Best ways to support a cancer family

[duvetcover]

Just found out that a couple, two of my closest friends, have had their 2-year-old diagnosed with ALL. He starts chemo today.

Just wondering if there are any parents around who have experienced child cancer and can give advice for the best way for well-meaning friends to give support.

So sorry to hear this.

I don't know what ALL is (sorry), but my neice was diagnosed with an incurable brain tumour last year and died recently - so I'm not a parent but have spent lots of time around the parents of my neice obviously.

Sadly there's no magic wand you can wave to take any of the pain and stress away. I would suggest that you keep in close contact with them and offer to do specific things to help (ie not say 'if there's anything I can do just let me know....). Maybe ring them and say you have the afternoon or whatever free and could you come over and take the dog for a walk/ do some shopping for them / entertain their other children, ie anything to help free their time up a bit.

I don't know what the prognosis has been in your situation; I really hope it isn't like our was, but anyway, your friends will need as much time as they can get to spend with their sick child, catch up with sleep, etc - so any help with mundane day to day stuff is good.

And probably the most important thing IMO is to keep in contact with them on a regular basis. If you're really busy just a quick phone call every week is better than nothing to say you're thinking of them and how are things going. I think one of the really sad things is how a staggering amount of people are so scared of saying the wrong thing or just not knowing what to say at all, that they just keep out of the way. My relatives were so upset by just how many people did this to them; it's still happening to them now.

Sorry I don't know if that's much help, but the main thing is that you want to help them and they will gain strength from that.

Thinking of you, your friends and of course their 2 year old.

Hiya,
Sorry to hear your news. My first boy had a very rare blood disorder and had a bone marrow transplant when he was 5 months old. He's fine now .... and is 5 and a half.

I found that friends were very supportive at the start ....sending cards is a great way to let them know you are thinking of them and is something personal that they can keep. I still have all the cards that I was sent ... but then i'm a bit sentimental like that!

I agree with Moomoo ... so many people just don't know what to say at all and so say nothing. I can understand where they are coming from because really there is very very little you can do to help. Just to let them know on a regular basis that you are thinking of them is enough. Practical help if they need it, although family tend to rally round at times like this. Just be there for your friend and they'll never forget your kindness.

I hope taht helps a bit .... and I wish you and your friends all the best - so awful that things like this happen to innocent little babies. x

As MMF says, the day to day dull, but important, stuff is what goes out the window. Maybe take round some meals that can be microwaved (I have weeks on end that I don't eat properly when DD is in hospital). Offer to run the vaccuum round for them from time to time. Babysit if they have other chidren or pick them up from school etc. Sit with their little boy in hospital for an hour or so so that they can go and have a coffee together (DH and I have barely seen each other since DD was diagnosed).

If you're ill with a cold or anything, stay well away because obviously his immune system will be very low after chemo.

And yes, just ask them often how he is and how they are coping. Try to be interested in listening to a load of scary medical details if they want to talk about it. And have other more fun and frivolous things to talk about when you judge that they need to get their mind off the constant stream of chemo, meds, appointments, symptoms, questions etc etc etc. It's amazing how many people get the "rabbit in the headlights" look in their eyes at the very mention of a child with cancer. You see them desparately looking for a way to get out of the conversation, looking for the nearest door. It's got to the point for me that I rarely mention it, or I am deliberatly vague if it comes up, and so I rarely get to talk about what we're all going through. Trust me, there's virtually nothing that you can say that will be the "wrong" thing to say, so long as you genuinely care and just say something.

Thanks so much for the comments, especially the ideas for practical help. They do not live very close to me (about 3 hours' drive) but I'll have to think what I can do. I was thinking of setting aside time to send him a new book, puzzle or toy once a fortnight.

One complication is that the Mum is pregnant, expecting next month. It feels so strange that they will be welcoming a new life while fighting for the life of their son. The doctors have told them to expect him to be extremely sick for at least the next 6 months to a year and spend most of that time in hospital. I am not sure how they are going to manage both a newborn and taking care of him.

Oh this must be heartbreaking. You sound like a lovely person, caring for your friends :). Is there any way you could arrange to go to their house for a day to sit with their new baby as soon as they are able to leave him/her? Maybe at a time when their DS isn't in hospital so they can have some special time with him?

I think your present idea is lovely as well.

Thanks tainted but I think it's the parents who deserve the praise. It feels so crazy. The son is best friends with my DD the same age.

Thanks for the idea about babysitting the new arrival. Have to see how they feel in a month. Am hoping so much the little guy pulls through.