No contact with family. not sure what i want from this thread!!

[dingdongmrs]

I dont know if i want to rant, or cry and i dont know what answers im expecting.

Last year i fell out with my parents which in turn meant i fell out with the whole of my family,sister,brother in law, aunts, uncles, grandparents ect.

I was one week away from my due date with my youngest and my mother offered to have my son for a week as it was summer holidays and to give me a little rest before my baby was born. when she was due to bring him back she refused saying he didnt love me and loved her and wanted to stay there. we obviously fell out. me and my mother have never really got on and she always told me i should have been a boy and she wanted a son. as far as im concerned she went a little nutty over my son. anyway i got my son back and we havent spoken since, she has never meant my youngest and never sees my other girl. i hate them all so much, they have all done so many horrible things, told many lies about me and all turned on me when me and my mother fell out.

the problem is christmas is coming and i feel sad! i dont miss them as such but i miss the fact i no longer have a family. i can never forgive them for what they have done and even thinking of them upsets me but part of me misses 'my mum'. like a child misses their mum. i dont miss my mother but i miss having a mother if that makes sense. how do i get over this? i cant see her again, she hurts me too often and has for years, this argument was just the peak of crap and i cant get past it and dont want to. but it saddens me that i no longer have family other than my hubby and kids. and yes that is enough for me but i still feel like somethig is missing. how to other people with no family cope? how to children with no parents cope? i feel so stupid being so sad because i hate them so much. but i dont know how to forget about them and mkove on. its caused me to have anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder which im tryiong to deal with withoiut the aid of medication or councilling.

what else can i do?

dingdongmrs What you can do is come and join us on the 'stately Homes thread' I will come back and post a link in a minute.
There is a number of women on there (including me ) who have no contact with their families, so you will feel less alone.
I have not seen my mother for what will be three years this christmas, and this is the first time I have not had anxiety about it.
It does take time to heal, you are grieving, so go easy on yourself and allow yourself that time.

Hi here

Hi, don't know if this will help, but I haven't seen dm since August 1992. It has been difficult, especially after dd was born - I felt overwhelmed by the question of 'why couldn't/didn't dm love me'. It wasn't pnd, more a sort of grief if that makes sense. You're not the only one to 'want your mummy' - I do often, just not the one I got iyswim.

Perhaps it might help to make a list of the pros and cons of being in contact. Not holier than thou, but if you can manage to hate what they've done, rather than them, that may hate.

I've found that when I've hated people it can get horribly corrosive and I've felt worse.

Tb Do you think though that you have to come through the hatred to reach the other side? I felt I had to 'feel' all of the anger toward my mother first. I dont feel that anger now, but I had to go through it. Anger is a part of the grieving process to after all. Just my thoughts on it, but I understand everyone has a different means of dealing with things.

thank you for your replies, and thank you therealsmith for that link, i will definately come and join you all there. i do think its a kind of grieving and im hoping it gets better with time.

ive tried hating what they have done but it still feels so raw that i cant seperate what they done from them if you see what i mean. i guess i have to give myself some time.

im lucky i have my hubby and kids and i know they are the most important thing to me. just sometimes its hard, for example i now talk to hubby about everything womanly! my hormones make my anxiety flare up and i sometimes think it would be nice if i had a woman to talk to and thats when i miss having a mother figure i suppose.

thank you for your replies, you have helped me see im not alone. xx

dingdongmrs I totally understand. You will find others that do too on the thread. I seperated from my mother at xmas time three years ago and gave birth to dd in the feb.
My mother rang me a few months after the birth and that phonecall sent me into a spiral of anxiety and grief.
BUT it does get better, and I am here to let you know there is relief at the other end of a very painful tunnel.
It is like seeing a picture which represents your life and currently all you can see in that picture are the colours of pain, grief, anger and sadness. Those colours representing those emotions will shrink back into the background in time.
Hope I have helped a little x

It does get better. I haven't spoken to my mother for 13 years. I can cope with it now. It has been hard since having my daughter, now five. I find it increasingly hard to udnerstand how she could be so callous and distant. But I don't feel so hurt anymore.

This is my first year without being in contact with my Dad or sister. When I think about what my sister has done, it still robs me of my breath. I am so shocked and hurt, but it only happened this Spring. I know I will come to terms with it, but sometimes I do turn around and think 'how did I end up with no family at all?'. But the strange thing is, despite the hurt, I feel more at peace with the world and myself than I ever have before. It's great not be criticised and run down all the time.

I suppose we get the chance to 'start afresh' within our own little families (partners and / or children) and make sure they have more love in their lives than we did.

But at Christmas I often get a bit sad, which is probably why I go nuts and get right into the making of decorations and reading Christmas stories and all that magical shite stuff.

It will be 2 years since I had contact with my mother, I can so relate to missing having a mother and not missing my mother. It is like a grieving process.

My mother wrote me a letter telling me everything was my fault, that I thought I was better than her even as a little girl. She's so messed up as well, again she is all for boys , she once told me DP would leave me if I couldn't give him a son as all men want a son and you are only a real woman when you have one of each WTF?

Anyway I digress you are not the only one sadly.

I've just started a new thread about my sister, who I haven't spoken to for 5 years.

She doesn't want contact with any of us since our parents died and I have to accept that that is just how it is.

I think I started to feel better when I realised that I was grieving for the person I want her to be, not the person she is. I can't change her or how she treats people so it is better just to let go.

Still hard at Christmas though, just be thankful that you are surrounded now by people who are loving and supportive.

"part of me misses 'my mum'. like a child misses their mum. i dont miss my mother but i miss having a mother if that makes sense."

I totally undertand the comment you made above.
I am still in contact with my family but some of them I have a difficult relationship. I find my mum hard to deal with and it makes me very sad. I cant bear to cut people out of my life, I find it too difficult. Sometimes I think I will but then I always give in.

Christmas is a time for families and I know how you feel, it is hard and I am sure you feel vunerable at this time of year. Try to keep busy.

Rx

yy Rachyandmeg, there is a part of me that just wants to be looked after, and want to curl up with my mummy and have everything done for me and mummy will make the big bad scary world go away.

But realistically I know that this comes from having to be very independant and protect myself and parent myself from the age of 10 / 11.

Taking good care of yourself, caring for yourself and yes definitely keeping busy helps. I found it help me immensely to help other people too.

queen of whatever i agree with every word you say
very similar story
of course you mourn the loss but you do come out stronger and a feeling of calm comes over you.....
i do feel sad that i do not have family but i love my dp very much and have lovely children and great friends who know all about my family and how i 'survived them'
your mum sounds like she may have continued to hurt you?