x

Glad to hear you're ok Wendy and did get some good advice

It's teaandcakeplease here.