Anyone here who grew up with an absent mother?

[Unprune]

Just wondering how you deal with it now you're an adult and a mother yourself.
Do you see your mother?

I don't see her and haven't for many years. I understand her even less now that I have children of my own.

Are you okay Unprune?

I'm ok, thanks. Just, you know, filled with hatred
I had a sort of epiphany about my mother nearly a year ago and have found it hard to even hear her voice on the answer phone.
It's unusual to grow up with the mother out of the family home, so I wondered how others had dealt with it.

I am not sure it is something you can deal with though I think my situation was different as I get the feeling you lived with your father?

well kind of. she was in hospital most of the time and then she died when i was 9. i sometimes wonder why she didn't write me a letter for when i was older, or do a memory box or something. i would for my dd if i became seriously ill.

other than that i don't really think about it. but i feel very happy for dd that she has a mum.

I did live with my father (and younger brother). He is a decent man, emotionally crap, not easy, but stable and good.

Ruddynorah sorry to hear about your mum.

Hi, not quite, did grow up with a mom though couldnt exactly call her that. She didnt really want us, told us that all the time!. She was emotionally/physically abusive.

I left home at 18 (20 years ago) and contact has been sporadic. Saw her a few times last year when she heard I had cancer but nothing since.

I think I have struggled as a mother. Constantly trying to do the opposite of my mom so always checking myself! My children tell me they love me all the time, gosh something we never said to our mom or her to us!

I do look at friends and their moms and wander what it would be like to have that kind of relationship. I do feel sad about it but obviously nothing I can do so I hope to have with my children what I didnt.

Yes to constantly trying not to do what she did. It is quite painful, I find. I know I tie myself up in knots sometimes about eg telling ds off (I still do it, but I worry that I've got it out of proportion and I don;t know always what's normal in the circumstances).

Luckily dh comes from a great family and they have taken me under their wing.

I worry (unnecessarily, says MIL) that my mother will need care when she is old and will expect me to do it and I think I need to tell her to eff off before then. (But I know that's a bit messed up, really.)

Hi,
I grew up without my mom. She and my dad split up when i was about 6 months old and I stayed with my dad. I have always had some form of contact with her and found that as I am getting older (now in my 30's) we actually have a rather good relationship. I definitely feel that it has affected the way I am in relationships though as I am very needy and put this down to not having the undevided attention of my mom during my early years. Sometimes I went months without seeing her depending on what relationship she was in at the time and that often made me angry that I was 2nd best for her. Although I understand her reasons for not taking me with her and probably had a more secure childhood by staying with my dad I have definitely missed out by not having a permanent mother figure. However I think we have pretty good bond now although I probably see her more of a goods friend than a mom.

yes i did. Just in the park and marking my place, i'll be back shortly'

Yes, I did. She went out 'for a walk' one day when I was three and never came back.

I was raised by my dysfunctional grandmother and aunt, and am totally determined to do 1000% better in raising my dd and ds.

I grew up without a mother and have never really had anything to do with her my whole life. I don't hold any anger towards her because I don't think she had a very good life. I feel sad that I don't have a mother but don't really feel it impacts on my ability to be a good mother - I'm not her! It's hard being a mum no matter what the circumstances. Someone once told me that you leave the hospital having given birth with a bag of guilt and it never goes away. My point is, regardless of whether you had a mother or not we're likely to question our ability to be a good mum. I'll bet most of us are doing a great job.

My mum left when I was about 5 to my recollection. My Dad (they had divorced a few years previously) got a call from Social Services telling him to come and collect my brother and I as my mother had called them to say she was leaving. She suffered from depression quite badly.

Sadly, I don't remember the next few years (I suppose that the brain blocks out what is too traumatic to handle). When I became a mother myself, I sent my mother a letter (I got her address from my nan) and didn't hear a thing back. I sent another thinking that I'd give her another chance but no.

It hurt me immensely to be be rejected by my mother; I've always had low self-esteem and a tendency to blush very easily. However, having a daughter has empowered me somewhat. I vow not to make the mistakes that my mother did; I'm an excellent parent (well, I think so!) and have a fantastic relationship with my little girl.

My situation is difficult to explain. I grew up with both parents in the house. But my dad was (I can see now in hindsight) mentally ill and very emotionally abusive towards me and hence physically 'present' but actually 'absent' from my life.

My mother was also physically 'present' but absent from my life in every other way ie emotionally/psychologically. She never spent one to one time alone with me. She never talked to me or allowed me to talk to her. She fed and clothed me so to the outside world it must have appeared that I was being looked after and not neglected. But I felt very neglected my whole life. I grew up feeling very very alone, especially when I had any problems, I had nobody to turn to for help.

Like others have said, I go out of my way to make sure that my DD has lots of one to one time with me, every day. I ask her about her day, always give her the opportunity to tell me if there is anything bothering her, and am quite open with her about myself and how I am feeling and what I am thinking (within reason as she is only 7!)

I hope I am helping us both to build a close relationship, I try to be there for her all the time and I 'notice' her, what she is doing, how she might be feeling etc. My mother was like a housekeeper/maid, silently cooking and doing chores but never once taking an interest in me and what was going on with me.

I used to feel very sad about what I didn't have a child and I do see other mums around me who are so obviously close with their mothers and feel sad about what I don't have as an adult. But I almost feel now as if I have 'grieved' over my 'loss' in having an absent mother and have moved on and am now getting on with making sure my DC's have a very different childhood to my own.

I have no contact with either of my parents, haven't had any for over 4 years. It's definately best that way for me.

I do not speak to my mother now. She is a feckless waster.

She didn't raise me - left me with an abusve grandmother. Got to know her when I was 17 (and had left gran's house). She has never once accepted responsibility for leaving me high and dry. She is a professional victim.

Low point came last year when my gran died, my mother forgot how hideously abusive she was and viewed her in death as some kind of martyr. Said I had to 'leave the past behind and get over it'. She has no empathy or understanding at all.

Utterly consumed sometimes with black boiling hatred for her, sometimes am sanguine about not having a mother. Not good really.

I would NEVER have done that to my daughter. Never. I cannot understand why a mother would leave her child like that.