DS was, I now see, the product of an unhealthy (poss EA), relationship. This realisation has come slowly - DS is now 9. The breakthrough for me was reaching the same age that his father was when I got pregnant and thinking to myself "would I want to have sex with a mentally unstable teenager?" - the answer was no.
There's loads of other stuff; he wouldn't go out in public with me and even made me leave his house through the back door when a friend turned up unnanounced on his doorstep. To this day he says "it wasn't a relationship", when anyone referrs to us as exes. He told me he wanted nothing to do with DS and then once DS was born started imposing conditions on their interaction. I ended up moving five minutes' walk away from him as he had a '20 minute journey' limit on what was worth his while. He lied to me to get me to give him PR.
Just recently he let slip that the school had contacted him (because I was not available), to tell us that DS had reached the top of the school piano lesson waiting list after three years and that he had turned it down because "I will arrange private lessons". His house has a piano in it, mine doesn't - he arranged a weekly work from home day with his employer and now he has an 'extra' access afternoon with DS, who goes to his straight from school, has a piano lesson then is taken to scouts (I could not do this as I have 2 infant DCs and no car). I thought this worked out quite well for DS, but it's my birthday next week and I told DS's father that we were having a big family birthday party and he said DS would be unable to attend as it was 'his' day with him.
There's so many petty incidents which add up to a situation I am uncomfortable with. My whole life is arranged around making life easy for DS's father. I am married now (to a lovely guy who has really helped my self-esteem), and we still live five minutes' away from DS's father. We're in negative equity and DS loves his school but otherwise I'd consider moving.
DS's father has made him cry by forcing the issue about his siblings being 'half' siblings, told him that his relationship with his girlfriend (his first in the eleven years I've known him), ended because of DS (she moved back to her home city and when DS asked - thinking it was a short visit and all confused as as far as he was concerned one day everything was normal and the next she'd just left - why his father didn't go too, he said "because I can't leave you". When DH and I got married, DS (who has his father's surname), asked if he could take ours and his father flat out refused. DS was really upset.
One major issue is coming up in a year or so. When I expressed misgivings about settling in this area (awful state secondaries), DS's father promised he would pay or heavily subsidise independent school fees. When he got together with his girlfriend he rescinded that, saying that 'things change' and that DS could go to fee-paying school if he lived full-time near Manchester with them (we're in London). I said no way and the next proposal was that DS's father would move to the home counties near a good state school and DS would live with them during the week and see us at weekends (and for holidays, since I "don't have a proper job"). I was frantic and said I'd consider it. Their relationship then ended but a few nights ago at bedtime DS asked me if he could still have a bedroom here when he went to live with his father. Who had told DS that he was moving and DS was coming to - like it was fact.
Anyway, moving on - for all these reasons and thousands more, I want to assert myself more with DS's father. But what is in place now is this one afternoon/night a week plus every other weekend arrangement - this is fairly standard, yes? And as it's been the arrangement for a while if I tried to change it he could get that overturned (we have no formal/court mandated access arrangements).
He doesn't like me, listen to me, give the vaguest of shits about me. When we disagree about the best course of action for DS he ignores my opinion completely. This doesn't always mean that his say goes but no progress is ever made in how he views our 'working' relationship.
I hold a lot - a LOT - of bitterness over opportunities I have missed because of DS's father's attitude, and as the realisation that I was being made a mug of is recent it's all hitting me at once which isn't the best idea for keeping things dispassionate and reasoned.
I rang the school today and asked that DS be put back on the waiting list for piano lessons but I am at a bit of a loss as to what to do in real terms. DS loves his father (though he considers my husband his dad - DH and I were mates before we got together so he has been a constant), and the setup isn't a terrible one - the attitudes are.
If anyone made it through all that (sorry!) - any suggestions? Should I try to stop myself caring so much? Have I swung too far the other way and am creating problems? How can I begin to set boundaries when everything is so set in stone?