Oh help, I feel about 14.

[BertieBotts]

I'm really sorry if this sounds trite and I don't want to come across as smug etc, I just want some advice really. Also apologies if it's a bit hard to follow!

I split up with emotionally abusive X in December. Towards the end of relationship I kept thinking about an old friend (A) who was kind of a one-who-got-away. A couple of months after leaving XP I was getting in touch with all my old friends who I'd lost touch with when I was with XP. So I got in touch with A, we chatted for a bit, and after another couple of months I told him I had always wondered what might have happened between us, he said he had too, and we got chatting and after a while it settled into a casual sex type thing, although he always maintained that we were friends first. Now I haven't spoken to him properly in months and have just made the uncomfortable realisation that the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is that I'm scared without the sex he won't have a reason to be friends with me at all. Which I know is stupid because if he's that shallow then how can I miss his total non-friendship in the first place! But just a bit sad about my crappy judgement again, because I really thought he was different. :(

Anyway, still waiting to speak to him to see what's going on with him TBH. The second thing which happened was another old friend (B) who I had a bit of a weird thing with years ago is hanging around and he's clearly stated that he's interested, whereas I am not - and even if I was he is in a relationship (albeit rocky, but still, big ) I get on with him as a friend though and I was pretty clear with him that nothing would happen between us, I don't know whether he is still holding out hope though?

Now I have someone else who I've just got back into contact with (C) who I did have a crush on at one point, but we were 17 and it lasted 2 months before someone else came along and I forgot all about him now I'm getting pretty strong signals from him as well, although he keeps denying it and has never made any kind of move on me, and TBH, I can feel myself getting emotionally involved here as well

So, I know I am young, but I can't really act like it and just go about having constantly changing boyfriends and partners because I have DS to worry about. I'm just wondering if I flirt too much (I'm a natural flirt, I can't help it and am too easily charmed, it seems whenever someone is interested in me I turn into a character from a bad chick lit story, and I'm thinking maybe it would be an idea for me to just be single for a bit and not think about anybody! Although that was kind of the plan up until now, and one of the reasons why I haven't had a proper relationship with 'A', but that hasn't really stopped me being distinctly 'teen angst' over him at times. And now if that was to be over, I don't think that 'C' is likely to jump right in, I'm pretty sure he would wait for a clear green light but I have a feeling that if I'm not careful I'm going to get carried away with that as well, in my head if not actually in real life.

Aargh, is relationship maturity something you can learn, or do you just have to keep on making the mistakes? And am I going to look back on this and kick myself for having 3 blokes interested and fighting it because I think I should even if I don't necessarily want to?

ok,right you seem to get around a bit, why not give them all a miss and find someone new sounds a bit complicated to me.

Eh? How do you work that one out? I don't think I get about much at all!

Not really interested in finding someone just for the sake of it TBH. Just wondered if anyone had any advice either to go for it or hold back completely or what.

What strikes me about this is that it is all from your past, yes?

And perhaps you should really be looking to your future. None of these men sound like they are moving heaven and earth to declare deep love or anything, more just picking up an unexpectedly available bonus, IYSWIM, so I would give them all a bodyswerve and try to expand your social circle a bit.

Yes, all from my past, funnily enough that's what my Mum said

I think that if I try to be objective, I don't really want a relationship at the moment. But something (well someone) comes along and it's like there's a little opportunist inside me who jumps up and down saying "Ooh, look, he's nice, you never meet nice men, quick take your chance!" and this is all way before I have had long enough to suss out whether or not they are even a nice person to begin with.

I'm starting at university on Monday anyway so will meet lots of new people I'm sure. (In fact didn't you help me with my application? Thank you! :))

Oh forget them all!

A is a waste of space who has had a shag and backed off.

B is involved with somebody else.

C hasn't actually said he is interested.

D is a path in front of you, which will lead to amazing places you have not yet explored...do that one. Be you. Have fun!

Yes, clear your head and your heart for uni, Bertie :) You're young, beautiful, intelligent ... and a tad too eager to please. The other students will seem weirdly young to you (I was 22 when I went, and still felt miles older than the school-leavers!) Perfect opportunity to make fresh mistakes, in a more forgiving & sociable environment ... and with Mumsnet by your side, of course. Have fun! x

Erm, I don't think the OP 'gets around' at all! There are 3 men. All 'interested' in her (albeit in varying degrees), but only 1 she has done anything with...that isn't 'getting around a bit'!!

OP, I agree with BoF in that forget the past & move on. I think they all seem to want something for nothing, so you are best not really getting too involved with any of them!

why are you looking up all these exes from your past ?

they are exes for a reason

be on your on for a little while, and keep an eye out for a new bloke

not one of these "sniffing around" because they know you are now single, and frankly, wide open to being shit on from a great height

get your head together first...and leave the crappy exes behind

I wasn't getting back into contact with exes really, I don't consider any of them exes TBH. I was just getting back in touch with friends that I had before XP, because I missed them. I only got back into contact with a view to being friends, apart from possibly A, but I think I knew that was a bad idea TBH. The C thing took me by surprise as we were only ever friends really. I might even be imagining his "interest" so I don't know. I was up way too late last night and overthinking things! I don't think he is specifically after anything sex-wise anyway, but I will be on my guard just in case. Thanks for the advice :)

You're going to uni? You SO will have the chance to forget about all of these three within a week.

You'll have so much that really grabs your imagination. Really, you'll be full of new ideas and new people and new pride in yourself.

I've read some of your posts, and you're a superintelligent woman. What are you going to study? I SO hope it's something social or arty or scientific

Plus, everyone there will be in the same boat as you, even if they're younger and don't have any children - they'll be looking for like minds and feeling the pull of familiar vs. new.

Enjoy yourself! Don't get bogged down!

THere's nothing actually wrong with having casual sex with as many men as you fancy having casual sex with as long as you a) use condoms and b) don't read more into it than is there and c) don't let them read more into it than is there.
Sex without commitment is fun. It's also a good way of making sure that you don't jump from one abusive relationship into another equally-but-differently abusive relationship because you feel that being single is bad or wrong.
ANd there will be plenty of casual sex available at university ( as am now far too old to pursue cute students...)

have just remembered you are off to uni

you will sooooo meet some hotties and forget about contacting "old friends"

The end of a relationship leaves you vulnerable and also gives you sometimes 'skwiff' judgement on situations...only you will know if you are feeling on a bit more of an even keel now and can see things a little more clearly, perhaps at the time A may well have been just what you needed, but as Bitoffun detailed, neither A/B or C are the right choices, do what SGB advised and go and enjoy your options at Uni!

Thanks supposedtobeworking :) I'm studying Health and Social Policy, I can't wait. I looked up the preliminary reading list, which I've only just had access to since last weekend, and one book was available online in full so started reading it and realised it was the kind of book I'd read anyway, just for fun Am a bit worried I'm going to come across as a bit of a geek

AnyFucker, is it a bad idea to contact "old" friends then? (I use old here only in the sense that I was friends with them before XP which feels like a long time ago, in reality, I only lost touch with them for a couple of years). I'm just a bit confused because I can't see anything wrong with it, but I value your opinion, could you expand a bit please?

SGB and Antalya I do think that I learned quite a lot from the whole experience with A. I went in too quickly at first and then we spoke and agreed it would be a bad idea to start a relationship, at first I was upset, but then realised actually I didn't want a relationship anyway. We agreed not to have sex because I didn't want it just to be sex (and neither did he, he said) but then ended up having sex anyway. I guess this was where it went wrong. However it was fine for a while, it was casual but we were still friends and I still fancied him so the sex was a nice bonus. I wasn't thinking of myself as his "girlfriend" or anything, and in fact was quite happy with this, but then it just slowly turned to just sex and not talking as friends. So I need to stop it completely I think. I'm not getting what I wanted out of it any more. I know that casual sex is fine, I just find it kind of boring, TBH. I much prefer it when I have some form of relationship as well even if it's just a friendly one, if that makes sense.

Long post, probably overthinking/rambling again, sorry :)

you're not rambling at all, in fact your last post shows that you are quite together in what you are looking for, you reconised what was on offer, did'nt read to much into it after some thought and decided that it wasn't enough..or what you were looking for...so that shows good judgement.

If you are starting uni next week, then until you get settled into that and of course trying to organise normal life on top of that, then you may feel differently about any sort of relationship ATM

Oh yes, I don't really want a relationship at all TBH at the moment, which is why I was getting confused as to why I keep seeming to attract relationship-type opportunities/scenarios if that makes sense.

I just meant that I'm not really interested in casual sex on a purely sex level. I'm quite happy not to have sex at all, I don't have a high sex drive really unless I'm really into someone.

BB, there is nothing wrong at all with contacting old friends. I suppose the only ones you detailed to us were the male ones, though ???

No mention of contacting old female friends, but then I guess there wouldn't have been reason for the OP, would there ? Will give you the benefit of the doubt there

Oh, I see. Yes I have got back in touch with female friends as well. I'm not just going through a catalogue of old flames, I see your point now I have a tendency to waffle, so I do try to trim unnecessary information out of my posts, but then sometimes end up drip-feeding a bit.

You sound lovely, btw and I look forward to hearing about your exploits at uni