Dealing with dds after split

[sykes]

Would really appreciate any advice on the best way to cope with the fallout on dds after split with partner. Dds are nearly four and 20 months. Past info on my h has left me/Sykes - don't want to bore everyone again. While both girls fawn v embarassingly over ment (youngest dd more selective, adores my best friend's boyfriend, eldest dd less selective). The h continues to see dds a lot - at least four/five times a week and I have banned any contact with his girlfriend - he lives with her and has done since he left 2/3 months ago. He wants to integrate the girls into his life - ie make it easier and share happy family days out and apart from my rampant hatred of the siutation I feel it would be just too confusing and have said he has to be with her for at least a year before I even consider it. Eldest dd cries a lot, says she misses daddy, asks when he's coming home and is alternately angry with him/over enthusiastic when she sees him. She has also become very introspective (used to be incredibly gregarious), very angry and can be quite naughty. Also says things aren't her fault. I'm seeing a therapist re this but would appreciate any advice. My plans are to: encourage lots of visits from daddy, be as civil as possible to him when I see him (v hard), tell her it's not her fault, attempt to arrange one-on-one with both dds to make them feel special. We visit friends a lot/friends visit us - not sure if have over done it but had to so I could cope. No family locally to speak of, mother in hospital with Alzheimers. Have asked h to let dds see his parents as much as possible. Have notified school and my nanny is fantastic. Sorry re long post but any insight/advice v appreciated. Also trying to keep routines as much as possible, but I do work full time and only see dds for about an hour after work during the week (well, depends on when they go to sleep) as they're usually still asleep in morning. Do phone in the morning to talk to eldest dd and if she's sad in the evenings we send a message to daddy via e-mail. I write the message ... if you know what I mean. Have talked about going to a family therapist together but find it v hard to be in the same room with him.

They make my blood boil!!!!!!

My son is also talking to any man he can get his hands on, but he tells them Daddys moved out and doesn't love mummy. Very embarassing! Hes also started biting his brother, and being very weepy. Hes asked if i can buy a new Daddy who wants to live with us. I have no idea what you do, all i keep saying to mine is that Daddy loves them very much and will see them soon. I say they will go on a big adventure together and it will be sooooo much fun.
I think your totally right to not let them see this women, stick to it. Your X is totally iresponsible to even consider this. Consistency so i keep getting told is the key!
Im sure your D will come round its early days though isn't it. Does she start school in Sept, my DS is, i hope hes alright by then. Yet another thing wonderfull Daddy will be missing out on!!!

Oh, Sykes, you sound so sad, I wish I could give you a big hug. It sounds to me as if you are grieving so hard yourself over this relationship that you are struggling to cope with everything else. It isn't your fault, you can't help how you feel. It sounds as if you are doing all the right things for your dds, this is a crisis for them and you can't change that, but the support you are giving will ensure that they heal. Most children go through tough times of one kind or another, it doesn't mean they are scarred for life. It's whether they receive care and attention or not that will make the difference to how they react to it.

I know how sad you feel, looking at such little girls and wondering why they have to go through this. But they will be fine. Keep reassuring them that both parents are going to be around for them.

My dds were 4 and 1 when my ex dumped me quite unceremoniously. I lived in his house, worked for him and had lent him many thousands of pounds which I had borrowed on credit cards. So I and my girls lost everything. We were not married and so I had no claim on his house. My only form of recourse would have been a court battle for which I had no heart at the time. So I brought up my girls alone, worked hard and paid all the money back myself. Yes, it did scar my girls, because I was depressed and doing two jobs and I don't think I gave them everything they needed emotionally. You don't have to make the mistakes I did. You can make sure you get enough financially for one thing, it is a pressure you don't need at the moment. (You do not mention this so probably you have it sorted already).

My ex was a bully and I was afraid to stand up to him. But ten years later I was forced into a court battle anyway, which I won. I think if I could do it all again I would grit my teeth and have all the battles at the beginning so that I could then settle my girls down to better stability than I in fact did.

I was lucky to meet my DH five years later and now have a great marriage and a wonderful father for the girls. But the eldest is still suffering emotionally and now she is a teenager it is much harder to talk to her.

You are being very gracious in swallowing your own feelings to let your dds have their relationship with their dad. Well done. Don't let your hurt feelings build up, have a good rant on mumsnet. Accept all the help people want to give you. Take great care of yourself so that you can keep it together for your girls. And continue the wonderful work you are doing to patch this up for them. This may the hardest time of your life - we women are strong people. It is incredible what we can do when we are determined to give our children the best.

Are you anywhere near me in West Herts? I'd be glad to meet and help in any way I could, cos I really identify with what's happening to you.

Thanks v much Janstar and FireFly - sorry it's so tough for you and thanks for e-mail - have replied. Hanstar, we lived in Hertford for about seven years, eldest dd born there, and, ironically were due to move back in July. I do intend to move there with the girls as most of my friends are there/N London. We moved to Surrey to further his career, mmm. Do visit Hertford quite often - w/ends and when we move back would love to meet up. Thanks for advice and sorry re your eldest dd - no contact with birth father at all?

No contact with DD1, four letters a year for DD2, all decided in court last week. It's on other threads, Rejected by my MIL and How can I help my suicidal teen?, sorry don't know how to do links.

Where in Surrey are you? My family lives there & I go over quite a bit.

Will your dh move to be near you all? How do the older girl feel about the move. I think you are doing marvellously so far, though if your ex applies for formal contact via the courts you won't have any say about whether they meet his girlfriend - the usual contact is alternate weekends and half the holidays, which may seem not enough to your girls, especially if they no longer see him popping in because you are living further apart. My dh's ex left him for another man when their dd was two (she stayed with dh for another two years), and he never prevented her visiting her mother & her new boyfriend (now husband). I think it was very generous of him. She later shafted him well and truly in court, but that's another story. My stepdaughter is now nearly 12, and she still gets upset that she doesn't see enough of her dad, but is generally a happy, settled, extremely sociable child who is very loving to me, to her stepfather and to her siblings on both sides. Sadly her witch mother hates us so that's a problem. She never passes on phone messages, slags dh off in front of her daughter etc so if you can manage a civil relationship further down the line, then that would be great, but believe me, I know that doesn't come easy. All in all I think you are doing brilliantly. It is sad for children when parents split, of course it is, but with love they do come through the other side. Were you able to talk to her together about why you had to split (obviously big lies!) and that you both still love them?? I've heard it can really help, though I think you'd be a saint to manage it.

Oh, dear, Janstar. I'm in Godstone. Doubt he'll move to be near us Aloha as we moved because of his job. However, we were supposed to be moving as a family back to Hertford and he knows I still intend to - he could have managed his job from London if he'd moved so it's rather up to him. My solicitor advised me that the professional advice would be that it is unwise to introduce more upset/confusion into dds lives re the other woman when it's only been a matter of months that they've been together. Surely, as eldest dd is so confused seeing her father in bed with another woman/understanding she's the reason he left wouldn't help anyone? According to my solicitor the last thing dds need is a series of aunties passing through and until I'm convinced (and have vetted her) that it's a stable relationship and she has some idea of how to deal with small children it's just not going to happen. Also, and selfishly, it would kill me to think of them enjoying family days out. H says it would make it logistically easier for everyone. Himself, actually.

Sorry I don't know where Godstone is. My family lives in Shepperton. At least lets make sure we meet if you come back to live in Herts.

I agree about not allowing your DDs to meet ex's new girlfriend, especially if he is going to allow them to see the pair of them in bed! I remember my ex having a woman I knew in his bed when I arrived to drop my girls. I was furious but I am sure he thought it was because I was jealous. He probably arranged it all to show off. Of course, with the benefit of hindsight I thought of lots of clever put-downs I could have used. At the time you are too amazed to say anything but, 'Do your really think this is a good idea?' Either way it was a rubbish way for him to prepare for his daughters to visit. What are these people thinking of? Still this is the same man who thinks it is fine to leave pics of himself naked in porno mags lying around the house for my daughters to see. Apparently he thinks we are all doing it it is just that he is the only one brave enough to admit it and have it all out in the open.

It sounds like your girls need a good role model man - do you perhaps have a friend or a friend's DH who would give them some extra attention? My dad was excellent when my girls were little giving a good male influence in their lives. I was worried that if they only had their father's example they would grow up thinking that was how a man should be and end up with one like that themselves. Luckily I now have my DH and if they can find one like him they will be very fortunate.

Thanks. The remark about being in bed was only meant in that if the dds did stay over and elder dd wanted daddy in the middle of the night - that's where he'd be. Despite everything he was a great father and still wants to be. I just have the slight problems that if he is that great he'd have tried for longer and harder. I do have some close male friends, her godfather in particular, and my best friend's boy friend and will endeavour to nurture the relationships - they adore my dds so not too hard and one/both are visiting this w/end. Godstone is near Redhill/Reigate. It's a pretty village but horribly close to M25. The porno thing is disgusting. Have a good w/end.

I live right on top of the M25 also - probably diametrically opposite you.

Glad your ex is a good dad - that's one thing you don't have to worry about then.

Have a good weekend yourself, try to forget your worries for a couple of days and have some fun and relaxation if you can. Lots of love.

Thanks, Janstar. I think you're v close to my friends in Hertford. Friends are due tomorrow early evening so hope it will be okay and fun for the girls.