Any way forward from family feuds?

[MooMooFarm]

Would be interested to hear if anyone has been involved in a big family feud, but has managed to get back on reasonable terms with the estranged family.

Without going into details,it started when a difference of opinion with DP's parents turned into a row. Other family members joined in and it all got very nasty. Now we've hardly spoken to any of DP's family for a few years.

DP seems quite happy with the situation, he says they used to drive him nuts anyway and he loves the lack of hassle from them all now. But I'm sure that deep down he must be hurt by it all, and for my part I feel guilty that my birth family are such a big part of our lives and his aren't.

It is not my place to interfere anyway, as I am only an in-law, and its my DP's decision, or should I try to repair relationships here? I worry that in years to come he could regret losing contact with them all, although he says he never will.

FYI - we are both still really angry about things that were said and done, and they have never apologised or even acknowledged they may have done anything wrong. Obviously we feel very strongly that we are the injured party, but I'm sure every side of a family feud says that!

His parents are very set in their ways and bigotted really, so I don't even see how it is possible to sort it out - I just wonder if I am letting DP and our children down by not even trying. BTW, DH would probably say the opposite, ie that we are letting our children down by having anything to do with them all!

I do agree with him when I think about the nasty things that have been said, so why do I feel guilty and why do I feel worried that one day DH may regret all this? I don't understand why a few years on, it all still plays on my mind and I can't just move on.

Sorry for offloading all this......

PS - Sorry about typos and from swapping from DP to DH constantly - don't know why I did that, they are one and the same person!

I actually admire the fact that you acknowledge that both sides feel injured and that you yourself feel angry still, that it is both of you that made the decision to cut them off etc..

Personally I think unless you and your dh have some counselling to deal with your years long anger and not letting go, it is pointless to try a reconcilliation attempt, I can't see it working, one or both parties need to look at themselves for it to work!

also the more people involved the less it will work, so if once you and dp got counselling and then if say he and the one he fell out with tried for say six visits alone to work things out and then brought in the rest of you bit by bit it could work. Readjusing to new boundaries is hard for all parties!

Mummiehunnie I think you're probably right that it's almost impossible because of other people taking sides, etc.

I just wish I didn't feel guity about it - I think I'm just very good at feeling guilty in general.

it is possible if you want it enough, maybe you don't want it and that is where the guilt lies, you don't want to admit you don't want half of your children's family in your life, or is there guilt that you were part to blame for the argument or guilt that you keep the anger and resentment going in your oh for so long, or does he blame you for what went on?

No DH doesn't blame me - we really are in agreement about the whole thing, apart from that I feel guilty about it and worry about long term implications, and he doesn't. But then I worry about everything so that's just me...

do you want to talk through your worries of long term implications?

Yes - although I will apologise now if I start to waffle .....

Mainly I worry that my children are missing out on relationships with DH's side of the family.

Before the big fall out Dh & I used to struggle a bit with his parents - they use racist and homophobic language and have strange views about lots of things, without going into detail. So from that point of view, I actually used to worry about how we would manage with the children being around them as they got old enough to pick up on the things they would say. But his parents did used to be kind and loving towards our children, and the children loved seeing them, so I feel guilty that they don't anymore.

BTW - on this point, DH says its all good now, precisely because our children don't have to hear their biggoted opinions.

Another problem with that is, with other family members getting into the argument, there are also aunts, uncles and cousins who our children pretty much never see anymore, and I think that's really sad. One aunt and is disgusted at us for daring to argue with their mum & dad (who have always ruled the whole family with an iron fist). So obviously with us not talking to them, there is no way the children can get together.

The other aunt & uncle who have said they want to keep out of it have pretty much lost contact with us anyway, because most of the family get togethers used to happen at DH's parents. We have tried inviting them round to ours, but there is always an awkward atmosphere now with everyone trying to avoid mentioning the big white elephant, if that makes sense. So we are losing contact with people we never even fell out with.

I also worry that DH may just be putting on a front, because he knows I worry, and that actually he is really hurting from all this. Up to the point when we all fell out he had been a 'model' son, helping them out with things, keeping in touch regularly, despite them getting on his nerves sometimes, and never really putting a foot wrong. So that's another reason why I find it all hard to swallow and I struggle to see how DH can just shrug it off.

I've talked to him about this so many times and his answer is always that he's glad we don't have to put up with them anymore; that we (as in me & the children) are his family and that's all he needs - and that please can I stop going on about it? Maybe I should just accept that and keep my nose out, I don't know.

Finally I just think it's a shame that my children's extended family have shrunk so dramatically - although I am close to all my family, there are not many of us. I have one sister (along with her H & children) and my mum and that's it. My dad died when I was a child so apart from anything else, DH's dad is the only grandad they have.

Sorry this is so long, I knew it would be! I suppose in short, by long term implications I meant that DH or our children lmay look back and wish it had all been different, and it's too late to change things once older relatives have passed away, etc. If you've got this far, thank you!

We had a big fallout with DHs family a couple of years ago. Essentially we didn't have contact with them for 18 months as DH was so hurt by their behaviour and attitude.

We only reestablished the relationship when our DD was born - we had let them know we were expecting and when I went to be induced with her. We phoned to tell them of her arrival - my MIL came to visit alone but FIL decided he could not visit without an apology from DH.

This of course made me very angry, that DDs first day was spent worrying about FIL.

DH and I had a long discussion about how to respond - I thought that this was beyond the beyonds to be so self centred. But DH took the view that someone had to be the adult, and that he could write an apologise for some of the hurtful things he said in the original argument.

I think time had passed and DH realised that he would have to be the adult with his parents, and that he needed to revise downwards his expectations of them. So now we do see them three or four times a year, send emails from time to time and speak on the phone. We are courteous and even enjoy time together. We have accepted that there are certain limits on how far we can get through to them and that we will never have the close relationship with them that we have with my parents for example.

In the period when we were not talking, I felt terrible and really churned up by it all, even though I am clear that it was DHs parents who were at fault. As time passes, you might find that the opportunity comes up for some sort of reconciliation and readjustment of your relationship with your DPs parents.

don't be sorry for the length you must have needed to get it all out, I agree it can be too late to do anything about it as time passes and people pass.

If I was you I would continue with the relatives you are becoming distant from, despite the elephant, maybe make a papier mashe (sp?) one and after a few drinks joke after taking it out, now the elephant is out of the room lets relax and get on with the evening...

As for the others that embroiled themselves in the drama and the inlaws let sleeping dogs lie if you oh is not interested.

As for your oh, you seem to have done all you can to broach the subject, do you think you can give yourself permission to let it go?

God do you know, I feel so much better already for 'talking' about this - I think putting it down in writing has made me see it all a bit more clearly - and I really am wondering what I feel guilty about now.

Maybe my DH is just better at dealing with things than I am and I need to let it go, as you say. I am really going to try.

Thank you so much

My DH is not speaking to his sibling. He is tortured by it all and has suffered so much. But, but, but: he also hasn't lost sight of the brutal realities. They will only have a relationship if it is entirely on sibling's terms and he is prepared to put up with the inevitable mistreatment. He isn't, so reconciliation is not on the cards. He feels so bad, yet not as bad as when he was in contact with the sibling. Maybe that's where your DH is.

The questions I would ask are: since they haven't changed and we haven't changed, is a relationship with them viable? Will it be worth the emotional cost? If we make up with them, how do we manage the continuing anger?

eldritch you could try as bdaisy's oh did and be the better person with a strained relationship or look into why you are still so angry about the fallout and him with his sibling issues, you may find it makes your marriage and own family better x

Moomoo, I am glad you are feeling better already, and it is good you are looking into where the guilt is coming from x

..hey. Ithought initially I might know you op, but I don't think that's actually the case, just a horibly, depressingly simuilar situation...apart from that I'm one of 'your' dh's siblings caught up in a ridiculous petty nonsensical falling out. Thing is, I feel really cross/ guilty etc just as you do, and for very similar reasons, but I don't know what to do...have attempted brokering reconciliation, but to no avail, and the whole thing has mushroomed. Not sure why i'm posting, I can't 'help' a such, but I feel your distress... really i do. Life's too short, however difficult parents can sometimes be. I think we 'youngsters' can be pretty painful too!

Pressing post before i read and bottle out.

Algee, rescuers often loose and it triangulates issues, can't you make up with your sibling aside from you parents as if it was a parent and child argument that you chose to side with parents over, would you not consider contacting your sibling?

MooMooFarm, to be honest, his family sound vile. I can't see why you want to be in touch with them. You seem to have a romantic notion that your children will be better off for knowing their father's side of the family, but that's not really true, is it? If they are racist and homophobic, how is it going to benefit your children if they know them?

Listen to your husband. He is happy with the situation the way it is. You two sound as though you have a lovely relationship and you enjoy being with your side of the family. Why spoil your lives by getting involved with his famiuly? You know they will only make you unhappy. They are probably furious about what's happened and the fact you two haven't been in touch - do you really think they will make things easy for you if you contact them now?

Mummiehunnie I think you have misunderstood my post: the questions I posed are not ones my DH or I have and need answers to, they are questions I've suggested OP might like to pose.

And I have to say that my DH is very much the better person, but you can't be endlessly forgiving in the face of some things. Ultimately you do have to protect yourself from further harm. That may not apply to OP, of course.

Hi again = thanks all for your messages, you've all really helped me clarify things in my mind, actually. I agree it's best to leave things as they are, and also that I probably do have a romantic notion of a big waltons family.

I think part of my problem is that as a child I had alarge extended family and was very happy as such. Now that has gone, obviously with my GP's passing on and also my father, I suppose I have quite a childish 'longing' for a big extended family for my children. I do know, however, that it was never really there with DH's parents because of the way they are.

I know I'm lucky to have the family I have and my children seem happy enough, so I really must just move on and let it go.

BTW algee I really don't think you could be from the 'dark side' - you sound far too nice and reasonable

PS - sorry for typos & duff grammar!