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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

leaving an abusive relationship

14 replies

chelly53 · 06/10/2010 16:40

Hi
Ive just been reading lots of threads on leaving an abusive relationship, ive been in this situation for nearly 10 years and am desperate to get out and rebuild a life for myself, but it is so hard to get out, basically i think im scared of my partner and fearfull of what he might to if i do leave.
ive been on the freedom programme, been to womens aid and relate and although they have all helped me understand alot of things it doesn't help you to actually leave, friends dont seem to understand how hard it is and just keep saying get out,
Does anyone have any help or advice?

OP posts:
ElephantsAndMiasmas · 06/10/2010 16:54

I don't have any advice, but just wanted to answer your post. When you say you're afraid of what he might do, do you mean to you, to himself?

There are loads of amazing women on here who have built new lives for themselves, and I'm sure you'll get plenty of support.:)

buttonmoon78 · 06/10/2010 16:57

Of course they don't understand - they've never been through what you are going through. There are plenty of people on here who have and I daresay they'll be along with the evening traffic soon.

Are you physically frightened of your P? Do you have DC? Do you work - are you financially ok? Are your family aware of what's going on?

The more information you can give me now, the better someone equipped will be able to answer you later.

buttonmoon78 · 06/10/2010 17:01

I need to make the kids' tea now but keep posting and there'll be plenty of help soon. I'll check back later.

lazarusb · 06/10/2010 17:07

I was in your shoes once. I seriously believed that I would only get away from him in a coffin. My friends and family think I was just being dramatic. It is hard in your friends positions to understand the fear you live with on a daily basis. They probably don't understand why it wouldn't just be an average separation. My advice is to try and find somewhere as safe as possible and leave while he is elsewhere. Don't tell him if you don't have to. Put a bit of money aside if you can.

I left with my ds, a bin bag of clothes and about £30. I ended up with my grandparents. It was difficult and frightening. It certainly wasn't the end of the fear he held over me but it was the best thing I have ever done. I had forgotten how life can be happy and relaxed. Normal. Good luck. If you can leave, do.

The hard part is what you are living with now.

Original poster
chelly53 · 06/10/2010 21:29

Thanks everyone, we dont have any children(not through choice) but i have always been far too sensible to have them with him with the way he is.
im working part time and do have a bit of savings.
my family are not aware of everything, ive never told them that he has hit me because im too scared and dont want them to worry, obviously i am physically frightened of him because of the fact that he can be nasty and violent by throwing things etc.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/10/2010 21:33

chelly, you must break the spell of secrecy by confiding in your family

surely they will be horrified...and help you to leave

this is one (among many other reasons why, of course) that women stay in destructive relationships too long

they have covered up and colluded with their abuser

you have to stop doing that....make sure everyone knows what kind of person he is

but make sure you are safe from him first

ItsGraceAgain · 06/10/2010 22:22

Your friends, chelly, who say 'just leave him' ... could you stay with some of them for a while? The more options you can line up, the better.

buttonmoon78 · 07/10/2010 06:24

Chelly - how are you feeling today?

Have you had a think about some of the things that were written last night?

Do you feel you need help to leave NOW or are you able to plan it?

VictoriasLittleKnownSecret · 07/10/2010 06:44

Small steps Chelly.
Identify what is a problem to you and tackle each problem separately rather than looking at the whole thing

Original poster
chelly53 · 07/10/2010 14:25

its very much like ground hog day to be honest,

i spend hours looking on net for help and advice, i'd like to leave as soon as possible

OP posts:
lazarusb · 07/10/2010 14:26

Please speak to your family. They might be shocked but they love you and will hopefully support you. You deserve so much more.

AnyFucker · 07/10/2010 17:48

look love, spend some time talking to your family, not strangers on the t'internet

you need to make some tangible, positive, RL actions, or you will still be here in 10 yrs time

but unhappier

buttonmoon78 · 07/10/2010 22:40

I agree with AF (not an unusual state of affairs).

Speak to your family or a close friend and make some plans. Inertia is part of the deal but don't let it stop you having the life you deserve.

What's stopping you really? As far as I can gather you have no children, you're financially viable. You have so much going for you. Now cut out this deadwood and be happy.

BertieBotts · 07/10/2010 22:53

Have you got somewhere to go? Could you stay with your parents or a sister or a friend, for a while until you get yourself sorted?

If you are in danger (and if he has hit you in the past, then yes you are in danger) and have nowhere to go, you can go into a refuge. Women's Aid would be able to advise you on this.

If you are worried that he might come to find you if you leave then please do think about going into a refuge, as it will offer more protection than a friend or family's house as the locations are secret. You don't need to have children. There is a "virtual tour" of a refuge on the Women's Aid site if you want to have a look.

If it's himself you are worried about him harming, you could call the police on the non emergency number (in fact they may have a domestic violence unit you could contact directly) and tell them that you are worried. Instruct all your friends and family that if he rings them saying he's going to kill himself (or whatever) that they should phone the police straight away and not try to deal with him themselves. This sounds scary but it's a worst case scenario - it's very likely that this won't happen at all. People like this tend to be all talk.

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