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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

need advice for a friend, how can he leave new DP?

25 replies

rationalist · 07/10/2010 00:18

Hi all, this may be quite long, but want to try and get all info in the one post.

One of my best friends has been seeing a girl he met on a dating website, they've been together about a month or so. Both 26. Before they met she told him she was a bit wary of meeting someone, as the last person she met took her on a few dates, slept with her, and then didn't bother with her anymore. She said he just used her for a shag. (Don't know whether this is relevant to the rest of it but thought I'd say just in case.) He reassured her that he was not like this (which he isn't) and they ended up meeting and getting together.

Anyway, tonight he has told me that he's not really sure about her now, he finds some things a bit odd. I asked what it was, and he said sometimes she is fine, chatty, laughing etc, and then is totally uncommunicative. She just ignores him. He said he will speak to her or ask questions, and she does not respond at all. As far as he can tell, nothing changed and she just went quiet. totally unresponsive. Now this strikes me as a bit odd tbh. After the fact she wouldn't say why she started ignoring him, but she blamed it on her period. He says this silence thing has happened three or four times. Now I don't think that many relationships start off this way, at the beginning you want to give a good impression, just seems like if she's being like this so early on, what's she going to be like in a few months?

He also said he is feeling a bit uncomfortable about her hinting on moving in together. Bear in mind they have only been together a very short while, I know some people practically live together from the get go, I've done it too, but it's usually staying over the night, and then the next night, and then the next, but it's not usually hinted at so early on, IYKWIM.

Anyway, he said he was talking to her on msn tonight, said to her that she just needs to tell him if she's on her period or feeling weird or whatever, it's cool, just let him know. Then she said she hates her periods. He said there wasn't that much she could really do about it, she said she could kill herself. He said 'why on earth would you do that?' she said she was worth nothing.

Now, I think he needs to get out of this relationship. He thinks so too. But I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship, on and off for two years. I don't know if my judgement is clouded, but to me it seems that this is sinister. Completely blanking him when he's speaking to her, as far as he's aware nothing was done or said to have brought that on. Hinting at moving in, like asking him if he could manage to pay the bills if she moved in, as she doesn't work and couldn't contribute. This was said out of the blue, they weren't talking about anything like that, and he hasn't said anything to her that could be taken as him wanting her to move in. And then the last thing, talking about suicide. Is this as bad as it looks to me? And what can he do?

OP posts:
yesyouknowme · 07/10/2010 00:31

If your friend wants to break up (as opposed to just you wanting him to) he needs to grow a backbone and do it sooner rather than later.

He owes this person nothing

I know of two decent men who went on to marry women like this because they were too kind / weedy to break it up.

Have you left your own emotionally abusive relationship?

soverign21 · 07/10/2010 00:48

i'd also say what YYKM said if he wants to break it off then he should do so now

It all sounds rather odd to me and i think she sounds very depressed and needs some help especially talking suicide

rationalist · 07/10/2010 00:53

I think the same, needs to be done as soon as possible cos it's not gonna get any easier the longer he leaves it. But with the talk of killing herself, I think it's going to be difficult because he'll be scared that if he leaves, then there's another reason in her mind to do it. What would be the easiest way for her to tell her he can't continue with the relationship?
And yes, I kicked my ex out yesterday, and right now I feel that it's over for good, but I know I've felt like that before and he's still been allowed back.

OP posts:
rationalist · 07/10/2010 00:55

She is depressed, he said she's on antidepressants.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 07/10/2010 00:57

He doesn't owe her anything. All he needs to say is 'Sorry but I don't think we're really suited to one another' and block her. No one is obliged to become a longterm carer to someone they have only had a few dates with. She is an adult and if she has problems, it's up to her to fix them.

rationalist · 07/10/2010 01:00

hmm, see this is why I posted about the guy she dated before, in my mind it's as though she said that so that he wouldn't want to do the same, wouldn't want to be like that nasty bloke and just leave her. Does that make sense? or am I reading too much into it?

OP posts:
yesyouknowme · 07/10/2010 01:01

no you are not reading too much into it.
Hope your friend does not fall for her needy crap

SolidGoldBrass · 07/10/2010 01:03

WHatever her last boyfriend did, it's not your mate's problem. If he isn;t happy, he should just politely dump her.

soverign21 · 07/10/2010 01:10

Maybe he should tell her that she needs to focus on herself for now and to give the dating scene a miss till she feels better in herself and suggest she goes back to her doctors and asks for counselling

rationalist · 07/10/2010 01:14

I like that idea soverign, problem is though saying that gives her the opportunity to say she would prefer to do it with him around to support her etc. Then he's kind of back to square one. Best thing to do I think is what SGB suggested, but I don't think he would.

OP posts:
rationalist · 07/10/2010 01:17

He doesn't have an account on mumsnet, but I told him that I wanted to post on here about it to get some opinions, he agreed to it and I've sent him the link and he's reading the responses on here.

OP posts:
soverign21 · 07/10/2010 01:20

If she does say that then politely say no this is something she needs to do alone and that she needs to find her own inner happiness before having a relationship with anyone and that he doesnt feel he'd be able to support her through this and to turn to family and friends that know her better

rationalist · 07/10/2010 01:30

Yeah, that sounds possible. I hope he can do it. I think he might be a little back and forth about it. Think he's hoping it's just to do with her being on a period and that something can be sorted out about that. Don't know what though.

OP posts:
Davethenonbabymaker · 07/10/2010 01:37

Hi there. I am the said gentleman mentioned in this post. My previous liason before this one was a long and arduous one with a depressed and suicidal female. I would worry constantly about her. My current lady I'm afraid may be the same. I shall have to let her go or the frustration and concern will drive me insane. This cant happen again. I wont let it. I would love someone who can communicate and is on the same page when it come to hanging out and the physical stuff but finding a rational lass with humour to boot is getting harder. I will let you all know what happens. Bah!

ItsGraceAgain · 07/10/2010 01:53

Hi, both :) I'm sorry your new relationship looks like becoming a reprisal of the last one! I agree: she sounds sad, needy and disturbed. Which is a pity, but you have NO obligation to deal with her issues. A partner is supposed to add positives to your life, not problems. Dump her. Politely but firmly. Better luck next time.

TechLovingDad · 07/10/2010 02:21

It sounds like there's a good reason her last boyfriend legged it. The same reason your friend should also.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 07/10/2010 02:29

Dave, you've been told how to dump her and run, politely; please do. I saw a dear friend suffer horribly in similar circumstances. :(

rationalist · 07/10/2010 02:45

I thought that tbh TechLovingDad, don't know, he could have just used her, but if she's being like this so early in the relationship, she was probably the same with the last one, and he thought 'fuck this shit' and left.

OP posts:
rationalist · 07/10/2010 02:47

Old, did your friend's partner show any warning signs early on?

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 07/10/2010 02:51

Oh God, yes, thorough-bred nutter from start to finish, which we women could see right away, and told him so. But she guilt-tripped him every time, and he was too nice to stand up to her.

It was all deeply unpleasant in the end. :(

rationalist · 07/10/2010 03:03

Well I'm glad Dave can see how bad this is, I wasn't entirely sure if I was seeing things that weren't there.

My ex tells me he's not abusive, but I know he is, but they can make you doubt yourself, he says I think everything is abusive, that I think too much etc, and it makes me wonder if I do over think things, like with the girlfriend saying about her ex, and me thinking that it may have been manipulative towards dave, it's like I can't trust my own thoughts. But I'm glad for me that I can feel a little more like I can rely on my own instincts, and I'm glad that Dave has the chance to get out of this early on, rather than ending up with another partner like his ex.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 07/10/2010 10:08

Look, some people are just fucking whiny-arsed, tiresome Klingons who no-one should feel any guilt about running a mile from. Sure, if you have a longstanding friend, or a relative, or someone you've been dating for years, who develops MH problems, it would be a bit unkind to abandon them to it. But when you have just started dating someone, you are under no obligation to become a dumping ground for all their crap or allow them to guilt you into being their 'saviour'. Remember, couplehood can't 'fix' an individual, we can only fix ourselves.
I;ve known a lot of male mugs (Sorry 'Dave') who are forever getting mixed up with women like this - Betty Blue syndrome: the idea that there's something desirable about a messed up drama queen (though for some reason the overweight, spotty, badly dressed women with depression and self-harming issues or whatever don't seem to get the same level of misty-eyed male 'I just want to make her better, poor thing, she needs me' devotion.
ANd finally, just because it;s a woman behaving like this, doesn;t mean it;s not abusive behaviour TBH. Some women do use their neediness and 'sensitivity' as a weapon, as do some psychologically abusive men: you feel constantly worried, guilty and desperate to put things right because you never know what's going to trigger the next bout of plate-throwing, weeping, sulking or suicide threats.

Bast · 07/10/2010 10:45

Not to dispute what everyone else has said but look up PMDD.

MH issues can happen to anyone at any time. What your friend does is up to him, it sounds as though he has made his decision and that is absolutely fair enough, but...

Entering a new relationship can be the catalyst that brings anxiety issues to the surface for many people. We read about those insecurities here all the time.

In many relationships it takes people time to feel comfortable and secure within a new relationship, this is maybe not ideal but is most certainly reality for many.

I don't see the need to name-call or brand this woman as a headcase.

celticfairy101 · 07/10/2010 10:57

Excellent post SGB.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 07/10/2010 13:59

Bast, no-one has named-called this individual; I referred to a totally different woman as a "thorough-bred nutter". Your PMDD suggestion may be right on the mark, but the OP says the couple have been seeing each other "about a month or so" and that episodes of "this silence thing [have] happened three or four times." Confused

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