Karma has just butt-kicked me into orbit, just need to tell someone about this

[goingatinybitmad]

Really sorry in advance for all the details I am about to pour on your heads :(

I posted on here about 6 months ago because I had very, very stupidly got into an affair with a man and I had had a wake-up call and wanted to end it. It was for 7 months but only saw him about 8 times in total. He came along when I was in a bad place last year, no excuses but have been battling depression on and off since 2005, and he came along when I was at my lowest. He was besotted with me (sorry to sound big-headed but he was, just trying to paint a clear picture) but I knew after some time that what I was doing was wrong and I hated what I was doing and wanted to stop it. I wasn't eating or sleeping and just was not me at all. It was destroying me as a person.

I posted here asking for advice on how to end the relationship and got some really good advice which i took.I ended it that day and he took it badly but I was firm; I wanted to stay with my DH. He text me a few times after that (couldn't get o2 to block his number) and I ignored and thought that was it. I decided not to tell DH. Big mistake.

Yesterday the other man hacked into my Facebook and posted an awful status (pretending to be me) saying "sorry that I am a liar and a cheat." My best friend saw it and rang me immediately and she said it was there for literally a minute then he deleted it again. It frightened me so I told DH everything. I should have told him before but I am a coward. DH has been very reasonable and not raised his voice to me (I wish he would shout at me tbh) and he says he needs time to think, which obviously I will give him.

I feel like my life is ruined and for what? Because someone else made me feel wanted and loved? I am so, so stupid and embarrassed and ashamed. I hate people who do what I have done, yet here I am now, one of those people. I am angry with this other bloke and so is DH. He wants me to tell him where he lives and he wants us to drive to his house so that DH can tell him face to face to leave us alone. I don't think that this is a good idea. What if it ends in violence?

I don't even know what advice I am asking for really. I think I just needed to get it written down.

oh dear. how awful.

Not much that people can advise, is there, sadly? You have no control now. You just need to give your husband the time he is asking for to make his decision.

I'm really sorry for your situation.

I understand your husband's desire to confront this man, but if he did, it would not end well. But if you refuse to tell him, will he think you are trying to protect this man? Does he believe you that this affair is over?

This is the thing; he thinks that I am reluctant to go and see him because I am hiding something. I am not hiding enything but can't blame DH for thinking otherwise really.

Are either of the men violent? Are they likely to fight? Could you not use this? "I am frightened that there will be a fight. I do not want you to be in trouble with the police over this."

Could he tell this man to stop over the phone?

But then this man may choose to lie and say you're still at it. And your husband would probably believe it!

Oh this is a hopeless situation.

Threads I've read on here where the woman is the one who's been cheated on, the advice seems to be that the cheater must do whatever their betrayed partner wants or needs in order to prove their regret and desire to stay together and move on.

Oh, that's horrible for you. I'm so sorry to hear it :(

The guy's clearly a sandwich short of a picnic, or he wouldn't have done such a bonkers thing. Therefore DH isn't likely to get much sense, honesty or reason out of him. It's understandable that DH wants to chase the guy down but - be warned - his anger is likely to trun on you fairly soon. Obviously I don't know you or how your relationship works, but it might be worth talking this over with him, and letting him get started on being angry with you.

Have you got Shirley Glass's "Not Just Friends"? Might be a good idea for you both to read it. I really wish you the best.

That's true, IGA. Quite common for the betrayed to hate the ow/om rather than the betrayer. It's self protection, isn't it? My partner didn't choose to betray me, it's all that other person's fault, they somehow made them do it.

I second the Shirley Glass book. Your H may find it very helpful and you may too x

Yea, that's called projection!

What an awful time you must be going through.

I think it would be a very bad idea to go round in person and see OM- for you and your DH but I can understand your DHs anger and need to vent.

Could you and DH phone the OM and you speak to him to say you have been honest about the affair to your DH, that he knows everything and you would appreciate him leaving you in peace to sort out your marriage.

x posted

I mean putting the blame on the other person - they made me do it - is projection.

Meant to say the idea behind both phoning OM together is to present a united front so OM can see you two are strong and united in dealing with the affair. Even if the last thing you actually feel is strong and united, it sort of pushes the OM out, if you create that impression, and also shows your DH that you have nothing to hide.

damn just wrote a really long post and it vanished!

In a nutshell I have been where you are. I "accidentally " let DH know my user name for a forum I was posting on for help. He read all my posts and found out all about the affair I wasn't planning to tell him about from a year before. After a long struggle to resolve things I chose to leave him.

There is no such thing as an accident. How did OM guess your password? At some level you needed this to come out. Be brave and face up to the consequences of your actions. It may improve your marriage, it may split you up.

But your are in control and the future is up to you. Be happy

Oh and my DH went to see OM without telling me. OM was prepared to be beaten up but instead DH was kind to him and he cried out of shame and misery. We have had no further contact and I hope he is repairing his own marriage sadder and wiser.

Thank you for all advice.

I don't have OM's phone number to be ableto telephone him, unfortunately. I deleted his number and email addresses when I put an end to things. I have tried to get his number from directoy enquiries but he is ex-directory.

Also, thanks for being gentle with me.