Emotional abuse-how far would you take legal action?

[freedomfrom]

So after finally getting the courage to ring womans aid the lady gave me some great advice. Including that I may want to go to social services etc.
I just wanted to ask, for those who have been through emotional / psychological abuse, how far would you take it?
A bit about my situation, I've posted a bit already on here before under same name.
I split up with XP end of August, (split up and got back together once before). We have a 15month old son and I am pregnant with a second. We have never lived together. He comes here for contact at the moment but I am looking into contact centres. He has a son (8yo) by another woman who lives with him 3ish days a week.
Firstly he smokes weed every day, in his flat. Hence I dont want our son going there at all for contact. When his other son is there he will go out on the balcony to smoke, but if he is outside or asleep I know he will smoke it in his bedroom.
The emotional abuse to me has always been very subtle. Not all out threats of harm but things like this latest text, 'You put DS1 to sleep becuase I came with his brother (his son); as usual you prefer me not to bring him. If there is such a thing as karma you'll experience this one day'
I didnt put DS1 to bed, he fell asleep at his nap time, they were meant to be coming at 11am he turned up at 12.23pm. I have no problem with his son coming to see DS1 either, but in XP head I am abusive to him. (not at all)
XP really believes these things which does concern me about his mental state with the weed smoking aswell. Before this last incident he has been on the phone with me saying he was going to record me as he didnt know what I was going to say to his son,. I told him no way and that I wasnt comfortable with him coming now,. He came over anyway, even after i had phoned them to say DS1 had fallen asleep already. He text me later that day to say he had never mentioned recording me, (gaslighting).
Also, he has told his 8yo in front of me that I am crazy, (and meaning it) also told him his mum is lying, (about ridiculous things that could and probably were genuine). He is in court with his 8yo's mum as he is saying her parents sexually abused their son years ago. (I dont believe this now knowing what he is like. He really has no eveidence). Plus a lot of text to me are about how I am emotionally abusive etc and I want to make sure I have proof etc that it is not me but him. He's really manipulative.
Anyway, incidents like this happen about every 2 weeks at the moment. The rest of the time he is fine. Its basically when I stand up for myself he feels out of control and then comes the abuse. (I never stood up for myself much in the relationship, just put up with it really)
Sorry its so long, but what I'm asking is, how far would you take it? I recognise that I do feel sorry for him. If I contacted social services about the weed being a concern then it may affect his relationship with his other son too. Also he would find out about it and I would be scared what he would do / say.
Also, as he's not bad all the time, I just feel, am I going a bit far by going to my doctors about the abuse so its on record. Or also, I want to speak to legal advice so I can get a record of all the text / incidents etc. But do I go as far as to take out a non-molestation order. Do I go as far as to say only supervised contact? Do I report to SS? I know this is probably a common thing, but its not like he is really violent etc. Plus he can be nice, and if I go all the way, (if I even can legally etc) am I ruining his life for nothing?
Sorry if I've waffled!

bump

I'm sorry, I don't know. The fact that you're this concerned over it does suggest he's been successful in causing you to feel ongoing fear - and to doubt yourself. I think you're right to insist on a contact centre (can you use a coffee shop for now?) Telling SS about the weed would probably speed up your arrangements, though I'm guessing.

Emotional abuse is not in itself a crime. Intimidation, verbal abuse (name-calling, etc), harassment and invasion of privacy are. I suggest you tell him in writing that you want contact with him only as and when you've agreed, that all arrangements must be made by email and you want no communication on any topics outside of childcare. When he breaks your rules, you can report him for harassment.

Plenty of other Mnetters have experience that will be more directly helpful to you. Another good source of advice will be your local police DV advisor. If someone's making you feel like this, you need to start building strong barriers! Good luck.

Thanks Grace,
Yes I'm planning on speaking to a DV advisor at the police... again, just need to get up my guts for that one!

I've kept all texts etc and incidents but just havent 'reported' them yet.....

I think I've got to stop avoiding conflict at such huge costs, stop being scared of him being angry with me and stop caring more about how he feels etc than about myself and my child...... which is probably what got me into that situation in the 1st place!

It's a hard habit to break, isn't it, FF? Worth it, though, for the liberation of getting your own life back It is all about boundaries: I still have to write mine down sometimes! So glad you're going to speak to the DV advisor. Good luck.

whoa - major warning bells here!
My ex was so very much like this. I'm still trying to figure out whether he was mad or bad. Like your xp, mine had a rather warped version of reality, prone to misreading/misintrpreting things. Paranoid really. He was a weed smoker too.
His off-the-wall behaviour (and what amounted to emotional abuse) was periodic until this:
A year before I washed my hands of him he had an incident. A breakdown. Supposedly. I'm not so sure it was, it may have been a set-up. During this event he confessed that he spent all his time daydreaming worstcase scenarios, and then finding himself acting upon them. He confessed negative thoughts about me and that he was loosing control.
He sounded like a very paranoid, frightened man. He considered voluntary section. Over the following year it was all very wierd. I had banned him from weed but he evidently was still smoking it - doing a 30mile round trip for a KFC he suddenly developed a taste for, a KFC which just happened to be near his dealers house, plus the sudden penchant for staying up after I'd gone to bed and burning joss sticks. Rather obvious.
To cut a long story short, he got worse and worse. I became scared of him. I kicked him out.
Let me tell you that the police take ANY form of abuse - that includes emotional abuse - very seriously. I know - I've spoken to police/DV team.
My ex ended up acting in a very stupid manner and being arrested which resulted in receiving an Harassment Warning from the police. If he harasses me again (by that I mean turning up univited and putting me & dcs in fear of him) then he will be arrested and charged. He will risk going to prision. This HAS stopped him (so far).
He ofcourse is mildly baffled as to why I don't want to see him again. He just doesn't "get" what he has put me and dcs through. It's not his reality you see.

So, my advice is: Stop feeling sorry for him. Forget any fears you have that you're "going to ruin his life". Seek support for yourself (police/DV) and be a strong mother.

Thanks Grace,

Thanks FBC, so glad I saw your post!

Sounds very similar and the fact they have their own interpretation of reality....

Definately gives me the push to go to the DV officer in ther police.. to be honest its really stressing me out all his warping and twisting.

Now I'm being difficult and obstructive to him seeing DS1 becuase he cancelled the morning arrangement on Thurs and told me to rearrange my day and text him so he could come when I got back, regardless of how late. Just scary really, I've told him I dont want him in the house anymore. But its sooooo stressful thinking am I going to be believed over him if it ever goes to court....
Anyway, thx for your post.... good to hear of someone else with a abusive weed smoker and the similarities.
Does your X get to see the DC'S?

"Now I'm being difficult and obstructive"
Snap! (also other accusations such as emotional blackmail, child abduction, passive-aggresive behaviour etc)
Re contact: For example XP wanted to come visit one week so we casually started discussing which day. He had a free week. Any day in the week he said. OK, I can do any day but Thurs I said (had planned to take dcs out). So he decided he was coming Thurs. No other day was negotiable, despite his free week. It HAD to be the day I said he couldn't come, purely because I had "said" and he therefore felt "controlled". If I asked to know the time he was arriving & leaving he would not tell me. Again, that request was considered by him as "controling". You'd think I was used to this by now but it still upset me every time. It was so hard to be extra-especially ultra-careful so as not to accidently annoy or insult him - a "misplaced" word, the "wrong" tone of voice, all led to me having to explain myself in order to smooth it over, calm him down, reasure him. It was exhausting. The only thing that worked was to be over-the-top nice and agree with him 24/7. Basically it was the ultimate ego massage for him and gave him Control.
Was this attitude of his weed-induced paranoia? It doesn't effect everyone like this but I think that if a person is susceptible to neurosis or MH problems of any kind then long-term smoking can promote or exaggerate paranoid behaviour. So I do think the weed habit is culpable in this respect. At the very least it doesn't help keep a person with these difficulties grounded and thinking straight.

Xp has spent all year threatening to get his (non-existant) solicitor onto me, that he's going to take me to court, and that he'll get me "banged up". He seriously thought he could do the latter which shows how out of touch with reality he really is.
Eventualy, after his arrest, I had a solicitor send him a letter asking for his contact proposals so he HAD to negotiate and make reasonable arrangements. My solicitor said I must ask for supervised contact because of his behaviour. XP rang my solicitor and came out with the heart-sinking line of "well I'll see them when they're grown-up then". He stated he totally refused to go to court - not that he had to, he just had to come to an arrangement. The solicitor told me that XP only seemed concerned about the fact that I did not want any more contact with him. So he now does not see dcs. It's his decision. Maybe he wants it that way deep down inside. It was never about the dcs. It was about controling me. And he couldn't because I wouldn't let him anymore.
If your XP is anything like mine, which he sounds like he is, believe me when I say it's a lot of bluff and empty threats. Stand up for yourself and your dc.

Good luck to you, I'll be thinking of you. Keep posting if you want to chat some more and do keep updating on here as I for one would like to know how it goes (plus it helps me too).

Must add:
When I stopped allowing XP to come INTO my (new) house, that's when the sh!t hit the fan. I wanted him to pick/drop-off dcs up at the door. This was for 2 reasons: I couldn't have the stress/disputes in my home infront of dcs, and because my oldest dc asked me not to let daddy in because it was our safe house
Dcs had stopped staying overnight with him after the last visit when they both refused to ever go back there (conflicting explanations given - namely not feeling comfortable). Remarkably, XP accepted this.
Massive warning bells.
Still, at that time I was trying, as you said OP, "not to ruin XPs life". So conditioned was I to only be thinking of him.

What does it take to open our eyes?

(appologies for long posts - but it's very cathartic to be telling this)

FBC Yes all about control. I've wondered about that, if I have no contact would he be so bothered about seeing DS, and the next one when he/she comes.

TBH I'm not sure as he has an 8yo old he looks after half the week, but then he is still in contact with his mum and making her life hard so maybe thats why.... plus I think he has a different relationship with that one.

Last night he said he wants to spend 2 hours with DS instead on 1 becuase he cries when he leaves. I said fine if you want to spend 2 hours, as long as contact is built up graduallly. and its nothing to worry about, he cries when anyone leaves at the moment, its a phycological development - seperation anxiety. to which his reply was, I'm his dad and have a legal responsibility for his physical and mental health. have to do what I think is best. I think its best I see him for 2 hours with a slow increase from there and we'll move forward from that.

Hmm, wasnt that what I just said? and as 4 the concerns for his mental health?!?

FBC did you use a solicitor that had experience with domestic abuse? Its interesting that she said about supervised access, as this is what I'm wondering on. was it becuase of the threats to get you 'bangged up' or other things too? I'm wondering as my X isnt that direct. His threats are all subtle. apart from the one to record me which he denied by text later.

also with DS being so young, it worries me as he cant talk about what is happening or know that it isnt normal. I see the way his 8yo thinks its ok for his Dad to call me crazy. and XP would have explained that to him in a way saying how wrong it was that i said what I did and that I should appologise etc etc. He comes from the opinion that he is more enlightened than everyone else, therefore 'teaches' people how to be, including me.

Really need to try and get myself a good solicitor, am trying to call rights of women but its so hard to get through!

p.s fbc can I ask what your expereince with the police was like. I'm going to pluck up the courage to go in the next couple of days. But was their opinion also down to the attempt at section? or the harrassment thing? Or do you think the text etc I'm getting would be enough to warrant thier involvement?

I just dont think my XP would do anything too crazy as he has a son he looks after already and wouldnt want to lose that control iyswim...

Plus I dont know if me reporting him for weed would have an affect on that relationship.

The legal blah blah your XP is throwing at you is his hook, his way of imtimidating you, one method of control.
My XP used to bang on about his rights as a father, his legal obligations, how I couldn't make any decisions concerning the dcs without informing him first... Somehow he forgot I'm an intelligent woman.
Remember this: it's the children who have rights. Not mums & dads. It's the children.
My solicitor is a man and not specialist in domestic abuse. He (and the police, and the DV team, and friends) asked me how could I trust XP with dcs if I was afraid of him myself. Like you, I thought XP wouldn't do anything too crazy regarding them. BUT: What would it take to happen before I WAS afraid for my children? The risk!!! You can't take risks with children. You have to be 100% sure that they will be safe and looked after. This is what you have to get onto your head - it's not about HIM, it's about dc/s.
Supervised access (whether at a mutual frinds/family house or contact centre) was suggested as being in the children's best interests. Besides, it was infered that I would not be taken seriously if I said I didn't trust this man's state of mind but then let him take off with my children. What message does that give?

I went to talk to the police because I was afraid of what would happen when XP turned up at my new house following (subtle/veiled)threats and intimidation by phone. XP was ofcourse always careful not to text/email anything that would present himself other than as a reasonable man (playing the legal game). The police talked to me for an hour - it was them that called what I had experienced "emotional abuse" and "harassment". They were very supportive. I wanted to know that if something happened and I had to call them that they would be round quickly and most of all take me seriously. I left with the feeling that I had a lifeline there.
I did tell them about XPs history and why I was afraid of him.
If your major concern is the weed then you must be truthful. You have to be completely honest. It IS a relevant cause for concern! Don't worry about the consequence - it's his consequence to take, not yours, it's not your fault, it's not your problem, it's his. It's your dc you're protecting, not your XP. You're a mother. Do right by your child.

Look at you - you're ringing helplines about domestic abuse, you have the urge to seek help from the police. It's because those warning bells are clanging.
You're like I was - almost apologetic for having concerns, trying not to make waves, trying to be caring for all involved, believing-but-not-believing that your worries and your gutfeelings are real and valid.
There will be a catalyst, an event which pushes you to DO something. Make it as painless and safe as possible by grabbing those lifelines first.

Thanks fbc

Definately trying not to make waves, in fact want to avoid it at all costs, just want some peace! but I know the only way to have that permenantely is going this route.

Going to try RoW again tomorrow and hopefully will get through if not will call WA and get them to recommend a solicitor. Will keep you updated!
Thanks for your advice. Its a real help listening to someone who has been through it!

Hi, I've just come across this thread and I can totally relate to everything going on here, espcially the guilt about reporting your partner to the police or others and the consequences that will follow. I have finally done it after years of abuse and my only regret is not doing it sooner. I pressed charges against my husband just over three weeks ago and he was taken away, held in cells for 48 hours and had special bail conditions imposed on him which means he cannot contact me or enter the matrimonial home until his trial. At the same time I consulted a DV solicitor and while he was in custody I served a writ on him asking for a divorce, and a back up exclusion order and antiharrasment order on the advice of my solicitor. So essentially I have a criminal process going on as well as a civil one now.

I can't pretend it was easy, it was the hardest thing I have ever done but I was failing my children by continuing to have this man in our lives. He would abuse and assault me in front of the children (3 and 1) and I always excused his behaviour cos it would be my fault, or he was stressed or had a bad day then I started thinking that maybe he had mental health problems and needed help. If I reported him I thought that he would get a criminal record and maybe lose his job. None of these are good reasons to protect him as he didn't care about these consequences.

You and your children have the right to be happy and safe at all times, and the one place that should always be is in your own home.

Report the abuse to everyone. Speak to your doctor about how you are feeling. Confide in your health visitor. call womens aid. Call the police domestic abuse unit. When I needed to get the exclusion order my solicitor was able to access the records of all these agencies to help build my case against him. it took just under a year from the first call but I'm getting there now and can look forward to a future free from abuse for me and my children.

We are communicating through solicitors just now to sort out access and I'm looking at contact centres in the first instance.

I don't get financial help for my legal bills and have run up around 3K already but it's a small price to pay for hapiness.

I hope this helps.

Thanks mummyd72

Every little bit of info, or story I hear is helping to be honest.

How did you get over the guilt factor in reporting your X? For me there is still that, is it as bad as I think, and am I taking it too far by reporting. Plus thinking the doctor / police etc will think I'm a drama queen!
My X is never physical BTW, just emotional abuse etc. And he never shouts either. If he did I think it would be easier!

It is understandable to feel guilt, if you are being abused you are being conditioned to feel guilty and it will take a long time and in my case a lot of support and professional help before I get over it.

I feel guilt for depriving my children of their father but then I have to remind myself that it's not me that's guilty....he is the guilty one and he has deprived them of a father because of his behaviour.

Your feelings are valid, no-one has the right to judge them. If you go to a doctor and they don't support you go to another one. That happened to me.

I hid the abuse for a long time because of the shame, like it was my fault, like I had failed.

All abused women need to change their mindset, we are not guilty, no matter what we do it does not give anyone, especially the person who is meant to love us most, a reason to abuse.

The penny dropped for me a few months ago when I went to a relationship counsellor and she carried out an assessment on me. It turned out that I fell into five of the seven categories of abuse. All categories of abuse are unacceptable, it doesn't matter if they are not hitting or shouting at you.

I put a stop to it and finally pressed charges as I have two young children, a boy and a girl and I didn't want my son to grow up thinking it was OK to hit women or my daughter to think it was OK to back down to abusive men.

My responsibilities are not to my husband they are to me and my children, and he has caused the family breakdown, not me.

At the end, the police were great, I could just phone and report incidents, I didn't have to press charges, but it has helped in the long run as it has given me the evidence that I need to get the court orders to get him out of our lives.

It took me the best part of a year to get to this stage but you are talking about it on here which is good, but please think about getting it recorded formally with the police, health visitor or doctor or even womens aid.