DH is a sex addict - anyone got experience of living with one?

[lydiasmum]

I knew my DH had used pornography in the past but recently I discovered that he has been visiting prostitutes regularly as well. Our relationship has not been very good for several years, but I never dreamed he would do this. He has admitted that it is an addiction and he has been getting help in a 12-step programme since I made the discovery. When I questioned him about how long it had been going on he told me it had been the last couple of years. I don't know why but I just didn't believe him. Last night I was grilling him again and he finally admitted that he has done this on and off for the last 15 years - we've been together for 9. I'm devastated, as much from the deceit as the actual addiction. If it wasn't for my DD I would just walk away. Has anyone else got any experience of living with a partner with a sex addiction as I really don't know what to do.

Hi lydiasmum,havent really got any experience of this,so bumpimg it for you.
Hopefully someone else will come along with some advice for you.

Shocked to hear your situation and wish you strength but have no personal experience.

hi there, my ex and father of my children was a sex addict, he delt with it by having affairs and flings. i gave it to him every day (even though i did'nt always want to) just to try and keep him but it was never enough, or the sort of sex he wanted.

So sorry to hear this lydiasmum. I think you need a visit together to see his GP if he wants help.

No experience, but i really do feel for you, and mummyof2girls. Doing something when you don't want to, is not a nice place to be in.

Can understand your devastation. Really hope you sort it out

Thanks for the bump allsorts and everyone for your support. I don't think DH has been acting out his addiction since I made the discovery. I really had no idea and only found out when I went in his jacket pocket to get the debit card to pay for something on Ebay. I found a business card for an escort and literally dozens of phone numbers written on various scraps of paper. His addiction aside, he is a brilliant father and if you were to meet him you would never dream he would be the type of man to sleep with prostitutes. I know that his behaviour really has nothing to do with me - by that I know that there's nothing wrong with me. Since he was doing this even before I met him I know it is his problem. I consider myself an intelligent and perceptive person - I just can't understand how he has managed to pull the wool over my eyes. I would never have got into the relationship at all had I had any inkling of what he is really like.

If you don't mind me asking mummyof2girls, what happened to end your relationship with your ex - was it your or his decision?

well 2 pregnancys one after the other well and truly ended my relationship, i compleatly lost my libido. his cheating became out of control and he became resentful of my pregnancys so i chucked him out.And i have never been happier.

Glad you have found some happiness now mummyof2girls. Like you, I know I couldn't live with DH if he was still in active addiction. Still don't know if I can live with him even now he's in recovery.

all i can say is trust your instincts. you will know if he is up to know good again, but in my experience a lepoard never changes his spots.

no experience of this, but just wondering if u have considered getting urself tested. sorry, not a happy thing to post, but u have to be realistic - - good luck

I think my xp could probably be described as a sex addict hes cheated and continually seems to be going on the speed dating thing on his phone and getting peoples numbers and txin them and lying to me despite telling me he wants us to get back together. I watched a programme on sex addiction a year or so ago and so much of what they said fitted him perfectly. Theres more than this too but i really have to go to bed now! I will come back tomorrow some time if you want to talk more, cat me if you want.
Night

I'm considering getting tests dabihp. Thanks Pesha - I would be interested to hear you experiences.

Have you seen my post in the 'What went wrong in your last relationship' thread - it's on this section (sorry but I can't do links). You've got me wondering now if my exp had the same problem and so you are not alone. You do need to think about the effect it is having / likely to have on yourself and dd though and should get yourself checked at a GU clinic just to make sure everything is okay. My experience of a man like this was many years ago and it took me a long time to get over it. I think that it knocked my confidence and a way similar to that of women who have experienced an abusive relationship. I'm all for holding a marriage together if it is possible but I have to say that splitting up with him was the best thing that ever happened to me and gradually my life has just gone from strength to strength. To be honest I wonder now why I ever put up with him and his behaviour.

I dont think you should put up with it. It will eat away at you over the years, and it isn't your problem. Look at the end of my thread on "how would you feel". I do not really know if the man I am with has a mental sex addiction, or whether anything physical has really gone on? Recognise anything to give me a clue.

If I actually KNEW that he had done anything, whether paying or paid. I would end it. I probably will anyway.

Any update Lydiasmum ?