My mental struggle with my past has returned...

[Temper2010]

Hi, I have name changed for this as this is really quite difficult for me to post about. Its the first time I have ever felt like I needed to get some of this information off my chest but I feel like its holding me back and could even ruin my current relationship if I don't blurt it all out. I have been supported on other threads for different reasons before so thought this might be the best place to start. Forigve me.....

I was badly bullied at Primary School from day 1 by the headmasters son. I went to a small village school and was only 4/5 at the time but remember some of it like it was yesterday.

The headmasters son was about 10 years old and they lived across the road from us too. So not only did I get it at School I got it at home too. This was back in the 80's, we lived in a very small village and it was 'very safe' area - all the village kids would be in and out of each others houses and it was meant to be idyllic. He would turn the other children in our village against me, they thought it was fun to taunt me and generally be horrible, they would alienate me and I would run away crying cos no-one wanted to play with me. The thing is when he wasn't around all the other kids loved me to bits. My parents new he was bullying me cos I would tell them and they would go into school and they were even pretty good friends with his parents but nothing ever really seemed to change.

I have never ever ever ever told anyone else what you are about to read (not even my parents) but when none of the other kids were about he used to touch me and I would let him cos it was the only time he was ever nice to me. He would ask me to get into his bed and tell me we were going to play a game and I just had to stay sill. So i did. In hindsight I think this was my way of trying to get him to accept me, all I wanted was him to be nice to me!!!

No-one ever found out cos he would frighten me that much that I thought if I told anyone he would get really really mad and bully me even more and the others would hate me even more.

I think this went on for about a year. Its always been there in the back of my mind. I know it was wrong but I try to justify it to myself by saying that although what he was doing to me was wrong it couldn't possibly be abuse cos he was only 10. How could a 10 year old know what they were doing? Was it abuse? Am I making excuses for him just to make myself feel better? Whatever it was/is I know this affected me badly.

At 6 years old we moved away to another country (within the UK). I started a new school and desperatley hoped that the bullying had ended. The trouble was that with my accent some of the other kids found it difficult to understand me and this made me stand out like a sore thumb, and the bullying continued......

I'd tell my parents they'd go into school and then I'd have a good couple of weeks when the bully's left me alone for fear of getting in trouble and then it would all start again...

I soon found my feet tho, I deliberately chose to speak like the other kids to try and get them to accept me and the bullying wasn't as frequent (althought still there). I'd take the wallflowers and any new starters under my wing - I was determined that no-one was going to go through what I went through. I stuck up for them and showed them the ropes. I was a good bright child and always had a sparkling report, a teachers pet with an edge.

The last year of primary school was a strange one, my regular techer (my rock) was on maternity leave and we were all really loking forward to seeing who our teacher would be replaced with. I was a little worried as my teacher had been my best supporter. We were shocked to find out that it would be our deputy head. This woman had been the one of the people who really looked after me when I first started, she was aware of the bullying and how much of a tough time I had integrating with the other kids and I was excited cos she new me and how I was. I was delighted.

The delight lasted all of about 2 weeks. I struggled alot with Maths and would always need a bit of extra tuition and given a bit more time I would 'get it' eventually. Our deputy head would get very impatient with me and started to make an example of me in front of the whole class. It started with drawing attention to me and what it was I got wrong and getting the class to show me how to do it right (fair enough) but it snow balled out of control. She would make me stand on a table when I got something wrong and shout at me, she'd then ask the other children to ignore me (in between their taunts and sniggers and her sniggers ant their taunts) then at afternoon break I would have to clean the classroom while the other children played. I told my parents, they went mad and came into school. They were told that I made the whole thing up. It wasn't until another teacher witnessed the whole thing that they realised I was telling the truth. The deputy head was suspended and eventually handed in her notice.

As far as I can remember my anger never surfaced at school but it did with my siblings. When we were much younger arguments always ended with me really hurting someone and getting into loads of trouble with mum and dad. It was like I couldn't think of anything other than hurting the person I was falling out with. Like that redmist poeple talk about. I'd scratch, punch, kick I even held a knife to my sister once, she was only 5 at the time. I'm filled with so much sadness that I ever tried to hurt my brothers and sisters. I love them so much.

So high school came around and here I had afantastic time. I was a straight A's student, was pretty, popular had loads of friends and I never thought about any of the stuff that happened to me in the past.

At home I was a mess, always falling out with mum and dad and brothers and sister. At night I coudln't top my mind from going back to being 4 and 5 and seeing that boy. I was a different person at home, I was darker, more troubled and I blamed my parents for everything yet I never told them anything!

Upon starting college all of this anger seemed to disperse, I grew creatively, found my feet and was loking forward to the future. I told myself that what happened happened and buried it away.

Now 10 years on I'm in a different place. I have a gorgeous loving partner and we have been together for over 4 years, I have a fantastic university education to look back on and things were going great. Until we lost our baby back in June. I was 20 weeks.

My partner is so supportive and we really want to try again but since June I have struggled with my anger, I can't stop thinking about my 'secret' childhood. When we fall out that redmist comes back. I hit him the other week so hard that he stumbled backwards and I coldn't believe what I had done - everything flooded back. I don't want this to get out of control and I know I have to talk about things but I can't cos this has been my secret for so long......

I can't believe I hit him - all I wanted to do was hurt him and I'm scared that its going to get out of control. All he's ever done is love me. What do I do?

Show him this email. Then he will understand without you having to go through it all over again.
I was abused when I was little and I have "issues" with feeling cornered or my husband smothering me (by that I mean hugging me not trying to suffocate me!) it comes out of the blue but if it is in a row I push him away. It is feeling out of control/ controlled and is something he needs to be aware of.
I think telling him what happened would ease your anger. As you say, you are a different person now but it is still a weight on your shoulders beacuse you havent told him.
What happened was not your fault. The bullying and the teacher bulying you sound horrific (I imagine ecause the teaher handed in her notice you did not get to "finish" the situation in any way) you were abused. He did know what he was doing. See how you feel after talking to your dp but you might need to go and see a proffesional for them to tell you ways to manage and move on from what happened.
I'm so sorry this happened, and that you lost your baby but your dp sounds brilliant so do talk to him.
Stay strong beause you are strong.
x

I am very sorry for what happened when you were a child. I agree that if possible, you should tell your partner what happened, or if that seems too difficult, how about telling him you had a tough childhood and that you are going to see a counsellor about it, and that you may be able to tell him what happened later on? If this is too difficult as well, perhaps just tell him you have anger issues and will see a counsellor.

The most important thing is to apologise for hitting him, tell him you never want it to happen again, and that you are going to see a counsellor to ensure that it doesn't. He needs to see how sorry you are and how committed you are to making sure it NEVER happens again.

Best of luck in working through this. I am sorry again for what you have been through.

Thank you for your advice amummy and nbyet - at the moment I feel like I'm going to open a whole new can of worms telling DP all about this......I need to think about it some more. Its been a relief just psting on here though I must admit. x

Sorry - changed my name back to what it normally is on here - don't see the point in hiding anymore!!

Hi StormBird

I'm not surprised you ended up angry, angry at your parents, as kids we often think that everything will be okay when the adults take charge, but of course, that doesn't always happen.

I just wanted to say that I was abused by an 11 year old, when I was 8, and it is quite astounding the number of people who think that because of the age of the abuser, it 'doesn't count as abuse.' So the things someone does only become damaging to others after they have had their 16th / 18th birthday? What crap.

And it sounds like your deputy head gone bad found out that power over another person, one who was used to and perhaps more accepting / expecting of abuse, was too tempting to pass up. People like to see how far their power goes, what lines they can cross.

Tell your other half. Don't let it be a secret anymore. You are not alone. Reading your OP I was right there with you. You need to get rid of the shame and anger that have been hurting you. PM me if you like, best of luck XXXXX

I'm very sorry you suffered all that as little girl :( You handled it all very well: taking care of the other targetted children; confiding in your parents; refusing to be cowed by the deputy head; adopting the local accent. You really were a strong and capable child, with very healthy sense of justice and great self-respect. Give your young self a high five!

Here's what I think. Despite your excellent coping strategies, adults kept letting you down - your primary school headmaster, the deputy head and perhaps others. It was unjust and unfair, no question. You turned to your parents and, despite their good efforts, they proved almost as powerless as you. This, to a child, would have seemed the ultimate injustice. Maybe you stopped telling them stuff because you felt they were, in effect, useless when it came to protecting you.

So, clearly, it's perfectly natural that you may have grown up with a powerful sense of impotent anger. Very horrid for you! It must be a source of background stress in your life. How you choose to deal with it depends on you and what feels right. Your opening post is so clearly & fluently written, it seems this is the right time for you to pull it all out of its box and examine it. I'd start with showing it to your DP :)

What that boy did to you was sexual abuse, because it was secretive and manipulative. Healthy sexual exploration games take place between children of similar ages, in private but not in secret, without coercion. He used physical & social power to get you to do what he wanted - that's the definition of the word 'abuse'. He was a bully and sexually exploitative (I bet he still is). You don't need to feel shame for the child you were: sympathy would be more appropriate :)