Wish I didn't dread sex, getting desperate to sort this.

[namechangeasaurus]

I really want to want to do it, I am just getting all tense and stressed.

Wouldn't mind TTC for another baby sometime soon, this is not really helpful.

DC is now 1 year old and the lack of physical relationship is starting to cause problems between me and DH.

I spent the first few months thinking, this is normal, I am tired etc but eventually I was just avoiding it.

Plan A was to just make myself do it once a week, I thought if the pressure was off most nights it might be better. It sort of worked. I can feel my body responding but mentally I am just wishing it was over mostly. I almost enjoyed it once, the rest of the times I was just gritting my teeth.

Any suggestions to help me relax and get over feeling all tense, I really don't want to fall out with DH about this again, he has been pretty understanding, but we are struggling with it.

Thanks in advance.

I understand where your coming from, I usually take myself for a nice hot bath, with bubbles etc then put a little something on for DP, and often send him a couple of suggestive texts while he's traveling home from work. Usually because he know's its on the cards I cant back out of it.

Sorry to hear you're not enjoying your sex life. Do you know why you are not enjoying it, mentally? It sounds like you are getting really anxious about it and that it's a bit of a vicious cycle?

Do you enjoy any (ahem) solo practice? Might it be worth trying to rediscover your sexuality on your own to take the pressure off?

Or could you try learning massage on each other - as a way of being intimate and showing love to each other but without the pressure of sex, building new associations of being relaxed and getting and giving pleasure from each other's bodies...

You say your husband is understanding, would he be happy to talk about this with you and perhaps try to find a way back in together that isn't going straight in at the deep end (!) if that's making you wound up?

Are you pressurising yourself that your sex-life has to be a certain 'way'? Are you trying to go back to how it was before you had a baby? Maybe it might be helpful to think of it that you've gone through a lot of physical changes having a baby, and maybe it means that your sex-life/sexuality might be different from what it was before, and you need to discover what that is together, from scratch.

FWIW, I think it's really really normal to have low sex drive after having a baby.

Thanks.

Yes it is anxiety that seems to be a problem.

We had a bit of a talk last night and I am feeling a bit better.

DH was getting frustrated about me 'moaning but not doing anything about it'! I suppose I have just been going round in circles a bit and avoiding the issue where possible.

TBH I have never had a particularly amazing sex life to get back to! I think it may have been to do with being on the pill for such a long time, but a lot of the time I could take it or leave it. Felt a lot better when I stopped taking it to TTC anyway.

I can't remember if I have had any solo practice since the baby was born actually Would be a struggle to find the time now while working full time then I kind of take over when I get in as DH is a SAHD.

I know what you mean about things.changing after having a baby. Even the fact that I spent the first 6 months spending a lot of my time breastfeeding and not sleeping much! Then expressing once back at work, we have not had that much time to ourselves. We are getting a bit more sleep and evening time these days so I think that will help.

Thanks again.

Well I'm certainly no expert but it's good that you're talking about it. I think we're all guilty of 'moaning but not doing' at times about a whole range of things. Once you make a decision to tackle something (even if it's just to think about it properly) I think sometimes that's you over the crest of the hill. Well it is for me.

I definitely find my libido is lower when I'm on the pill and the same with several of my friends, so maybe that's not ideal for you?

TBH it sounds like you've got lots on your plate and lots of pressure - so don't put any more on yourself! But maybe you and DH can find some time to just be intimate with each other in a way that relaxes you both - if that's not 'full sex' then that's not a problem, maybe it's not what you need right now.

Hope you get somewhere and start to feel less anxious.