Should I visit/make contact with toxic grandmother-in-law?

[TimeTravellersWife]

This is my first time posting a thread, please bear with me as I hope I get the tone of this right, even if it is long!

My DH's grandmother is dying at the moment. She has been toxic throughout most of her life to her children, and her grandchildren, and as a result my DH doesn't bother with her at all, unless forced to visit in some way by his parents. This has been maybe once a year. She fell out very nastily with DH's DF about 3 years ago, very unfairly, and with a great deal of hurt caused to both DH's parents. She didn't speak to either after, and only to DH's DF when he started visiting of his own accord some time later, with no mention by either of what had happened. She took nothing more to do with DH's DM.

On the birth of our DD we refused their gift (I know! - but seemed hypocritical), and didn't want her visiting DH's DGM as she didn't want to know/care about DD's parents or DGM - we eventually relented and let DH's DF take her to visit occasionally, as this mattered to him to show her off.

On diagnosis with this terminal illness, apparently she is a changed woman, and everybody has rallied round her other than myself and DH (who was made to visit once, and said it was ok). I now don't know what to do around visiting her? She has no interest in me, although loves DD. She has made no apologies for how she has behaved. Am I being too principled?? I've always had a problem with forgiving if there is no apology - a bit like, if you don't meet my standards then I won't waste my time on the relationship either.

Please know I have had 2 grandparents and a father die, so I am not insensitive to how others will feel about such a relative dying - but my relationship with them was completely different, and their deaths all had a massive impact on my life.

Really want good sound advice on this - and please not a flaming

So, she's not your blood relative, you've had little to no contact with her for years, and she's got no interest in seeing you? Maybe I'm being harsh, but I can't see why you'd go see her. If she's only interested in seeing your DD, your DH or his dad can take DD.

The only problem I can forsee is how this will appear to the other relatives, but you can say 'I thought I'd leave her time to people who she really wants to see'.

Just my opinion anyway. Fully prepared to be flamed as well.

I wouldn't go.
If people want to be nasty, they will. They could just as easily say you're only there in case there's an inheritance.
If your dh wants to go, that's his prerogative, but I wouldn't, in your shoes.
(I actually have a very unpleasant grandmother and I don't visit her. She has a lot of health problems and I'm sorry about that, but she showed no interest in us as children and I'm not bringing her great-grandchildren round so she can inspect them and take pride.)

Thanks YanknCock - I will definitely be able to use that phrase as it is how I feel - I just haven't felt able to say anything so far. I don't feel my place is there.

I suppose then that leads me to worry that attending the funeral (which I would definitely do, if not for my DH but out of respect for this DF) will seem even more insensitive on my part. If that is my long-term intention would that change your view?

As to what the relatives would say, I have an up-and-down relationship with my in-laws, but am trying to be the better person when it comes to them to make all of our lives easier. I don't know what they're saying about me at the minute, but I imagine it isn't fond words...

Gretl, that has always been my feelings exactly - and there is talk of wills at the moment, as she is sorting hers out and starting to distribute some money. I don't want any part of it - I would rather it all went towards the DH's grandfather's care after she died.

I think his family all think I'm a bit cold though.

You can always just allude to some nastiness that happened and refuse to talk about her.
They won't be surprised.
We all have different limits.

im a great believer in 'you reap what you sow' - both dh and myself had very toxic, unpleasant grandfathers, my dm and dhs df are very screwed up by their upbringings, some of the things that have been said and done to them beggar belief - both these men died very wealthy people and spent their last years trying to dictate their families lives with the threat of cutting them out of their wills, they tried to buy affection from their grandchildren, were absolute horrors to their childrens spouses and were altogether nasty - in both cases we all said, 'fine, get on with it', they both died very lonely and bitter and i for one feel no guilt what so ever!
so, i guess im saying dont worry, she has spent her life behaving how she wanted, now its just all too late, so tough!, she is reaping what she sowed!

my old nan had a very good saying 'you can bend over once too often to pick up shit'! , its bloody true if you think about it!

[shocked] at jesuswhatnext - your poor family, I don't think to be fair to her she ever reached that stage of nastiness but I do believe you reap what you sow. I just hope it isn't me who will be reaping in this case... At least she's being nice to those around her, which will be of some comfort to her children (who need some breadcrumbs after all the years of putting their needs/wants/lives second) now. I don't begrudge them that one bit!

Do you think it will be poor form to attend the funeral if I haven't visited?

I think it would be fine to attend the funeral anyway - you still want to "mark" her death, as a sign of respect for a relative dying. I've been to funerals of people I havent seen for years, its just something that you do.

Thanks for your help with this. Feel that my decision not to visit has been the right one, and will attend the funeral in the spirit that AMumInScotland suggests