following on from comments on mistress thread is it emotional abuse to cheat on your partner?

[Mummiehunnie]

A good point was made, to cheat you have to life, manipulate and not think much of your partners feelings, be selfish, not think of your children etc...

what do you think?

doooh, lie not life.... not a good start the spelling mistake lol x x x

I would say yes. I cheated on my ex and it was part of a bigger picture of general lack of respect and unkindness to him that was a sign our marriage was in desperate straits. I took a long hard look at the horrible person I was turning into and moved out. XH deserves better.
BUT how did the loving supportive wife of 20 years turn into that abusive person? still working on that question!

I remember a former friend, telling her children later that she split from their dad as they argued, they didn't she cheated, told him he was paranoid etc... her kids never knew, he did eight years later I told him! he then got his life together and felt so much better about himself as a result she made him feel he was at fault etc for falsley accusing her it was horrible to watch...

A family member cheated on his wife and abandoned his family to be with his OW (moved to another country). The new relationship lasted about 4 years. The last year was hell for him (and OW I'm sure), as he began to realise the damage he'd done. It was as if someone turned a light on. He was distraught and decided to try and make amends. It wasn't easy. He went back and although they had divorced he and ex wife became good friends again and remained very civil for the sake of the children, who were by now teenagers.

I think there are a few potential scenarios.

1. Cheating partner lies, makes the cheated upon partner feel 'mad'/'paranoid', withdrawals from family life, is mean /snappy etc. Then yes could be considered a form of emotional abuse. This is also the most common version of affair, I have seen.

1. There are couples who have spoken or unspoken 'agreements'. They work well together, are good parents, loving to each other etc. However, one of them is (periodically/regularly ) sexually unfaithful to the other. Only the couple themselves know the true dynamic - but I have seen a very small number of couples who appear to function well like thsi.

1. Someone married genuinely falls in love with someone else. Despite the grand romantic narratives people having affairs like to tell themselves -I suspect this is the rarest.

I am also sure there are are many other variations of affairs...

not sure about part of point 2 as how can you have an unspoken agreement?

True enough, I have no idea, it was too early in the morning to think through properly.

I have known of couples where the husband (relatively) openly has affairs, but they were always committed partners/parents. I always assumed the wives knew I guess. This was within an expatriate community if that makes a difference, where I was in the child/daughter category so maybe I just saw it from an odd perspective.

I do wonder if the sort of man you talk about is the sort that pickes a nieve wife, and there is a conspiracy of silence and she is left not knowing when people think she does!

I get that some women like Tom Jones wife know about affairs and tollerate it, I don't think that many women give an unspoken agreement as they may just not know and people assume they do! or people don't want to be the one to tell! and if people do know and don't tell and it is common knowledge I do question what sort of people they all are to do that to another human being!

Yes an affair is an extremely abusive act towards the betrayed partner, not just emotional - physical damage can be caused.

Whether this is intended or not is irrelevant. Many abusers are unaware that their behaviour is so.

The ramifications for the betrayed partner are exactly those created by an abusive act - it is an act of abuse.

so bast it beggs the question what sort of person would have an affair with a man that is abusive towards their committed partner, not a healthy one eh!

It's an abuse of the partner's trust.

Mummiehunnie, I guess so.

Although the women, I have in mind were just about as far as away from 'naive wife' type stereotype as you can imagine..

Well, I think people don't like to intrude on what appears to be a functioning set up. I am pretty sure at least one of the wives would have torn several strips off you if you had gone up and 'interferred' in her marriage tbh. She had very strong opinions on the matter - which is what led to me assuming she knew.

I would have loved someone to tell me when my ex was cheating, it would have stopped him lieing to me and me self doubting and loosing self esteem and self worth and being paranoid who knew and who has no respect for me that they did not tell me...

Me too. I have been through scenario 1 with every major relationship in my life (and am pretty much sworn off relationships for life now!)

... although my self doubt and paranoia was internal, I did not care in the slightest who knew and who didnt tell me.

However, I have witnessed affair type experiences - which appear to be very, very different from my own experience. I guess I have been trying work out what those differences are.

there are many types of affairs that is why, someone posted something about spider woman not long ago, that article explained many types of affairs and why they happen, there are about half a dozen types... yes option one for me also with exh

You can only rely on and trust yourself in life x

Yes, that is a lesson I am slowly and hopefully finally begining to learn :-)