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Relationships

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Original poster

Who pays the bill these days...

24 replies

ACol · 07/10/2010 12:32

I've been dating someone new for a couple of months and he's offered to take me away for a 'naughty' weekend, he booked this really smart hotel..very expensive..but then called me to say how much it would be..ie he wants to split the hotel bill.

Is this normal? I'm so happy to pay for things, ie dinner/lunchs whilst we're there but I think it takes the romantic side away if he doesn't pay for the hotel.

What does everyone else think, maybe I'm out of touch??

OP posts:

Ragwort · 07/10/2010 12:40

I think there's a real difference between 'offering to take you away for a weekend' and agreeing as a couple to go away somewhere that you choose together. I would be a bit miffed about this but then I have been out of the dating game for over 20 years so may be hopelessly old fashioned . A boyfriend took me away to Australia years ago for three weeks - I don't remember paying for it !

ethelina · 07/10/2010 12:43

If he invited you he should expect to pay. If you decided to go together then I would split it.

flowerybeanbag · 07/10/2010 12:44

Did he say 'I'd like to take you away for the weekend' or 'shall we go away for the weekend?'

thatsnotmyfruitshoot · 07/10/2010 12:48

On the basis of your OP, I'd expect him to pay, with you contributing while you're there, as you thought.

Is it something you can afford to split? I'd be wary as with meals and drinks at an expensive hotel once you're there, it could turn into an expensive weekend. If it's more than you would want to spend, you need to get it clarified now.

TheRedSalamander · 07/10/2010 14:26

I agree with Ragwort. depends on whether he is taking you away or you are going away together. Not sure you'd work out which though!

shimmerysilverglitter · 07/10/2010 14:37

Um call me old fashioned but I would be put right off a man who did this, I don't mind at all contributing my share, I really don't but it seems to me it is just good manners and the right thing to do for him to pay for the hotel especially as he is "taking" you away.

So I don't think you are out of touch.

spikeycow · 07/10/2010 14:38

I'd pay half for everything. But I'm a bit of a cynical old boot so feel free to ignore

Rachyandmeg · 07/10/2010 14:50

Hi,

It strikes me sorry to say but Tight guy. I know a guy who is like this. He did this with a woman he was dating and they are not together now as she eventually decided to split up with him. He wanted her to pay half for everything and like some of you said the romance goes out of this, especially if you have only just started dating.

If he said he is taking you away then I think he should not have got you all excited and booked that hotel then asked you to pay. This type of man will only get worse. I would not bother with him. Dont watse your time.

Rachx

MooMooFarm · 07/10/2010 15:35

ACol - sorry but I agree with most of the other posters - he's not 'taking you away' if he then expects you to pay half, you're taking yourself!

You're not out of touch BTW

BitOfFun · 07/10/2010 15:38

If he has invited you, he should pay. You can always offer petrol money etc. if you are so inclined. But if he suggests that the two of you should go away and you both choose where, I would expect to both chip in.

SurreyAmazon · 07/10/2010 15:42

OP, I don't think you are out of touch at all. IMHO, it depends on the individual; to wit, I have dated men who insisted (to the point of feeling offended if I refused) on picking up the tab (whether I suggested the dinner/outing etc or he did).

Some preferred to split everything in half (these tend to be cautious men who don't want to be used by women but not always the case. Some men genuinely think that in this day and age, everything should be split equally).

Others played it coy and waited to see if I would offer to pay and when I did, did the whole 'No, I insist on paying' routine. (I remember this man saying how a lady who stayed over said 'give me £30 for a cab. With this place, you can certainly afford it'. He walked her to the station. He wouldn't have minded paying for a cab but was put off by the way she asked.

Personally, I always pay or split it or take turns paying.

My suggestion; since it might spoil the weekend if you say that you'd rather he paid, from now on maybe you could make it clear where you stand on picking up the tab.

Enjoy the dirty weekend though! I am so jealous!!

stubbornhubby · 08/10/2010 17:02

he should make to pay
you should offer to pay half
he should refuse your offer and say 'I will pay'
you should smile and say thank you

..and then it's your turn to invite him to something.

It's the 21st century, he can't be expected to finance your whole relationship.

PlanetEarth · 08/10/2010 17:13

I would be annoyed if someone offered to take me away and chose somewhere expensive, then wanted me to pay half. I've have been married for centuries , so maybe it's hard for me to put myself in this position now, but although I would normally expect to pay my way, I would also then expect a say in where we were going and what it would cost.

And I like stubbornhubby's answer.

Anniegetyourgun · 08/10/2010 17:20

A sensitive guy might have been expected to ask what your budget was before booking something very expensive, don't you think? Then you'd both know where you stood. Not go off and book something which you might not have been able to afford and just announce it to you.

He'd have to be a feckin' good lay after this.

phipps · 08/10/2010 17:22

If he invited you then he should pay. Can you afford to pay half? Is he the one? This just seems wrong. [might be out of touch emoticon]

ItsGraceAgain · 08/10/2010 18:22

No, HE chose the hotel BEFORE running the price by you - it's HIS responsibility. And over-entitled of him, if I may say so. Shocking manners. I'd dump him ... after the weekend, if you've already paid!

LadyLapsang · 08/10/2010 18:30

What normally happens when you go on dates?

If he has been paying for you for months then I think you should step into the 21st century & pay your share.

However, if you are paying, you then get a equal say in the choosing...

If he is making the grand gesture and taking you away they I think you should be picking up the bill for some of the meals / trips /travel if he is paying for a swanky hotel.

emsyj · 08/10/2010 22:46

If I were you I wouldn't go. If he was really keen and wanted to impress you then he would not dream of asking you to pay.

This may be old-fashioned but it is also true. Sorry. All this 'it's the 21st century and you should pay your way' stuff is fine for friends, but not boyfriends IMO. Now that DH and I are married we share everything and there is no 'I'm paying/you're paying' as we pool every penny. But when we were dating, he paid 90% of the time and I said 'thank you'.

NB Ready to be flamed - flame away!

Rachyandmeg · 09/10/2010 02:26

I dont think a guy should be their to finance your furture either but what I do think is that if somebody said they would take you away then they should pay for the hotel. If when you get to the hotel for the weekend then you should offer some drinks or maybe buy him lunch things like that, which shows your thoughtful and care. I would do this when I was dating my husband, I would offer to buy him things too but most of the time he said its okay i want to pay.
The gesture I believe should be their.

On the other hand if you have been dating this guy a while and he pays for everything and you have never offered him even a coffee then that would be mean. I know some women who have been like this and I think that is selfish. You should always offer something if they pay for you all the time.

If you have only just met this guy and he wants you to pay and also offered to take you away too then he should pay otherwise hes getting a lovely night of passion and your not being romanced. I would feel used.

Rachx

TechLovingDad · 09/10/2010 02:30

If I offered to take someone away, I'd be expecting to pay for it. Simple.

BitOfFun · 09/10/2010 02:36

It is simple, yes. He should be paying if he invited you. You can then offer to contribute, but if you are effectively being invoiced for half, you are well within reason to back out and tell him to bog off. He is somewhat lacking in social skills, if you ask me.

Rachyandmeg · 09/10/2010 02:49

Bit of fun - It might not be the social skills it might be that hes a tight wad! I suppose that is having a lack of social skills!

Where are all the gentlemen out there?. They are few and far between these days.

Rachx

Original poster

ACol · 11/10/2010 10:53

Thanks so much for all your messages, I'm glad you feel the same way.

I will almost always contribute and often buy dinner etc. He's not loaded so I don't expect him to pay for everything but I do think that its the gesture that counts, with regards to this weekend.

Update - I bought it up with him, told him I thought he was treating me. He said he couldn't afford the type of hotel by himself. I said I didn't expect him too so now we're going somewhere more affordable and he's paying. Of course, now I just want to pay my way and stay at the luxury place...but obviously can't do that now!

I think he is quite careful with money but maybe it is being a bit cautious too.

Lets see how the weekend goes. He's really lovely, kind and attentive so don't really want to get fixated on money.

OP posts:

eToTheiPi · 11/10/2010 11:17

I think, as others have said before, if you were always going to split it then you should have both been booking the hotel. Have you tried laterooms.com? You can find some real bargains, perhaps with dinner, bed and breakfast included so you only need to think about drinks whilst you're there, you can both budget then with no nasty surprises?

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