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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can't and WONT live like this anymore........

28 replies

iliketosleep · 10/10/2010 12:17

Long story short, DH started a job 6 weeks ago working 10pm-6am. Was supposed to be mon-fri but he has barely had a day off since he started. He was off last night and even though he hasn't been asked to go in tonight he is going anyway because "Its boring here". I have near enough begged him to not go in tonight but he told me he is going in. We haven't had sex for over 6 weeks either :(

Is this my life now? I sit every night on my own, go to bed on my own, wake up on my own and spend everyday up until 5pm on my own. I feel like a single parent and its shite :(

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Original poster

iliketosleep · 10/10/2010 12:19

Oh and we have 4dc who miss him too! Obviously not enough incentive still......

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LynetteScavo · 10/10/2010 12:20

But the bills are being paid aren't they. He's working his butt off to provide for you guys.

Ask him nicely to look for something else. Explain you can't go on like this.

Original poster

iliketosleep · 10/10/2010 12:32

Just about...he works in a factory, so isn't that good pay!

I'm more pee'd off that he says it's boring here when he has one night off from work and one day off from sleeping all day. How does he think I feel?

I know I can't knock him for working, but working overtime voluntarily because his family 'bores' him is a bit bastardish I think.

I just really feel like shit and am sick of being on my own.

He woke up an hour ago and went straight out to take his brother somewhere over an hour away so god knows what time he will be back. He did the same yesterday also as his brother is looking for a car. When he got back last night he sat and watched the x factor completely ignoring me. He even phoned me while he was out to discuss a screw up with his wages. Then when I said we will talk about it when he gets home as I was trying to get DC to bed he took offence. I brought it up when he got home and he snapped that he didn't want to talk about it anymore.

I am seriously contemplating a split. This is after just 6 weeks at the job. I can't imagine another 6 weeks the same :(

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Original poster

iliketosleep · 10/10/2010 12:33

Apart from last night his last night off was 10 days ago..:(

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TrappedinSuburbia · 10/10/2010 15:03

You need to tell him that you are thinking about splitting due to the current situation, do you normally go as long between sex?

nameymcnamechange · 10/10/2010 15:07

I really don't think you should split up if you have only been pissed off for 6 weeks!

If we all did that there would be no life-long partnerships anywhere in the world.

Thats the domain of Jeremy Kyle viewers and/or young teenagers.

Mumcentreplus · 10/10/2010 15:38

Dont split...just talk to him tell him exactly how you feel..like you have told us

I have been in your position before my DH used to work nights in clubs and be away at least 5 days a week in Bournemouth..and when he was home he was sleeping ..I was dying inside ..trying to hold on, trying to be perfect and not point out how i was feeling so we wouldn't have an arguement during the little time we spent together...

I had to tell him how I was feeling..like a one parent family...lonely and ..

he really didn't fully realise the extent of my despair till I told him.

I would have been upset too if he would rather go to work than stay home because it boring

Original poster

iliketosleep · 10/10/2010 15:43

No not normally, but as we haven't seen each other that much over the last few weeks its been impossible.

I know it's only been 6 weeks but I can't imagine me feeling any better about it as time goes on.

I can see m whole marriage crumbling before my eyes, no intimacy, barely any communication...

I'm not pissed off that he has a job by any means if thats how it's coming across. His original hours were 37.5 per week mon-fri, 10-6. those suited me just fine as we could have family time during the weekend but thats gone down the pan.

He told me this afternoon (after another moaning session ) that if he didn't work weekends and wasn't asleep all day then he would find somewhere to go during the weekends so that he wasn't bored. He meant him not us :(

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Original poster

iliketosleep · 10/10/2010 15:44

Oh i've told him.....he doesn't care :(

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Mumcentreplus · 10/10/2010 16:36

Have you told him how it feels when he says his own family is boring?

why cant you all go out as a family?

Do you have anyone you are happy to leave your DC with so you can go out together?

Have you asked him why he's acting this way?

IWantWine · 10/10/2010 16:44

May be I am very cynical, but are you sure he is at work when he says he is?

Original poster

iliketosleep · 10/10/2010 17:19

Iwantwine - His wage slips have the number of hours he has worked on so its unlikely although I have thought it myself!

Mumcenterplus - I've said it all and he doesn't want to know. He can be very selfish sometimes and now because he is the main earner I am expected to shut up and worship him. He hasn't said that but it's what it boils down to. He constantly says "I'll quit the job then and we can live on the dole again". It seems to be a case of all or nothing, he either works whenever he likes (around the 10 day solid mark) or doesn't work at all. When I mention that I can't be in a marriage like this he says "don't be then" :(

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marantha · 10/10/2010 17:30

I know you are fed up but perhaps if he has been out of work for a period he is frightened of not working again- a possibility?
Also, working nights does strange things to a person's brain and sleeping patterns.

Don't knock the guy for working hard to support you all.
I wouldn't advise anybody to leave marriage for reasons you describe here.
Try to resolve things with him.
I am not knocking single mothers who have escaped shitty relationships because of abuse and other horrific things, but to become a single mother over your problem is a bit daft.
Try to resolve this- a lot of people who have experienced unemployment are absolutely terrified of not working again and can become compulsive about it.

marantha · 10/10/2010 17:49

Compulsive about working, that is.

GeekOfTheWeek · 10/10/2010 19:18

Tbh it sounds like he doesn't want to be with you.

Sorry op but his behaviour towards you is cold and unloving.

Makes me wonder why.

teaandcakeplease · 10/10/2010 19:26

Is he depressed? He seems so negative? Was he always like this?

I agree that you should at least look into counseling first or talking things through together at a quiet time without the children over a glass of wine or something. Could you arrange to have lunch out somewhere and GPs look after DCs for some time together? Or book a weekend away together without DCs?

CheeseandGherkins · 10/10/2010 19:29

I agree that he doesn't sound like he wants to be with you. He doesn't appear to care that you're unhappy or that he's hurting you. He seems cold and like he doesn't want to be or spend time with you at all. I think he's the one that would need to make effort here, no point you trying when he isn't responding at all.

Original poster

iliketosleep · 10/10/2010 19:31

Thanks for the boost of confidence GeekOfTheWeek It sounds alot worse than it is, when he strops he can be evil. Things have been great this afternoon and he isn't going in tonight woohoo, which makes me feel like a shit for the way i've been talking about him, but I know I will be back to square one tomorrow :(

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GeekOfTheWeek · 10/10/2010 19:43

I presumed you hadn't posted for a boost of confidence.

I posted my opinion in direct reply to your op. I wasn't trying to be mean.

Would you prefer me to lie next time. You know, for you confidence

HecateQueenOfWitches · 10/10/2010 19:48

But that's how it reads, ILTS. GOTW wasn't trying to hurt you. It reads like he wants out. Isn't it better that you face that possibility and talk it out with him than bury your head in the sand?

"You seem like you are unhappy and don't want to spend any time with me. Do you want us to split?"

Perhaps just saying it bluntly to him might make him think about what is going on with him and what he wants.

Both of you being miserable can't go on forever, can it? You have to do something about it.

If he is confronted with the reality, with the possibility of a split and it's really not what he wants, he will work with you, won't he?

perfumedlife · 10/10/2010 19:51

I'm afraid the first think I thought was there was a woman, at work, on the same shift. I can't think why else he works when he doesn't need to, and considers your company boring.

I did some work for a factory years ago and it was a common occurance.

Sorry. Not much help. He cannot expect you to carry on accepting this attitude though.

lostinafrica · 10/10/2010 19:52

My DH has had periods a little like this, coinciding with times when we're not spending enough time together.

If you can't persuade him to spend time with the family or with just you, then try to show him what he's missing.

I get a sudden show of interest if I get all dolled up for a night out with friends or go out somewhere with the dcs at the weekend - suddenly he feels he's missing out on something.

Worth a try? Not sure if that sounds rather a trite suggestion...

lostinafrica · 10/10/2010 19:53

Ouch, x post and certainly does sound trite after pl's post. Sorry.

perfumedlife · 10/10/2010 19:54

thing, sorry, not think.

Original poster

iliketosleep · 10/10/2010 21:19

Defensive mode.....sorry

As you were.

I'm sure if there is anything suspicious going on I will find out soon enough, then it would be hard to do anything without his balls.

I do wonder how many women are lorry loaders though

Please note that all this has come about since he started the job 6 weeks ago! I think I may have to agree with what marantha said as he is with an agency at the moment and really wants to be taken on full time before christmas.

I'm a drip feeder sorry

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