I've been an idiot, may I now release the monster within?

[notanidiotnomore]

Left my ex husband after (a lot of years of abuse and crap) er a while..
Been really nice, accepted bugger all child maintenance and have listened to endless phonecalls including threatening suicide and cant live without me etc .

Tonight I find out from poor DD12yrs he has been having an affair with an old flame.

Ive been a soft idiot havent I?
Do I have your permission to release the monster within and get a bloody good lawyer?
(please escuse swearing but I'm really angry).

Permission granted.

yes, do it. and move on x

you have, you do and you must do it now!

Go for it> x

Here's a permit, stamped & ready for your signature :)

It's not evil to demand he contributes a decent amount towards his children's upbringing. If that's your idea of monstrous you need to get out more.

May I suggest an air of amused tolerance is the best way to handle the phone calls? Lots of phrases like "that's nice, dear" and "good luck with that" which make it clear that you weren't even listening, and then being all brisk and cheerful about having to go now, bye bye, nice talking to you. Sort of low-key monstrosity.

Low key monstrosity. Ok.

Just convinced myself we could be one of the rare ones that have an amicable divorce.
Dont actually think thats going to be possible though.Once I get a good solicitor it will all kick off big time. He has a very feisty side to him.
I think he has been playing me. I feel a fool.

Hang on, somebody told you they'd be reasonable and you believed them? How does that make you a fool?

It makes him an arse, but you know that now. Stop beating yourself up and start getting what you're entitled to. I'm not saying take him to the cleaner's - though he'll see it that way, most likely. He has a child to support. Make sure he does. Then get on with your life.

I don't know about foolish but you have been naive

I expect it is going to get nasty now (from your latest post), which tbh, if that is the case you being "nice" would not have made a blind bit of difference

If he is going to kick off, then it was inevitable it would happen at some point

I suggest you immediately stop taking all his calls that are not directly relating to childcare, let your solicitor sort out the financial details and let him find his support elsewhere (as he clearly has been doing all along...)

I don't get it he is your ex husband..how is he having an affair?

ex husband- really for want of a better word. we split up 2 months ago.
I will try to explain it better.

I have just found out he has been seeing his old girlfriend from years ago.I have no idea how long for. I do know she is married.
Thats absolutely fine, none of my business really as we are separated.
But the reason Im so cross is that he has been paying very little towards the children when I know he earns a considerable sum and at the same time begging me to come back for hours on the phone.
I now am thinking he has been playing complicated games to stop me asking for the right amount of child support and/or keep me from guessing about this new woman and citing adultery. All the while I have been understanding, and nice to him.

Oh I dont know, everything with him has to be so complicated.

and I'm tired and I SO want to move on

Please keep his relationship separate from your divorce settlement. It may still be perfectly possible to have an amicable divorce

You are shortchanging your children by letting him off the hook with the maintenance he should be paying.

Ignore his ill-advised shagging, and just focus on getting yourself together and starting a new life.

yesyouknowme, I agree. Wouldnt raise it at all other than I am annoyed he is still begging me to come back at the same time.

BitofFun: good point, that makes me feel a bit braver if I start to pursue more, it is for the children.

I left the family home taking the children with me.
He stands firm about me not being allowed back in unless he is there.
The Police have told me I need an adult chaperone anyway if I go back in.
There are still some of my things there, is he allowed to keep me out?
Ideally I would go in while he is at work to collect my remaining things.

You can ask the police to accompany you to go get your things.
The police will give you an appointment when they're free and go with you.

Pursue child maintenance thro the CSA if he's employed, let them deal with it, so you dont have to be involved with negotiatiing anything with your ex regarding the monies.

And yes instruct a very good solicitor, especially if you've left the former marital home.

His affair or whatever doesn't matter to you. Getting your fair share, and ensuring your children are well looked after does concern you.

CSA cant touch him, they have told me as much...as he is based in Middle East.

Have no money so cant instruct a decent lawyer without legal aid.