mum has an alcohol problem

[Feelingsensitive]

My mum and her BF have an alcohol problem and have had for years. Mums BF is an alcoholic but my mum has always admitted to drinking too much but doesnt see it as a great problem. I avoid calling her on sunday afternoons as I know she will be drunk but other than that she is OK. Anyway, she and her BF stayed at my brothers house for a week recently and it transpired that mum and her BF drank a litre of vodka a day starting at 12 each day and in front of brothers daughter (age 4). This has confirmed to me that my mums problem with alcohol is far more serious than I previously realised or would perhaps admit. Mums BF is very involved with my DCs but it's on his terms. IE. He (and therefore she) won't come here for christmas because they fele they cant drink - they see christmas as a reason to get wasted . The two problems I have with this are;

1. They are due to come and look after DCs so we can go to a wedding. This will be a day and night. Now that I know how serious my mums drinking problem is I dont trust her not to drink and I know for sure that her BF will drink. I don't want them drinking around my DCs and even if they held off until they were in bed I worry about the consequences of then being drunk whilst in care of the children. What if they woke in the night?
2. Mum wants the DCs to stay at her and BF house. I don't feel comfortable with this for all the reasons above.

I need to find a way to express this. I also want her to know that I am aware of her drinking - we have never talked about it as its somewhat of a taboo. She spoken to y brother whilst she was there and admitted thats why she doesnt want to come to us for christmas. At the moment I feel that alcohol is coming first. I need some advice on hwo to handle this as at the moment I want to scream at her for lying to us, for drinking at my brothers in front of his DD and for me feeling I cant trust her.

Oh love. I don't think that there is any way to edge around this one without anyone getting hurt / angry / upset.

This is a Family Secret that has to Come Out. Of course you can't leave her in charge of your dc, and you need to let her know that. You need to tell her that while she is your mum and you love her, and your dc love their grandma, you will not leave them in her care while she is drinking. She will then reassure you that she does not drink / will not drink this time / will cut down while having gc, and you have to say, no, we will talk about it again after you have seen your gp for help with stopping drinking, and have been alcohol free for 6 months / a year / whatever. I love you mum but you need to stop drinking.

And no, you can't trust her, not for a very long time.

Thank you.Your choice of words are perfect.

I feel really cross about christmas and really sad for my DCs as they have been asking about her coming - DPs side of the family are absent (long story) so to all intents and purposes my mum and her BF are their only GPs. I just think its crap that she would rather drink than spend christmas with her grand children.

It is crap. But sadly it's also the reality of alcoholism. Nothing is more important to an alcoholic than the next drink.

Nemofish has given you excellent advice. It is very important that you stick to your guns about this. It is unsafe for your DCs to spend a night there as you cannot trust them not to drink.

I'm sure you wouldn't employ a babysitter that you couldn't trust 100% to be sober. It's no different for family.

nemofish, brilliant post

< is redundant >

Thanks AF, I am flattered. I grew up with an alcoholic parent and there aren't any easy / simple answers.

My mum is also an alcoholic and having raised my younger brothers and sisters, everything came to a head this year.
I had to blackmail her into going to counselling by threatening to never speak to her again or revealing all to the rest of the family. She's not particularly interested in going and to cut a long story short, i don't allow her to see my daughter at all, and now she never asks. We speak only every few months and every half term my sisters stay with me to get away from her- if I could afford it I'd have them full time.

You can't fix her if she doesn't want it and the nature of alcoholism is that it will bring you down.

get in touch with al anon, they are a support group, like AA but specifically for the families of alcoholics. They should have meetings near you and it does help with the guilt of dealing with an alcoholic parent. Good luck.

What nemofish said ... just perfectly.

Would also agree with suggestion of getting in touch with Al Anon. You need some support from people (like nemofish) who know what you're going through. Whatever decision your mother makes (to stop or to continue drinking) its not going to be easy for you. People at Al Anon can help because its important not to lose sight of you, your feelings and your needs. This will be tough for your mother, but also very tough for you. I wish you well.

Thanks all. Amazing how kind strangers can be. I need to talk to her about all this but not sure how or when. I am going to look up Al anon now.