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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Cannot communicate with DH - help

8 replies

mitfordsisters · 05/10/2010 21:38

We have been married four years - two DS (2.7 and 4 months). We got married after an intense love affair and it was me that did most of the running. I think I'm living to regret the fact that I picked him and pushed the marriage and kids thing.

I really want to do best for our family and have been saving hard for a house deposit (laughable in this economic climate but there you are) and making all decisions related to kids.

I feel dh acts on his own behalf all the time and that he is a drag on anything I endeavour for the family eg when I talk about putting away more money, he will go and spend £50 on 3 bottles of wine. I also find he never fulfills his promises eg career plans are pie in the sky things that never happen, if he says he'll be back in 30 mins, he'll not turn up for another 2 hours.

It all seems fairly minor and I do fancy him still, but I feel he has no respect for my contribution and that he does not want to be part of my plans despite saying it is what he wants. Or is he just the wrong chap for me? I feel so unhappy about it, and keep losing my rag with him. He just never makes a decision.

Thanks if you got this far.

OP posts:

celticfairy101 · 05/10/2010 21:48

You did most of the running. Am I right in thinking that you have been the one saving for the deposit?

Can I ask if he contributes to the household tasks, childcare?

You loose your rag frequently with him because you feel you're talking to a brick wall.

You could try counselling either by yourself or as a couple, if you can get him to attend.

It seems to me that you are still doing most of the running.

Pixie83 · 05/10/2010 21:53

Obviously you have issues that you need to sort out, but the title of your post is that you can't communicate with him. Why can't you? Have you tried talking to him, and what happens when you do try?

It doesn't sound like any of this is terminal; just that he is quite a different person to you in lots of ways, and you need to find a middle ground somewhere. This only comes through talking about it - so is there a reason you feel you can't do that?

Original poster

mitfordsisters · 05/10/2010 22:15

Hi celtic, I am still doing most of the running. He is very good with the kids and was doing 2 days childcare a week (me also working part time) though this has lapsed a bit since I am on maternity leave again. He contributes more than me to joint account (he earns a fair bit more), but I always end up topping up the joint account, buying children's clothes etc. And paid for the holiday as he has some debts and does not control his spending very well (despite coaching from me).

You're right Pixie, we are different and I have a lot of trouble respecting his point of view. I have trouble communicating because a lot of what I have to say is quite judgmental, and he thinks I'm totally unreasonable. He has a big ego and thinks he is the bees knees. I have a small ego and constantly worry that I am useless. He sees no reason to change whereas I am on a constant drive for self improvement. It is like he speaks a foreign language to the one I speak. It doesn't help that we never go out together for dates and still share bedroom with the children. Sigh

OP posts:

Pixie83 · 05/10/2010 22:24

Well maybe arranging some time away from all the domestic hassle together would be a good start then - have you got someone you can ask to babysit so you can have a night out?

And IMO men never respond particularly well to judgemental comments - they call it 'nagging' and switch off pretty quickly....... So maybe you need to try to rephrase it a bit. Sounds old hat I know, but saying 'I would love it if you would....' rather than 'you never......'

celticfairy101 · 06/10/2010 00:44

You could also make suggestions. Just let them float. He'll then come back to you with same suggestions as if they were his own. Agree and mark it down as a win.

You do need time away - difficult I know but don't be afraid to ship kids off to relatives, grandparents; they won't break.

Or maybe some afternoon delight when the kids are in nursery . Be inventive.

jameelaq · 06/10/2010 02:02

Well as long as you, "fancy him still" after having a child who is now 3 years old, then it can't be all that bad eh?
chin up, maybe something better will come along,if you wait long enough

Unlikelyamazonian · 06/10/2010 02:22

fuck off jamee

TheRedSalamander · 07/10/2010 11:24

Do you let him see that the things you want to discuss are issues that make you upset/sad? Maybe if you let him know that it has an impact on your happiness then he might respond better than believing it's a list of "gripes" (I know it's not but you get what I mean)

I have communication issues with DH too and the not acknowledging he is part of the problem does my nut in as well!

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