sex drive

[carmenelectra]

I am not really quite sure how to word this!

I have been with my dp for a long time and we lead busy lives and have children. Our sex drives, i would, say have always been pretty evenly matched. Having said that, he has always wanted sex more than me, or rather initiated it more. I have often felt like but not 'bothered' cause i have been busy or talked myself out of it as i have been too tired. We have still roughly have had sex at least twice a week and it has always been good.

Over the yrs my dp has often 'pestered' me for sex(for want of a better word) and said things like 'come on, lets at least have a quickie' etc etc. I always thought he was quite rampant to be honest.

Now recently my sex drive has increased massively to the point that i could easily have it most days. Now I thought my dp would be overjoyed by this but he doesnt seem that fussed! He doesnt usually refuse as such but he doesnt seem hugely thrilled by me seducing him either. In fact most of the time he doesn't initiate it that much now, whereas before he was often touching me or suggesting things.

I have mentioned this to him and he says im being silly and imagining it(I'm not).I have eVEN suggested he either doesn't fancy me as much as he used to or his sex drive isn't as high as i previously thought. Don't get me wrong I am not full on or anything, but i have bought lots of nice lingerie things like that.

I kind of made a few comments jokingly last night suggesting i was in the mood and he sort of gave a sigh that he was tired, so i didnt pursue it. As a woman i find this difficult and it makes me feel a bit insecure and today I'm in the kind of mood where i think bollocks let him do the running now.
Any thoughts?

I have a higher libido than my DH these days and I do think it comes as a shock to them when they've made all the running for so many years.

I remember the first time he turned me down and I was hurt and actually quite devastated, which was ridiculous really, we have this myth that men are up for sex 24/7 and it's just not true, they can be "not in the mood" too. If my DH is tired or has had a bad day at work, the last thing he wants is sex, it took me a while to realise that he wasn't rejecting me, he just doesn't want sex when he's feeling a bit crap, whereas sex cheers me up if I've had a crappy day.

It takes a while to re-adjust to a different balance in your sex life, I think it's good to revisit any unwritten rules you both have about sex, like if one person turns sex down, they have to be the one to initiate it the next time. I've found that works well for us, although I can't remember the last time I turned him down. If he does then he inevitably initiates sex the next day.
When my sex drive went into orbit, DH found it difficult at first because I was very full on, he ended up telling me that he wasn't a machine and that although he enjoyed sex with me very much, I was a bit much sometimes. I went through the sexy undies and sex toys phase and tbh it worried him, probably because for 20 years I had a take it or leave it approach to sex.
We are pretty much in balance now and I would say we initiate equally.

Perhaps he doesn't realise how his behaviour is coming across to you, just keep communicating with him.

Thanks! Well i like the idea that the person who does the turning down does the initating next time! To be honest he kind of does that now. I think if he hasnt been all that interested in my advances then the next day he seems to feel almost guilty and mentions it and usually tries it on.

I just don't know how to deal with it really when he doesn't look that fussed- whether to take that as a signal or try and seduce him. If i did try and seduce him then he would definitely be up for it and i could persuade him. The thing is if i 'put the feelers' out that i am in the mood and he doesnt take the hint then it puts me right off, like I am begging him or something!

I think that gentle hints and all that just doesn't work, you wouldn't hint at whether or not he fancied a sandwich , so why be coy about sex?

If he comes to bed saying he's tired, it might be a code that he isn't in the mood, in those cirumstances I wouldn't even try to get him interested because it will put you off and cause resentment if he can't take the hint that you smell nice and have made an effort.
If he's anything like my DH , if he's up for it, it won't matter whether you haven't shaved your legs for a week and your hair needs washing or you have a massive spot forming, likewise, no amount of sexy underwear/grooming etc. will get him in the mood if he's really not.
It's just a matter of learning the unconcious signs, DH says he could always tell by my body language that I wasn't in the mood, but he never, ever pestered me, even when it had been weeks.

Yes I get what you mean. Last night he said he had a bad back. I offered to massage it(wink wink0 but he said it was ok as he had had some tablets. I would have just given him a massage but i think now looking at it, he was telling me he wasnt in the mood for anything full stop!

Carmen - this could be my post! everything you say is exactly the same as my situation.

I'm trying to fix it, but realise I'm trying to do this with 'hints' - and it isn't working.

I'm getting more frustrated as time goes by.

I love the sandwich analogy - but I just don't know how to raise this topic so directly. Inexperience I guess.

Any advice Mal ?

Feel like if I don't try and get us on the right road now then we might just bob along as we are - which for me, is a bit dissatisfied.

I'd love to know how to fix what's gone wrong with my dh and I.

I know every bloke has the occasional problem in that area, but over the last couple of years it's at the point where he is basically impotent.

Our sex drives have always been mismatched, with his being a lot lower than mine; but I dealt with it (as you do), and we both initiated sex. It's been at least a year, maybe 18 months, since we last managed to have sex without him losing his erection before or during sex.

I can't actually pinpoint where it all went wrong, just that the odd time that he couldn't get 'wood' became more frequent.
I've done my best to reassure him, told him I don't mind (and I didn't, to start with), but now its's the only thing we don't/can't talk about, the elephant in the room.

What makes it worse is that when there was sex there was intimacy, now it's all gone, and there's no contact, no laughs or inside jokes. It's like I've become invisible as a woman to him.

I've been gently trying all the usual things, sexy outfits, massages etc; but it appears that I don't arouse him anymore. Not even porn arouses him now.

I tried talking to him yesterday afternoon about it, as tactfully as possible, and was totally rebuffed.

I'm at my wits end now, and can't see a way around this.

He's only 44 btw and I'm 39.

Any suggestions?