Separation/divorce at right side of 60??

[stupidsostupid]

stupidsoFirst time here. Have been following other threads over last couple of weeks - reading advice/support - and realise I need not be as alone as I feel in my troubled despair. Peculiar telling strangers what has happened and asking for your thoughts. but here goes. Am I too old at 58 to be a netter?
Will try not to rattle on like an old woman and be brief.

Married young 37 years ago. We were each others "firsts" - aah how sweet maybe silly, some might say. But thats the way it was. A few years later we both strayed busy lives busy jobs office temptations. We survived and I certainly understood the heartbreak I had caused him and he me.
Life was good. Happy. We have a lovely almost grown up family. Six months ago
having had worries/niggles/wonderings growing for a year before that, finally acknowledged the unthinkable and decided to stop being the ostrich.

His first reaction was fury - at being found out (the common way of bills - hotels/restaurants etc). Then to minimise ("but it didn't mean anything). Then to attack -harking back to events long ago well pre-children.
All these months down the line he is reluctant to talk. Every day my stomach has a huge knot all day, sleep is difficult and weight has dropped off to the extent I'm now underweight.

I suppose my question is do I stay - or go through what would be a hugely complicated separation. How long has it taken anyone else out there to get beyond the overwhelming
sadness of realising your marriage has been (that's the way it seems) a sham. For this has happened at least once before that I knew abouit and 3 or 4 times besides he tells me. Things are at the moment polite and friendly. But I cant face intimacy realising that I am not his No 1 and it would seem to me never have been,and that he has had his hands inside someone elses knickers. I can't rid my mind that he will be comparing me to someone else. How to move oon? Feel like a hopeless whingebag. Thanks or reading this wandering script. Any ideas

Going to be blunt.
You said above that you both strayed.
You had an affair(s) too?

If so, why are you reacting like this to his?

I cannot see the logic to your post.

Your divorce would surely be no more messy or complicated than anyone's- sell house, divide assets, you support yourself with or without support from him.

You are not too old- people get divorced in theri 50s, 60s and older.

Have you considered Relate for either yourself or both of you as a couple?
it does sound as if too many emotions have been ignored for a good many years, and that you both need to talk with a 3rd party to help you.

No one can possibly tell you if you should leave him or not. That is up to you. What you need to find out is whether your marriage is a sham after all, or if you have both been guilty of playing the same game for a long time and now you have decided you don't want to play any more.

Op - I have no personal experience but this is similar to my parents in some respects.

df was a serial womaniser - a great dad - a loving husband in many ways but a serial womaniser.

My dm buried her head in the sand but the difference was she got increasingl bitter as my df got increasingly less careful (I found out about a couple).

They divorced at 55 years old - it was very very hard for my mother (from a culture where divorce is a no no). Also very hard for my father as he'd got another woman pregnant and it forced the issue. Very hard 5 years but I have to say that my dm (now in her 70's) very happy and with a long term partner. DF less so I guess at the that age having a teen daughter and all that goes with it.

If you need to live a lie live it but if you seperate it's happier in the long term.

No matter what you did when you were younger - he did it too. But your relationship has changed where you feel fidelity is more important now and unless both of you feel it is it's a non runner. Serial adulterers are unlikely to change. You either accept this or you make moves to move on and have the life you want.

Only you know if your marriage is/was a sham. You haven't said anything specific that says it was.

What does he want?

Do you think he left evidence around so you could find and so force the issue? men often do, even if sub-consciously.

Similarly, have you colluded with his behaviour by turning a blind eye so that he thought you did know, but were prepared to live with it?

The underlying question is why does he choose to have affairs? Has he low self-esteem? Does he love the thrill of a chase? Has this happened due to some mid-life crisis now that he is older and his kids have left home?

He needs to do some soul searching to understand why he does this.

I odn't think you should be held back from splitting due to your age. I have several friends who have been left, or left, long marriages in their 50s- 50+ is not old these days.

On a positive note, you both got over earlier affairs so have you both the will and the love to do so again?

Thanks. thanks. Really been of help. going to be positive and stop wallowing! whichever way things go all will be well. seems to be 2 seps forward and 1 back - guess first post was rattled off during a 2 steps back stage! much appreciated your comments. Can't men be little buggers!! x

So what are you going to do next?

Being positive is fine but you need to have some kind of plan.