DH is reluctant to let DCs go to after school clubs because of past abuse

[helpme2helphim]

I've been on mn for six or seven years now but am using the name I post under when I want advice for anything relating to this delicate situation.

DH was sexually abused by an adult in a position of authority when he was child. He doesn't want our DCs (7 & 8) to attend out-of-school clubs such as cubs etc incase it happens to them. We've talked about how the regulations are much tighter now than they were in the 1980's but he's not convinced even though he himself knows from working with children how closely staff are monitored.

I totally understand where he's coming from and respect that but the kids are desperate to go to an outside-school club. They obviously don't know what happened to DH but we've had quite a few of those "that's your body, just for you" type conversations.

I don't know what to do for the best. Anyone been in this situation?

No, but I didn't want to leave you unanswered. I would assume it is no good to try rationalising it, because his fear is coming from a very deep rooted place. How about the DCs try clubs / activities where the parents stay as a start? For example DS (6) does a rugby class, but parents all stay at the side to watch. Would that ease your DH in to feeling more secure?

I was abused.
I started toi struggle when DD was younger but I had to make the decision that if I curtailed her freedom then my abusers will simply have beaten me all over again.

the best way he can protect his children is to make them confident, out going children who are used to adult contact and what is and what is not appropriate.

My experience is that abusers seek outthe child who is slightly isolated, slightly lacking in confidence and unused to social norms. I think abusers tend to steer clear of robust confidenttypes.
The more his children go out and talk about these things the better/safer they will be.

Try and talk to him about how much more vulnerable they will be ifthey do not have a strong peer group and a wide range of confidence buidling skills and experiences.

Of course I am not saying that confident children cannot be abuser - of course I wouldn't say that. but kids used to adults are more savvy to 'normal' adult/child relationships

Has he had counselling. I think a lot of us face anxieties around our kids , especially when they are around the ages we were abused

thing is, when will he be happy for them to go places with other people? when they older? how old?

what about school day - why does he feel that is ok?

what is it about after school clubs?

maybe him talking to a counsellor, looking at risks/statistics etc.

he needs to rationalise his fear and anxiety.

Sorry but you have got to put your foot down with your H. While his feelings are understandable, they are his problem, and it is not good for the DC for him to restrict their lives because of his fears.
There are much stricter regulations about people who work with DC now and people are much more inclined to believe DC who complain about inappropriate behaviour or an adult who gives them the creeps, so it is much safer for DC to go to afterschool clubs than it was.
Tell your H that because the risk is so much smaller, that the DC are going to go to the clubs, as they want to so much, end of. And advise him to seek counselling if he finds this distressing.

Chrysanth That could be a good place to start. Thank you.

Pagwatch Thank you for giving me an insight (I'd give you a hug but have been around here long enough to know that's very unMN!) He had some counselling when he was child, after the abuser was jailed, but says it wasn't very helpful. I've encouraged him to see the GP about going again but he's very against the idea and prefers to just deal with it himself (which I don't think is the right approach but I support him i his decision)

cest He works at the school so I suppose that makes him more comfortable about them being there. He was abused by a cub master so that's why out of school clubs are the issue.

SGB I know I have to but it's hard. He's scared for them. It brings me to tears when I think about what he's been through so I'm trying to be gentle with him and fair to the DCs at the same time.

Well football is something they could do and he could stand on the sidelines. Judo and Karate - parents stay if they want to. Don't cubs etc have parent helpers as well? He could volunteer. Once he got to know the people involved he may feel less anxious. Difficult one.