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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling low

27 replies

Amberredsky · 10/10/2010 17:22

Dh left just over a week ago and I'm really missing him today . Its common knowledge but loads of my friends haven't bothered to get in touch and my family live a long way away. I've been really strong up til now but today I'm really struggling and I've been calling friends to try to take my mind off it but no one is answering their phone. I feel so lonely and can't face going out.

Sorry it wasn't really a question, feel free to ignore!

OP posts:

BigOfNorks · 10/10/2010 17:31

Aww very for you is it a permanent split or a holiday?

Lolass · 10/10/2010 17:41

Really,really feel for you.

Original poster

Amberredsky · 10/10/2010 17:42

Its permanent

OP posts:

BigOfNorks · 10/10/2010 17:44

I am really sorry I guess your friends are staying away because they think you need time . Maybe send a txt saying I am feeling really sad at the minute and would really like some company so they know you do need them.

Tippychoocks · 10/10/2010 17:44

. I have found out a fair bit about a few friends since ExH moved out too.
MN to stop yourself feeling lonely and think about how to make yourself happy again. Did you instigate the split or did he/

Original poster

Amberredsky · 10/10/2010 18:18

I instigated it, he was/is having an affair. I've text a few friends just saying hi and asking if they want to come and see dd (shes 8mo) but had no replies. I'm worried about just coming out and saying I need some company as that sounds quite needy.

OP posts:

BigOfNorks · 10/10/2010 18:23

I am really sorry if you were any one of my friends I would have descended with ice cream and chocolate by now. You also should not be worried about being needy you are entitled to feel needy.

Tippychoocks · 10/10/2010 18:27

I felt this way and was also at the number of friends who I'd supported through similar and who were willing to hear the gory details but then less bothered about following up and seeing how I was the following week.
I'm sorry I have no advice beyond the usual to plan ways of getting out and about - easier said than done as a LP I know. It does get better though.

teaandcakeplease · 10/10/2010 19:37

I'm so sorry to hear that Tippy is right, good advice. I've spent vast amounts of time on mumsnet since I separated and found a lovely thread of women who have been ditched and found it a huge support, it saved my sanity. I too have found certain friends have dropped away when I thought they'd do the complete opposite sending you a huge ((hug)). We're all here if you want to talk. I do agree with texting to say can you arrange a time for coffee/ tea/ cake or whatever floats your boat Try and keep yourself busy where possible by going to Sure Start centre events and mums and toddler groups in the day as well as trying to pin people down for a coffee. It does get better x

LadyButterfly · 10/10/2010 20:23

Do ask for what you need because often people just dont know how to help. I was rubbish at asking for myself when my marriage hit the rocks but just having a few events organised was a huge help especially at the weekends. Simple things to break up the time alone were great. It's OK to be needy!

Original poster

Amberredsky · 10/10/2010 20:54

Thanks everyone, I've text a few friends asking if they want to meet tomorrow, no reply yet but fingers crossed! I really hope someone gets back to me, I don't even really want to talk about it just can't face another lonely day.

OP posts:

teaandcakeplease · 10/10/2010 21:01

Yes human contact, a friendly face can make all the difference. I'm a lone parent with a 3 yr old and 21 month old and been separated for almost a year. It's so important to see people, get out and about and keep busy. Fingers crossed someone replies.

Have you looked into the local events as your sure start centre, we have some great stuff round here and the mums and tots groups are nice too. They usually have a baby corner with play nests and baby gyms and you can chat and have a well earned cuppa. Sometimes it's hard to motivate yourself to get there but once out, I was always glad I'd done it.

Original poster

Amberredsky · 10/10/2010 21:18

I do go to baby groups but I'm quite shy and don't normally talk to anyone . I am trying hard to overcome that but its hard to motivate myself when I feel so down

OP posts:

teaandcakeplease · 10/10/2010 21:58

I can imagine I've enjoyed lots of walks in parks/ woods for fresh air and to clear my head and get out and of course the playground. Even though the only thing they can go on when very young is a toddler swing with gentle pushes, it all helped me a little.

It is very hard in the early days, come and join the thread I'm on, I linked to it earlier. You'd be very welcome x

eToTheiPi · 11/10/2010 00:43

Amberredsky, I remember how hard it was to meet people at baby groups and I gave up to be honest. Is there anything you would enjoy doing with her such as baby signing or singing groups, i.e. one's with more structure and less cliqueness(is that a word?)

Have you one special friend or relative in rl that you can talk to? Your Mum perhaps? Go and stay and be treated nicely, can i recommend hot chocolate and hob nobs?

It's a horrid time, I do feel for you x

jinx1 · 11/10/2010 01:00

i'm sorry to hear your friends seem to be lacking maybe they're just unsure what to say rather than unkind. my life is a bit up in the air at the moment and my friends seem to have done one but i'm lucky, my family have been brilliant, lots of coffee and biscuits and just generaly there when i need them. hugs x x

Rachyandmeg · 11/10/2010 01:38

Hi Amber,

You sound lovely. I hope you do feel better soon.
Its understandable that you find it hard to talk to people at the baby group when you are feeling so down about the split. Its normal. Break Ups knock your confidence. You will feel confident and happy again soon. It will just take time.

I hope you friends get back to you soon.

Original poster

Amberredsky · 11/10/2010 10:59

No reply so far, it looks like its just me and dd again today . eToTheiPi I'm really not that close to my mum, I see her maybe twice a year. I had a great relationship with my ils but they have obviously taken exs side. I think the saying about finding out who your real friends are is so true, these people who won't even reply to my texts are the ones I was there for when they needed a friend.

I'm going to take dd to the park when she wakes up and tomorrow I'll be brave and talk to someone at baby group x

OP posts:

teaandcakeplease · 11/10/2010 11:07

I'm so sorry to hear that

Where do you live? Anywhere near me? I'd meet you for a coffee anytime, there maybe some local mumsnetters to you x

Birdistheword · 11/10/2010 11:10

Aww Amber, whereabouts are you? Hope you have a good day today.

eToTheiPi · 11/10/2010 12:07

Amber if you were close I would also meet you anytime, I have the same ishoos with so called friends that take but don't give.

Any neighbours that are kind?

Hope things improve xxx

Tippychoocks · 11/10/2010 17:44

You can come to tea with me if you live in the South West. Or if you don't but then it may be a bit of a commute

Mindovermatter · 11/10/2010 20:34

Is there a Surestart group near you? childrens Centre etc? How old is your child? Could you go swimming together perhaps?

Doigthebountyeater · 11/10/2010 20:46

Amber, I got ditched by my 2 best friends a month after my DP of ten years walked out on me. They had both met men and couldn't be bothered with whining old me when there was fun to be had. They had been mu constant companions from schooldays. It was the worst thing that could have happened to me as I was also estranged from my parents. In fact I tried to kill myself as I just couldn't see the point in going on. Four years later I'd made a whole circle of proper kind friends (through a big effort) and met DH whom I love. Fuck em. You are better than they are!

teaandcakeplease · 12/10/2010 08:31

I'm having to establish a new network a friends and contacts for this new life. I was amazed and relieved to read recently that most people lose 80% of their network of friends after divorce. This was from a book published in 2004. In a way I was relieved as it happened to me. They simply drifted away, some of them do still talk to me from time to time but things just aren't like they used to be ((hugs)) Amber hope you're ok?

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