Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Tears at 3am

22 replies

helicopterview · 05/10/2010 04:03

Thought I was doing well. H left a few weeks ago, after my discovery of his affairs. Thought I was through the tears, and onto anger. But tonight feel like I'm right back in the pain of initial discovery. Awake at 3, crying.

Had a bad day today. Things didn't go well at work, I'm not feeling that I'm delivering my best anyway, and am pretty vulnerable to criticism, which I got. Only recently gone back to work, and feel financially insecure.

H about to move into permanent address, instead of a mate's house. Going to take half the furniture, which I haven't yet replaced so flat will be empty for a while. Plus he's going to have the kids for a full weekend every other week, which I can't bear the idea of.

I just don't want any of this. It's so s**t.

OP posts:

Aminata100 · 05/10/2010 04:25

Oh you poor thing, you are in the raw part of it right now, so go easy on yourself.

Maybe a tip, rearrange your flat with the furniture you (will) still have and make it your own place.

Wishing you all the best!

ttalloo · 05/10/2010 05:34

Poor, poor you.

This is all too new and horrible, and if you've only just gone back to work, too, which is hard enough when your H hasn't just left you, then no wonder you're struggling there on top of trying to cope with such upheaval at home. Do you feel able to tell your boss what you are going through, so that s/he can cut you some slack while you are coming to terms with things at home?

Which furniture is he taking? Do you have any choice over what he takes? He can't leave you with insufficient furniture for your and the DC's needs, so if you won't have enough chairs, or sofas or tables then don't let him take it. He left, he's in the wrong, so if he wants to sit or sleep on something then he can go and buy it himself.

Not to mention the fact that your DC are going through enough as it is, without their home being denuded of stuff by their dad to furnish his new place. It will make home seem odd and uncomfortable to them, and that won't help them or you adjust to the situation.

Do you feel able to stand up to him and say no, you can't take the furniture?

Also, one of my friends found the weekends without her DC very hard, when her H left and started having them, so she made sure that she always had friends to see and places to go so that she wasn't stuck at home crying. Is that possible for you? Can you go and visit family, or arrange to see some girlfriends? If you know that you have something planned, you will at least feel more in control of the situation, and less panicked at the prospect of not having the DCs.

I hope you got some sleep after your post, and feel a bit better this morning. Big hugs to you.

romneymarsh · 05/10/2010 05:56

Heli, I am a few months on and still haven't reached the anger stage, I too have had so many tears I think it is impossible to cry anymore. I wish these men knew the pain and hurt they cause by their selfishness of an affair. I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on my own worst enemy (would wish it on ow tho!).

Today's a new day, hopefully we will both have a stronger day today.

Original poster

helicopterview · 05/10/2010 07:56

Thanks. 3am's a bad time to be worrying about things. Must find positive things to do while kids with their dad. Would be so much easier if whole thing my choice ifswim.

Funnily, just being able to post and get things off my chest helped me get back to sleep.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 05/10/2010 08:15

Hope you are feeling slightly better in the light of day, HV x

GypsyMoth · 05/10/2010 08:28

I was awake crying then too......and earlier. Only discovered dp deceit on Sunday. I'm not a cryer. But can't get a grip on myself

Was walking round sainsburys with tears streaming down my face yesterday.

Sympathies to you op, it's really crap

AnyFucker · 05/10/2010 08:33

So sorry to hear this TopTulip

I have noticed your contribution to a couple of threads.

Do you feel ready to start your own ? You will get lots of support.

Welshexpat · 05/10/2010 09:54

When your exDH comes round to collect the furniture tell him to f**k off. He has no right to deprive you and the children of any part of your lives after his behaviour, He left, its going to be nasty anyway so make him go to court to get anything.

Get angry, its the fastest way to recover. You will be successful, but let your boss know what is going on. Good luck.

bundlebelly · 05/10/2010 09:58

Anger is the backbone of healing.
You are going though a horrible painful time, and will feel crap for a while. Just keep going each day for your kids, and know that nothing stays the same and you won't always feel like this. Come on here for company and self expression. Hugs.

katerum · 05/10/2010 10:04

ditto welsh

let him get his own furniture sorted!

he would take your things!

proudnglad · 05/10/2010 17:01

Just read this. How awful for you. It's horrible feeling so alone and in despair in the middle of the night.

It's true that you are in the most daunting, raw phase at the moment. It WILL get better, little by little.

One day at a time

ItsGraceAgain · 05/10/2010 17:16

A friendly shoulder squeeze from me, too. I agree with everyone else about the furniture and your boss. You're building a lovely new life: you need all the support you can get, not a furniture-thief! Make use of your friends, and your thread. Good luck :)

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 05/10/2010 17:28

HV I think you've tried so hard to be strong throughout this crisis, it's not in the least surprising that you were going to have a wobble at some point.

Are you being kind to yourself enough here? Are you building in any treats for just the ability to get through another day at work? I'm sorry you were criticised yesterday - that must have felt so unfair given everything you're enduring. I hope that the people you have told at work are cutting you some slack at the moment, too.

I do think writing things down helps and wonder whether you have considered a journal?

MrsJellicle · 05/10/2010 19:29

Sorry to hear that you were crying in the night. 3am is a bad time and everything feels particularly unbearable in the dead of night. I hope you were feeling a bit brighter this morning.

I think you have ben incredibly strong and it's not at all surprising that you have a dip from time to time.

I agree that if you possibly can you need to find little ways to be kind to yourself (or big ways if you can!). But little ways are a good start.

I think it is a shame about the furniture, given the disruption and dislocation you have already faced. Is there no way he can get his own? I was at our local furniture charity shop this morning and there were some really lovely things there.

I understand about the work thing. Work can sometimes be a civilized respite from what feels like chaos and upset at home. But when you are feeling so raw anyway, it is then difficult to take any kind of criticism.

After I had had my own 'relationship shock' I had a disappointing annual appraisal, which I would otherwise have shrugged off or challenged. But it just seemed like the last straw at the time and I found myself crying my heart out in the loo.

But a few months on, and I have put that behind me and I am really very pleased to have work as a separate focus, which (although it has its frustrations of course) is my own.

I do hope that it will come to be like that for you too.

Good luck and do be kind to yourself. Thinking of you.

Original poster

helicopterview · 06/10/2010 10:30

Thanks everyone. Thanks WWIFN, nice to hear from you again, and in fact my therapist has asked me to keep a journal of feelings to pinpoint trouble spots, and so I must get on with that.

Work, the general feedback I get is good, it's just that previously, as wife of a good earner, I had the luxury of having a safety net behind me. Even if I didn't walk out when things were bad at work, I knew I could if I had to. Just think it's a psychological shift feeling more responsible for myself financially.

The criticism came from a client, rather than someone in my office. In my office all very supportive and key people know. But funnily enough yesterday chatting to one of the owners of my company who said he couldn't bear this particular client, and after a dressing down from her once, had refused to ever have meetings with her again. So I thought good, it's not just me, and also I should have the confidence to say enough's enough too. I can't bear those women who think they have to more of a boy than the boys to be a big player and the boss. So unnecessary and unpleasant.

OP posts:

Rachyandmeg · 09/10/2010 04:13

Hi Helicopter,

I wish you well. I hope you feel better than you did the other night.

R x

Original poster

helicopterview · 09/10/2010 08:23

Yes thanks. DS's birthday today, so am throwing myself into jelly making, cake decorating and the like. Quite cathartic! It takes their minds off everything too, which is helpful all round.

OP posts:

Rachyandmeg · 09/10/2010 15:01

Hi Helicopter,

Keeping busy could be the answer. I hope you are having a lovely day and your sons enjoy it too.

Rach x

TDaDa · 09/10/2010 23:43

Hope that the party went well HV. You have handled your split so well that you should allow yourself to lapse sometimes. Very best wishes.

TDaDa · 09/10/2010 23:45

Bad choice of words....feeling sad is not a "lapse"...just an expression of regret...as you said you haven't done anything wrong but the break up is affecting your life hugely. I feel sure that you will look back at it and be proud of how you dealt with it. Your children will too.

TDaDa · 25/10/2010 21:58

How is it going Helicopter?

atswimtwolengths · 25/10/2010 22:09

Just wondering whether you could work during the weekend that you don't have the children and have time off during the week, so that you can take them to school/pick them up etc?

It's such a hard time; I've been through it myself.

Probably too late now, but don't let him have the furniture!

Flip