Can't seem to have a proper fight with DH despite being totally narked off with him!

[Tokyotwist]

My DH is basically a nice guy, but he can also be quite selfish.

He is currently incapacitated so I have to do everything from dealing with the builders, to shopping, school run, cooking, cleaning and working part time every day myself.

Yesterday, he sat on computer all afternoon. He can't really help with the housework and kids were happy on their own, but I would have appreciated some company while I cooked, cleaned etc.

This morning I spent an hour at the mechanics, was late for a meeting at work and rang him to update him on the problems with the car. I got little to no response from his side of the conversation and eventually when I complained, he said "I'm half asleep".

I was fuming, but did not point out I'd been up since 4.30am as dd's got a cold, nor did I mention how stressed my morning was. I have only just broached the subject and then only in response to him asking if it was okay to go back on the computer. I replied that I was not his Mother to give permission and that he should please be aware that I need adult company some times.

What's wrong with me. I spend the whole morning breathing fire and totally pissed off and upset, but then when I get home I just avoid the issue and try to convince myself it isn't worth an argument.

This isn't a one off, we rarely fight. I just bottle things up and then when I try and explain why I'm so mad and have blown a gasket it looks silly because it's usually over something miniscule and unimportant.

I need help.

Hi Tokyotwist,

What's he incapacitated with? Sitting at a computer for a long period is actually quite 'hard work' for the body. How long has he been like this and how long is it likely to last?

You sound frustrated and upset which is not good for your health, mentally or physically. Why do you bottle things up? Why do you avoid the issues? Your feelings and emotions are worth an argument (or just a discussion!).

Have you read anything about codependency? You sound like me and I'm codependent but now realise this and am working on my feelings/issues/self-esteem and my world and relationships in general have changed for the better as a result.

I have to go out to work but I'll be looking in later to see if you're still on :) I hope you're having a better afternoon!

Does it need or deserve a fight? Do you tell him what you want/need/would like before it becomes an issue?
A lot of misunderstandings (& then fights) happen because one person just has no idea what the other's expectations are. Most people are really bad at reading other people's minds--I've learned that the hard way many times and had major shocks about what other people were thinking!
If you can just tell him these things before they become a problem then you may not need to fight about them, and you may also find it easier to talk about them at that point without getting worked up. Of course that still doesn't mean you'll always get exactly what you want, but if you can have a calm discussion it might be possible to reach a compromise.

He had an accident 3 months ago. Getting about is very difficult and lifting or standing for any length of time is also very hard for him. He is likely to be like this for another couple of months at least.

I am worn out and try not to take that out on him as I feel it must be quite hard being so helpless. He does try but I just wish he'd a bit more considerate of my feelings. This morning was a good example. It felt like I was disturbing him by calling when I just needed a bit of support after a difficult morning.

I've never heard of codependency. I'll look it up. I don't think I have self esteem issues, I just hate confrontation and I am not very good expressing my feelings in an argument.

Was held up at work and then had to do some work for a presentation tomorrow - sorry I didn't make it back on! Will be on tomorrow though :)