Has anyone else hesitate like this?

[OhToBeFree]

I have spent the last 4 years or so trying to get enough courage to leave my P. We have been together in total about 10 years. I have a DS and DD, P is father to my DD.

He is somewhat of a negative person. He doesn't like other people. Has shunted his friends, has one left who he rarely sees. Always criticising his family and mine. His temper is explosive, he over-reacts over the smallest of things. He is a 'neat freak' (I am not!). He over-analyses everything. This is part of the problem.

I have tried on countless times to leave him. I am even now in a situation where I have managed to set me and DCs up in a house on our own and he is staying with his parents.

He talks me into not leaving him everytime though. I've begged him to let me be on my own, I've screamed, cried, I've told him to just leave me alone but he can't, he physically can't. It seems I am his only focus in life.

When I ask him these things and beg him to just leave me alone he goes in a cycle of nastiness, aggresiveness, sadness with tears, and pleads/begs with me not to leave him - sad to say that I always always back down and give in.

He rings all the time and gets upset if I don't ring him i.e. before I go to sleep or during my lunch hour.

He turns up at the house unexpected.

When he is over he can't leave me alone, he keeps touching me and grabbing me, I'm just screaming inside my head. I never reciprocate and he notices but it doesn't seem to make a difference.

I'm the type of person who hates confrontation, hates to upset people and i hate the fact that I'll be destroying him and I'm just finding it impossible.

I begged with him a few weeks back to just let us have space, proper space apart, no phonecalls, not seeing each other, other than when he needs to drop of DCs. He couldn't do it, he'd ring and start analysing it all and go over things again and again and I was sick of saying the same things and sick of listening to the same crap but he couldn't help himself. He's a 31 year old and he was sat in his parents house for a week in front of his laptop with nothing else to do other than worry about me!!!! Anyway after 5 days he dropped off DCs, he came in with their bags and started AGAIN and I just said 'OK, OK, just stay for tea tonight and we'll see how it goes but stop going over it PLEASE!!'. Since then he's been all touchy feeling again and acting like we are new lovebirds .

It's driving me mad because I just want to move on with my life, we don't actually do anything together as a couple and no-one considers us as a couple, it just seems that I cannot cut the last thread........

I don't want to stop him seeing DD or even my DS as they have a good relationship. I just want him to move on with his life, get his own place, maybe meet someone else, catch up with lost friends, enjoy life a bit instead of clinging to me for dear life?

Sorry....long! Is there anyone with experience of this or do I really just need to grow a bigger pair?????

"I always always back down and give in."
There is your answer. Stop backing down and stop giving in.

Not sure what to make of "I cannot cut the last thread" - if this is all as bad as you are making out, why can't you be firm and tell him the relationship is over and if he can't accept this then you will be consulting a solicitor for a formal access arrangement and contact the police to stop the unnanounced visits.

Ohtobefree he sounds so needy. That must be utterly draining for you- he sounds almost addicted to the pain of analysing where stuff is/has gone awry. I get that you are a kind person and don't want to hurt him- but you have come as far as getting you and your dc's living separately from him, be strong for the last bit so you are finally single- I admire you for even getting this far.

Good luck.

Yikes I am your xp ! (well abit more to it) sorry no advice just watching with intrest...

I'm the type of person who hates confrontation, hates to upset people and i hate the fact that I'll be destroying him and I'm just finding it impossible.

this is me.. I have come out of a relationship with an emotional abuser and the abuse is still going on, (we have a DS and one on the way.) however, I've spoken to womans aid and am going from there to get legal advice. You really need to construct some boundaries like myself...

When he calls, dont answer. Only communicate regarding access to tHE dc's. I know its hard. Its hard for me too, and I know sometimes its easier to go back to these men, as they make your life more miserable after the split. But you have to do it for your DC'S as your teaching them about boundaries, what a man should act like, what a woman should act like etc. You need to stand in your power and not let him guilt trip you anymore.

It would be a really good idea to call someone like womans aid as you can leave a message and they'll call you back and they'll give you the emotional support you need without pressuring you into doing anything. there number is, 08082000247

Abitbatty - you are completely right, I need to be firm and just tell him the relationship is over, simple isn't. This is what I am struggling with. I know it's simple to others and it frsutrates me that I cannot just be firm. I've said the words 'I just want to be on my own' over and over again but he won't let it go, he will not accept that and knows what to say to get me to back down.

TheRedS - yes he is very needy and for all these years I have been feeding his needs only now realise this has to stop but feel really awful for taking that away from him.

freedonfrom - you are so right about making life more miserable AFTER splitting, I think this is what he is trying to do, make me think life is awful without him so therefore I must take him back.

I know this sounds so silly to some, I know and tell myself this all the time but it's so hard to explain in writing or even in real life what he is like exactly, I think he is manipulative and he really knows what to say to upset me and to change my way of thinking, which he always does.

I'm sure I will get there in the end and I know people do and are going through a lot worse.

Being "needy", though, is not the same thing as having (real) needs. His hanging onto you is like an addiction. It's not really good for him any more than it is for you, or, as you recognise, your DCs. You would give a thirsty man a glass of water, but would you give an alcoholic a bottle of vodka? Would you give a cocaine addict a lift to the dealer's? Er, I hope not. Not only can you not move on, but he can't either, until you really put a stop to it. Have you tried just not answering the phone when you know it's him? Have you practised the words "Just fuck off" when he turns up on the doorstep? You, as a human being, are entitled to have your boundaries respected and actually, his needs are not more important than yours. Of course it's nice to care about other people's feelings, and so you should, but when someone is consistently making you miserable - showing no concern at all for your feelings - you just have to be a bit hard-hearted.

Atilla the Meerkat would at this stage ask you about your childhood. Were you always brought up to put other people first and to believe that your feelings weren't important? Because it sounds as if you have some deep conditioning to nurture this annoying fellow regardless of what it does to your life. You can't seem to make him leave you alone, you have to get him to agree to it. But if you look at this logically, he doesn't have to agree. No-one has the right to keep another person in a relationship they don't want to be in.

Have you considered counselling with respect to your inability to say no and mean no? It might help. Your own self-esteem clearly could do with a lot of boosting.

Thanks for your message Annie. Yes I have thought of counselling and actually did go to see one but she was way too expensive to see again. The waiting list with GP is really long and you need to be really on the edge of suicide for them to consider referring you.

I do in general have difficulty saying no to anyone. As an example, my dad has got into the habit of expecting to be picked up and dropped home every Saturday from the pub, even though I've got loads to do on a Saturday just because I offered the once. He now asks every weekend and I won't say no because I feel awful if he has to catch a bus or train.

It is really pathetic and I can recognise that in myself. I feel so jealous of people that can just say no and that be that.

I know anyone reading this is probably saying for googness sake, what's all the fuss, just bloody say no ......but that's me and as a 30 year old mum of 2, it should not be something I still struggle with!

You need some help with your boundaries - WOmen's Aid will be a good start WRT getting rid of this parasitic man. You have every right to refuse all contact with him and have access arrangments for the DC dealt with through a third party, NO adult has the right to any kind of relationship with another person against that person's wishes.
Also, look into assertiveness training or maybe get some books on it; you need to learn how to accept that you matter, you are a person and it's perfectly OK to tell other people to fuck off and sort their own problems out.
You have obviously been bullied and coerced and emotionally blackmailed into being a submissive saint all your life but you can refuse to do it any more. YOu have had enough strength to move away from this man, now you need to cut him right out of your life. If necessary, get injunctions against him and involve the police - he is stalking you and assaulting you (yes, this IS stalking and assault when he turns up unannounced at your house and gropes you when you are asking him to leave you alone).

I had an x like this the only difference being that I meant 'no' (you aren't doing him any favours by giving him mixed messages...)

In the end it took police involvement leading to court, an injunction and probation to keep him away.

It's worked! ...and I hope you find the same peace but it will only happen if you continue to take control and put your foot down completely.