Controlling/bullying partner?

[FrancyMgo]

Hello
I really would like some help/advise please..if anyone can.
I dont know if I am blowing everything out out proportion but I think I am in the middle of a personal crisis. I am (have become) extremely nervous and anxious and I think the only reason is my partners fiery temper.
He flares very very easily, sometimes over the slightest thing, leaving me amazed and upset! I think I am a good/nice person (everyone tells me I am) I am a good mum to my little ones too but I am struggling. I have been prescribes Citalopram by my Doctor for high anxiety depression but I still feel it.
8 weeks ago my partner even had an almighty row with my mum (who means the world to me) in front of my kids, over such a silly silly thing, I personally think all because she would not do something in HER own home that he thought she should. He stormed out and they now dont talk. My partner now doesnt really like me to call her when he is not in the room as he thinks we are conspiring. I feel so lost. I have so much to say but no time! I am scared he will come back in and see me on here! He doesnt seem to actually like anyone..he seems very spiteful of most people.
He seems so very remorseful and really really upset (hating himself) once the argument has passed and he apologises. He adores the kids.
One last thing..I tried to keep a tiny journal of things he has said to me to remind myself as to whether his behaviour is acceptable (such as; I am a lazy cow, everything thing I do turns to shit, not pulling my weight, spineless, timid timmy, dull as dishwater...all said in arguments) he found my list whilst going through my bag. I feel I have NO personal time, or possesions. Nothing is private.
Please help me..I just need to know that perhaps i'm not actually going mad and what on earth would you do if you were me. Thankyou

my god.

I would pack my bags or his.

And I'm not a "LEAVE HIM LEAVE HIM LEAVE HIM" sort.

But unless you show him you mean business, he won't change.

Tell him that you will not live like this any longer and that he needs to get help to change.

I don't know if you want to still be with him in the long term, if you do then you could say that once he has proven to you that he has changed - he's having cbt to change his behaviour or something - then you can discuss the terms under which you will agree to reunite.

What Hecate said, totally.

Either he's seriously unstable or (more likely imo) he's using his temper as a means to keep you where he wants you, that is, exactly in the state of fear and uncertainty that you are in. Cutting you off from the support of your family is a classic move, and it wouldn't be beyond the bounds of reason to suspect he engineered the row with your mum for that purpose.

I'm probably rather excessively territorial, but when my husband of 20 years went to get something out of my handbag once I nearly snapped his head off. There was absolutely nothing in there he shouldn't see and I was happy to get my purse (or whatever it was) out and hand it to him, but it was my bag and I was fecked if I'd let anyone rummage through it! Same with the post; if something came that looked important he'd ring me to ask if I wanted it opened, and I'd accord him and the DCs the same common courtesy. When one of my cousins left her husband, she only had to mention that he used to open her mail (after being asked not to) and we completely saw where she was coming from.

Adoring the kids, btw, is not enough. I don't know how old they are but it's quite common for controlling people to love little dependent children, but to start the mind games once they grow up a bit and start to have their own ideas. So watch out for that.

Guys thankyou so much, really. I feel better just knowing that its not just me. I really appreciate the time you have taken to write to me x

God Francy,

Thank heavens you have recognised these serious warning signs. Some women spend YEARS excusing this behaviour, wondering if they've caused it....etc.

You are totally correct, he is controlling and bullying. In some cases, but not all, these men get worse and resort to violence. In the best case, with some serious help -for him not you, he could change, but this is unlikely.

There are many things you can do, but you will have to do something. When I say do something I don't mean you need to take responsibility for solving his problem. This is not your fault and it is TOTALLY his responsibility to get help. This is very important, as you will see when you've read more about Emotional/Verbal Abuse.

Checkout the Womensaid website, or call them.
Read Patricia Evans book on Verbal Abuse.
Delete your history. Don't confront him, yet.

Thankyou so much mumonthenet I will do that as soon as I get the chance on my own.

write a blog of your experiences. then there is no list to find.

OMG , I wouldn't waste any more of my life with someone like him. You and your DC's deserve a much better life than that.

Agree that you probably shouldn't confront him. Can you get to the CAB, speak to Womens Aid. Do you think your mum will be supportive if you end the relationship?

I wouldn't hold out any hope of him changing TBH. My XP was nasty and even Relate and not seeing the kids haven't made him buck his ideas up.

A blog is a good idea, thankyou..My mum would be VERY supportive she's very worried too. God I feel so scared to be on my own, I just have zero confidence at the moment. I know what you are all saying though and feel easier evehaving shared

Glad you feel relieved, FM, and am delighted your mum's supportive :) Yes, DO TELL HER ALL!
Let us know how you are, when you have time. x