may I ask a question re the effects of having an NPD parent please?

[PotKettleBlack]

I hope this is ok, I am asking because of a conversation with a friend that has concerned me a bit.

From what she has told me about her DH, his mother displays many traits of NPD (which I have only learnt about from reading MN threads on this board). I don't think her DH would realise that there might be a "label" that could be applied to his mother, it's just how she is.

Anyway, my friend is having a few issues with her DH and his behaviour. I think it would help her if she could arm herself with a few facts or some background about how NPD parents might affect their children, in case this is at the root of her DH's behaviour, or indeed if he is following the same pattern.

There are usually a couple of books recommended on here, Toxic Parents / Toxic In-Laws, and Why Does He Do That? Would those be helpful and appropriate for me to suggest to her? I don't think he is an emotional abuser (though obv can't be sure) so I don't want her to think that I am suggesting that her DH is some sort of monster as that would be pretty offensive.

Thanks in advance.

Hi yes they are all good books but I can also reccomend Trapped in the Mirroe (Elan Golomb). Specifically written for 'adult children of narcissists).
This link may also be useful samvak.tripod.com/faq66.htmlhere
Is there anything specific about his behaviour that is causing problems?

sorry link didnt work will try againhere

thanks, will have a look at those. I don't want to go into too many details but the gist is that he has not been particularly nice to her, very grumpy, irritable, withdrawn and sometimes disappearing for hours at a time without telling her in advance.

without being an expert at all, it doesn't sound to me as though himself has NPD but I can only imagine that if you grow up with a full-on NPD mother then you may struggle as an adult with how a "normal" relationship should work. or not, he could just be an arse of course.

I may get this post deleted as I am conscious that this is someone else's problems I am writing about. But if anyone has any thoughts on it in the meantime, that would be great.

You might like to show her this: Heartless Bitches - emotional abuse. What you said about growing up with skewed ideas about relationships is true enough, but how would this information help her?

Good question Grace. I think that given she has worries about her DH it might help her know if his behaviour is linked to how his mother treats him; to be able to identify if he himself is following the same path (and how to deal with it); or none of the above, that he's just an arse or of course someone under general life pressure who needs help / counselling etc.

PKb Think the main thing for your friend is that she can not change her dh or his mother. I know that it's not that black and white but if he has any kind of issues it has to be him that seeks help. All your friend can do is decide what she will or will not deem acceptable in the relationship and establish appropriate boundaries.
By doing that she will be helping him to seek the help he needs.