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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Swinging Brother in Law

25 replies

sunface · 05/10/2010 10:56

a few months ago, my sister in law called up my partner in a right state. She'd found out her husband had been using swinging websites and had visited other swingers. She went into explicit detail about what he'd done and said that they would be divorcing and she could never trust him again. couple of months later, they are back together (they have a child) acting like nothing has happened and projecting the perfect family image. Meantime, we are supposed to interact with him knowing what we know and have to act 'normal' when we are family get togethers etc. I don't know how you could ever trust anyone again never mind the guy that did this to you and i'm finding it really hard not to blab to everyone about what he's done. In family situations now its just awkward and he acts aloof and barely talks to us - why should we be the ones at fault?!!! we've done nothing wrong and supported my SIL as much as we could when all this happened...... Thing is, how would you go about telling family without my SiL finding out who had leaked the info.. all just such a mess

OP posts:

Bast · 05/10/2010 11:14

Your SIL has made her decision. What are your motives for wanting to draw other people into it?

Kally · 05/10/2010 11:19

Here here Bast

Pixie83 · 05/10/2010 11:26

If your SIL has decided to get back with her H it's completely up to her. Mad as it may seem to you (and I agree that it is, btw!), you have to respect her decision and politely go along with it. It's not for you to tell anybody else what has been happening in their relationship.

Has she not spoken to you & your P about it since she made the original phone call to you? Whilst she doesn't actually 'owe' you an explanation about what happened since, it may be easier for you & P to get past this if you & her had a conversation about where they are now with their relationship.

However, she probably feels very embarrassed that you both know now that she has decided to stay with him; wishes she'd never told you, and may prefer to blank the whole subject. Either way it's her call, and you don't really have much choice but to go along with it, imo.

moocowme · 05/10/2010 11:26

tbh i would just carry on as always, people have different sex lives, if she is happy with it or has decided to live with it it is her descision.

yes you have been privilaged to hear about how different some people can be but you need to respect their descision. if she wants to talk then fine but if not its a personal descision.

loves2walk · 05/10/2010 11:28

Whatever you do don't tell anyone else. Why would you? Allow your SIL some dignity in all this.

If she has decided to try and work it out with her H, that is her decision, she doesn't owe you an explanation of that.

You need to do your best to forget it. If things are aloof between you and your H and SILs H, people will notice and ask what's wrong. So just try to act normally and move on.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 05/10/2010 11:29

I wouldn't tell anyone. Try and forget she ever told you -I know something about a family member of mine along this kind of line that I just block out. Wish I had not been told though.

JiggeryPopery · 05/10/2010 11:34

The harsh truth is this is none of your business - it's their relationship and whilst your poor SIL has been hurt dreadfully and it would be great to see her husband humiliated and distraught in the manner his actions caused the same in your SIL, you just can't interfere. You have to hold your tongue.

He's undoubtedly been an utter shit, you don't have to like him, but it's not your call to tell anyone details of someone else's marriage.

Ultimately, stay on your SIL's side. If at a later date she decides the marriage is over, she's more likely to come to you for support if you've remained neutral about her choice to return to her husband. If you kick off and give him a piece of your mind (and God knows I'd want to, too) she is very likely to side with him, and it will make it all the harder for her to turn to you and your dh if things get tough.

Sorry, but stay out of it.

loves2walk · 05/10/2010 12:17

Good point jiggery about the future.

Your SIL trusted you when she was in that terrible state and that says a lot about how she feels about your H and you. She trusts you both and came to you when she was most in need, at her lowest point.

If you keep quiet, you then demonstrate to her that her trust was warranted and that you will be there for her in the future should she need support. If you tell others, it will almost certainly get back to her that you have and then she'll have that to deal with as well as others knowing.

SolidGoldBrass · 05/10/2010 12:49

Keep right out. It is nothing to do with you. Your SIL and her H might even have decided that they want to explore the world of swinging together. It's still none of your business.
Telling the rest of the family would be officious and spiteful so don;t even think of it.

Original poster

sunface · 05/10/2010 12:50

Thanks all, i think you are all right. Think that the problem is more than nothing has been said to us since it all happened, not a peep and it just makes it so awkward when we're in their company. mind you, we're never just in his and her company, think thats a deliberate move by them. Guess what will be will be and they just have to be left to get on with it... sure it's not sustainable though. Thanks all

OP posts:

2rebecca · 05/10/2010 13:48

You'll probably find out what happened eventually from your SIL, or your partner will, I presume she's his sister.
Agree that you just have to forget about it all for now.

ProfYaffle · 05/10/2010 13:52

Agree with amothersplace - I know a v similar thing about a family member, you do just have to block it out and carry on as normal.

ItsGraceAgain · 05/10/2010 14:49

Lordy! One of my brothers & his wife are swingers I believe but, luckily, I had the sense to back off from the subject when they seemed to be heading towards it. Respect your SIL's choice, including their preference that you all act as if nothing happened :) It's their sex life - as long as nobody gets hurt, it's up to them.

If it does go pear-shaped for them, she'll then know she can trust your confidence.

Malificence · 05/10/2010 16:12

Oh god, .

I think it's very unfair of someone to give you the explicit details of something so private, why should you have to carry the burden of such knowledge?

sayithowitis · 05/10/2010 17:40

I agree Mal. And I think it extremely unfair that it is the BIL who is now acting aloof towards the op and her partner, who supported his wife through the mess he created. I actually think that the SIL should have spoken to you and DP and explained that they were going to try again and she would appreciate it if you would make no mention of what you were told. I also think BIL should make a point of speaking to you to thank you for your discretion and the support of his wife.

SolidGoldBrass · 05/10/2010 18:17

Sayit: Well, they probably should. However, if they don't it doesn't give the OP permission to do or say anything just because they haven't.

AnyFucker · 05/10/2010 18:52

I think they (or just BIL) are acting aloof because they now regret sharing such intimate details of their sex life with you

They may well be petrified you will blab...and it seems like they have good reason, although it does appear you have seen sense since your OP

Just keep your counsel and prove to them that you are worthy of their trust...they may need you again in the future.

TDaDa · 05/10/2010 20:11

Possible that the greater discomfort is on your side?

Original poster

sunface · 06/10/2010 11:17

I agree sayithowitis - its the fact that we've had no thanks, no mention of what happened, rather we were being blamed when we didn't want to go to a family gathering recently as we hadn't seen my BIL since it all happened and we hadn't been told if they were trying again or what the score was. Just all a bit frustrating.. Anyway best left alone i guess and to be honest, i can see it all crumbling, surely you can't sustain a relationship like this with the added pressure of us knowing and no one else knowing??

OP posts:

2rebecca · 06/10/2010 15:03

I would have thought the fewer people know the better, so don't get your point on that one.
It's a shame your partner didn't want to see his sister just because he wasn't sure what the situation was with her husband.
My sister was always on and off with her partner but that never stopped me wanting to see her. Her relationship was her business. I still loved her whatever mental decisions she sometimes made re men.

sincitylover · 06/10/2010 15:25

This is called righteous indignation I believe!

I wouldn't expect thanks if it was my brother he doesn't owe me any explanations but is welcome to confide in me if something is wrong. He did confide something along those lines once but I haven't told anyone.

of course we all want to know outcomes of something but with something as personal as this you have to respect their privacy.

Lots of people project a happy family image especially at family gatherings and the like which are usually quite false situations. But no-one really knows what's going on in a marriage/relationship except the couple themselves.

frgr · 06/10/2010 16:23

Why would you tell other family members? It's one thing to be concerned for the wellbeing of your family member, but quite another to be spreading the word that he's into swinging, entirely not your business, you should keep out. Have your opinons, but butt out - I'm shocked that you'd think it was ok to "spread" this news - so what? Would you have done this if he'd cheated on her just with 1 woman - is it just because "it's not normal, innit"?

TheRedSalamander · 06/10/2010 19:27

I can understand a bit where you're coming from OP- if you're getting criticism from other family members for not attending this or that gathering when the reason is that you feel uncomfortable, I appreciate why you would like to be able to explain your discomfort. Whether or not anyone thinks you should feel discomfort is irrelevant really, as the fact is that you do. Agree with others though that sadly it's one you have to take on the chin- hopefully knowing that you're doing right by your SIL will be a bit of comfort! good luck.

SolidGoldBrass · 06/10/2010 23:51

Actaully, if you set aside the mundane-scaring aspect of the situation (Baaah! Swingers! WIERDOS!) then what you are dealing with is a fairly classic scenario which goes like this.
Couple have big row.
One partner confides in friend/relative how horrid the other partner has been.
Friend/Relative says 'Oh you poor dear, s/he is a terrible person who we never liked anyway'
Couple make up after row.
Couple are then awkward with friend/relative who has heard the gory details of the row.

Now the kind, wise friend will keep his/her trap shut. To do otherwise would be the act of a self-righteous meddler - it is NOT ABOUT YOU.

Original poster

sunface · 07/10/2010 15:55

yup i know you are all right, i'm going to just stay out of it and act as normally as i can do.thanks for all the comments

OP posts:

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